SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 5:36am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Mercy Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 12 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Mercy  (currently 3889 views)
Don
Posted: June 1st, 2014, 10:19am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Mercy by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Short, Drama - An ailing elderly man and his loving wife revisit defining moments in his past.  6 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
CalebHart
Posted: June 1st, 2014, 11:25am Report to Moderator
Guest User



A good ol' fashioned "SPOILER!" double-suicide story.  Unfortunately the dialogue was pretty sappy, not to mention (tears flow like waterfalls) and the situation itself just seemed like a really bad idea.  Nice try, but I didn't buy it.   Also, (MARY LEWIS, 67, sweet-faced woman) is a really poor character description, IMO.   Sorry if this comes off as sounding harsh.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 31
DV44
Posted: June 1st, 2014, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
California
Posts
510
Posts Per Day
0.12
Mr. Moore,

Solid writing, man. Great imagery throughout. I'm curious on a couple of issues. So Aaron killed himself and Mary is still alive, right? Or did she take the pills too and is going to die? Who called the police? Mary? If she didn't, then how did the police know to respond to a call that Aaron was going to kill himself? Would love to hear your take on those questions.

Sad story about an elderly gent who is no longer the man he once was. For me the premise of a man killing himself worked but I personally needed to see a bit more from Aaron why he would go to the extreme of doing it. I get that he is older but the only thing I know from him is that his hands shake. Maybe if he said to Mary about how it's difficult to move around or show him moving around and how hard it is. Maybe how she assist him to go to the bathroom. Something more that shows he's really in some kind of pain and can no longer go on. Just a thought.

- Dirk
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 31
CalebHart
Posted: June 1st, 2014, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from DV44

did she take the pills too and is going to die?


The answer to that question is in the very last line of action.

After rereading it, I agree this is a well-written script,  I guess I just had a problem with some of the dialogue.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 31
DV44
Posted: June 1st, 2014, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
California
Posts
510
Posts Per Day
0.12

Quoted from CalebHart


The answer to that question is in the very last line of action.

After rereading it, I agree this is a well-written script,  I guess I just had a problem with some of the dialogue.


Thanks for clearing that up, Caleb.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 31
irish eyes
Posted: June 1st, 2014, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1865
Posts Per Day
0.37

Quoted from Caleb
A good ol' fashioned "SPOILER!" double-suicide story.  Unfortunately the dialogue was pretty sappy, not to mention (tears flow like waterfalls) and the situation itself just seemed like a really bad idea.  Nice try, but I didn't buy it.   Also, (MARY LEWIS, 67, sweet-faced woman) is a really poor character description, IMO.   Sorry if this comes off as sounding harsh.


There's nothing like a good old spoiler straight off the bat
It's all good Caleb, everybody is entitled to their opinion. I'm in construction for 17 years so very little fazes me

Thanks for the read buddy


Quoted from Dirk
Mr. Moore,

Solid writing, man. Great imagery throughout. I'm curious on a couple of issues. So Aaron killed himself and Mary is still alive, right? Or did she take the pills too and is going to die? Who called the police? Mary? If she didn't, then how did the police know to respond to a call that Aaron was going to kill himself? Would love to hear your take on those questions.

Sad story about an elderly gent who is no longer the man he once was. For me the premise of a man killing himself worked but I personally needed to see a bit more from Aaron why he would go to the extreme of doing it. I get that he is older but the only thing I know from him is that his hands shake. Maybe if he said to Mary about how it's difficult to move around or show him moving around and how hard it is. Maybe how she assist him to go to the bathroom. Something more that shows he's really in some kind of pain and can no longer go on. Just a thought.


DIRK!!!! buddy how the hell are ya. thanks for the read

Mary called the cops in the opening scene. She also reached over for the tea in the last scene.


Quoted from Caleb
After rereading it, I agree this is a well-written script,  I guess I just had a problem with some of the dialogue.


CALEB!!! thanks for the reread, see it wasn't THAT bad

So here's the scenario Caleb and Dirk.

It's loosely based on  a local guy who shot himself after suffering from MS. He couldn't do what he could before, not the man he was. Then strangely my wife's friend hung himself also suffering from MS and family man for the same reason.

As you know me Dirk, I'm more of a comedy writer, but after the success of "11:07" I tried to keep the same sentiment.
I wanted to keep it low budget and originally I didn't kill the wife, I just felt her life couldn't go on without him. There are some cheesy lines in there Caleb but overall it's the sentiment I'm trying to capture.

Thank you guys for reads if I can return the favor let me know.

Mark









Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 31
Forgive
Posted: June 1st, 2014, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27
Hey Mark - I hope you're not writing suicidal trips after 'pools season  

Well... opinions, opinions. IMO, the reveal's too heavy here - the 'sure you want to do this' line killed it off for me and & guessed what was to follow. I think you could actually leave the cops out of this all together - have them do the drink, maybe have her hesitate somewhere along making the drink, then share the memories, with the twist at the end -- harder to get, but still referenced at the start - subtlety. But then you're in construction.... Just IMO - good read overall - and TBH: Lambert's a crap buy. Just what is that all about???
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 31
DV44
Posted: June 1st, 2014, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
California
Posts
510
Posts Per Day
0.12
Mary calls the cops in the opening scene?

Just like school, I should have been paying attention!

BTW, you're not just a comedy writer. You're a damn fine drama writer as well.

How's the DJ script coming along with Gary?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 31
irish eyes
Posted: June 1st, 2014, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1865
Posts Per Day
0.37

Quoted from Simon
Hey Mark - I hope you're not writing suicidal trips after 'pools season


OUCH


Quoted from Simon
Well... opinions, opinions. IMO, the reveal's too heavy here - the 'sure you want to do this' line killed it off for me and & guessed what was to follow. I think you could actually leave the cops out of this all together - have them do the drink, maybe have her hesitate somewhere along making the drink, then share the memories, with the twist at the end -- harder to get, but still referenced at the start


I went back and forth over this on a few drafts, I left the "sure you want to do this" line out. then had a few peeps read it before I posted and they were undecided on whether Aaron knew or not. I wanted him to know about the poison.


Quoted from Simon
Lambert's a cr** buy. Just what is that all about???


Well... opinions, opinions.

Thanks for the read bro

Mark



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 31
SAC
Posted: June 1st, 2014, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Mark,

Good to see you finally got this up.  

Overall, I thought it was very good. I definitely got the 11:07 "feel" when I read this, meaning the sentiment, and the way the story is sort of "ticking" down to its climax. Does that make sense?

Glad you dropped the line where Aaron mentioned MS.

Loved the Everest line -- I would have done, I could have done. Then, for emphasis, he says it again. I thought that was powerful.

Liked how you wrote he faked throwing the ball o his son it the flashback. Cute, and a really tender moment there.

I didn't like the cyanide reveal. Sounds a bit too deviant to me. Perhaps it could have been sleeping pills of some sort. Cyanide sounds more like something a murderer would use.

I liked the ending, but I didn't. It felt rushed somehow, and looks a bit off in that you finish this off with two three or four line action blocks and then fade out. Maybe that shgould have been broken up somewhat, or added to. Make us follow the police officers around as they go throught the house. Actually, a line of dialogue from one of the officers might have added to the finale.

Overall, touching and heartfelt. You did a good job of showing us what Aaron was going through in those final moments with your descriptions.

Would certainly be easy to film.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 31
EWall433
Posted: June 2nd, 2014, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
423
Posts Per Day
0.11
Hey Mark,

Nice little story here. A bit saccharine in places, but if that’s your aim, then you hit your mark.

Pg. 1 “Ok, we'll see you soon.” Seems like an odd way to end what we later find out is a 911 call. Maybe, “I have to go now.” They tend to not want you to hang up.

I assume she got to the tea, but it could also be a cliff hanger. With the cops so close, they certainly could’ve knocked it out of her hand before she drank it.

After looking up cyanide, I think it works well for the speed you want. I was originally going to question whether the cops would be able to revive them. I still question whether Mary would risk the cops getting there before she drank it herself. Perhaps she could poison him first, then call the cops and report two dead bodies, hang up and drink the tea herself. Just a suggestion.

It might also be interesting if one of the memories is something Mary’s surprised to hear Aaron wanting to remember. I feel like we all have those times in life that are hell to live through, but somehow result in fond recollections (maybe we’re just happy we made it). It’d be nice if one of the memories had that feel.

Strong story overall though. Nice work and good luck with it.

Eric
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 31
PrussianMosby
Posted: June 2nd, 2014, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
Hey Mark,

Great themes. Deep stuff you handle with.

--and for that moment whatever
it was, seems to be forgotten--

I would suggest you to give this a physical description: The shine in their eyes goes away... whatever, you can write it better than I for sure, and also as you did it there, I guess.

Okay Romeo and Juliet for oldies.

It's a fine piece to read. I like your sub-themes. Self determining, suicide, euthanasia, are deeply discussed on several levels nowadays.

Aaron seems to be truly depressed because of his disease (what are they), that's fine established. Mary, on the other hand not, for me. As if she's not willing to come to terms with the fact that Aaron wants to pass away. But, she follows his wish (in love) and even take her own life in the end. That's a deep and good point, but I would understand her better if she would act like: I do this for you. And especially tell him that she does. That way, I guess she acts like that for hiding the twist. You can find a way to make it better. I think he need to know about the cyanide but you don't need them to talk about directly, more subtle, that you don't lose the payoff. It's not 100% believable as it is here for me.

I also would like to know the exact disease and reflect for myself: Yeah that's real bad. I can understand them. Then you would have me at a point where I think: Would I like to live that way...

The whole photo album element is fine. I don't think you need the flashbacks in motion. Only watching the album is already fine.

I stumble a bit around here I know. The potential of the current discussion (Switzerland etc) is big and there's a lot of interest for such stuff, I guess.

It's interesting how you've done this so far. The mercy plot is maybe to usual to justify a shooting. It's mainly good plotted, no doubt. I thought about what if they would be both serously ill. You could have the same payout if they were first reflecting the album only in harmony, then the turn shows that it was the last time they are together. They could be extreme tender to themselves and hyper-emotional all the time, without Maries doubts, and we ask why, and about what they are doing, and finally experience the big surprising twist and an ending with a bold statement. That way your characters could be stronger in some attractive ways. Mary wouldn't have to suffer from Aaron's decision, which is a point which currently speaks a bit "against euthanasia" in this script. Doesn't euthanasia and right of self determining of ill people deserve more stable circumstances? An opposite of the dilemma Mary has to handle with here? Watch out if the theme human dignity isn't more interesting concerning euthanasia and suicide today. It's too abstract for me Mary didn't tell him about the "real medicine" in the tea.

As a first approach it's very good. Build up on that. I just throw in some things which hopefully help you.

Best regards.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 31
PrussianMosby
Posted: June 3rd, 2014, 12:04am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
Read the comments.


Quoted from irish eyes


I went back and forth over this on a few drafts, I left the "sure you want to do this" line out. then had a few peeps read it before I posted and they were undecided on whether Aaron knew or not. I wanted him to know about the poison.



Haha. I didn't saw it that way even now. First because I thought Aaron is so ill that I saw the line you quoted above should refer to his difficulty to watch photos, secondary the lines

"Take a good drink now, it'll help.
Tea is great medicine."

Then these lines are very subtle.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 31
irish eyes
Posted: June 3rd, 2014, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1865
Posts Per Day
0.37

Quoted from Dirk
Mary calls the cops in the opening scene?

Just like school, I should have been paying attention!

BTW, you're not just a comedy writer. You're a damn fine drama writer as well.

How's the DJ script coming along with Gary?


Hey Buddy, thanks for the kind words.
We actually finished the 1st draft last week... pretty quick, though it helped that Gary knew the story inside out.  


Quoted from Steve
Overall, I thought it was very good. I definitely got the 11:07 "feel" when I read this, meaning the sentiment, and the way the story is sort of "ticking" down to its climax. Does that make sense?

Glad you dropped the line where Aaron mentioned MS.

Loved the Everest line -- I would have done, I could have done. Then, for emphasis, he says it again. I thought that was powerful.

Liked how you wrote he faked throwing the ball o his son it the flashback. Cute, and a really tender moment there.

I didn't like the cyanide reveal. Sounds a bit too deviant to me. Perhaps it could have been sleeping pills of some sort. Cyanide sounds more like something a murderer would use.

I liked the ending, but I didn't. It felt rushed somehow, and looks a bit off in that you finish this off with two three or four line action blocks and then fade out. Maybe that should have been broken up somewhat, or added to. Make us follow the police officers around as they go through the house. Actually, a line of dialogue from one of the officers might have added to the finale.

Overall, touching and heartfelt. You did a good job of showing us what Aaron was going through in those final moments with your descriptions.

Would certainly be easy to film.


STEVE!!! What's happening BUDDY?

Thanks for all your notes prior to posting, it helped to clean it up a lot. I used "Cyanide" because it's the only pills that are effective that quickly... also known as "suicide pills".

I wanted to keep the cops out of it as much as I could. I just needed them to wrap up the loopholes. Also for production purposes, I do believe if you give someone a line to say it costs more so I hear.

Thanks again Steve



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 31
irish eyes
Posted: June 4th, 2014, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1865
Posts Per Day
0.37

Quoted from Eric
Nice little story here. A bit saccharine in places, but if that’s your aim, then you hit your mark.

Pg. 1 “Ok, we'll see you soon.” Seems like an odd way to end what we later find out is a 911 call. Maybe, “I have to go now.” They tend to not want you to hang up.

I assume she got to the tea, but it could also be a cliff hanger. With the cops so close, they certainly could’ve knocked it out of her hand before she drank it.

After looking up cyanide, I think it works well for the speed you want. I was originally going to question whether the cops would be able to revive them. I still question whether Mary would risk the cops getting there before she drank it herself. Perhaps she could poison him first, then call the cops and report two dead bodies, hang up and drink the tea herself. Just a suggestion.

It might also be interesting if one of the memories is something Mary’s surprised to hear Aaron wanting to remember. I feel like we all have those times in life that are hell to live through, but somehow result in fond recollections (maybe we’re just happy we made it). It’d be nice if one of the memories had that feel.

Strong story overall though. Nice work and good luck with it.


Thanks for checking it out Eric.

I wanted to leave it as a cliffhanger at the end basically our own interpretation of "would we?" if we were put in that position.

thanks again for the notes.


Quoted from PrussianMosby
Great themes. Deep stuff you handle with.

--and for that moment whatever
it was, seems to be forgotten--

I would suggest you to give this a physical description: The shine in their eyes goes away... whatever, you can write it better than I for sure, and also as you did it there, I guess.

Okay Romeo and Juliet for oldies.

It's a fine piece to read. I like your sub-themes. Self determining, suicide, euthanasia, are deeply discussed on several levels nowadays.

Aaron seems to be truly depressed because of his disease (what are they), that's fine established. Mary, on the other hand not, for me. As if she's not willing to come to terms with the fact that Aaron wants to pass away. But, she follows his wish (in love) and even take her own life in the end. That's a deep and good point, but I would understand her better if she would act like: I do this for you. And especially tell him that she does. That way, I guess she acts like that for hiding the twist. You can find a way to make it better. I think he need to know about the cyanide but you don't need them to talk about directly, more subtle, that you don't lose the payoff. It's not 100% believable as it is here for me.

I also would like to know the exact disease and reflect for myself: Yeah that's real bad. I can understand them. Then you would have me at a point where I think: Would I like to live that way...

The whole photo album element is fine. I don't think you need the flashbacks in motion. Only watching the album is already fine.

I stumble a bit around here I know. The potential of the current discussion (Switzerland etc) is big and there's a lot of interest for such stuff, I guess.

It's interesting how you've done this so far. The mercy plot is maybe to usual to justify a shooting. It's mainly good plotted, no doubt. I thought about what if they would be both serously ill. You could have the same payout if they were first reflecting the album only in harmony, then the turn shows that it was the last time they are together. They could be extreme tender to themselves and hyper-emotional all the time, without Maries doubts, and we ask why, and about what they are doing, and finally experience the big surprising twist and an ending with a bold statement. That way your characters could be stronger in some attractive ways. Mary wouldn't have to suffer from Aaron's decision, which is a point which currently speaks a bit "against euthanasia" in this script. Doesn't euthanasia and right of self determining of ill people deserve more stable circumstances? An opposite of the dilemma Mary has to handle with here? Watch out if the theme human dignity isn't more interesting concerning euthanasia and suicide today. It's too abstract for me Mary didn't tell him about the "real medicine" in the tea.

As a first approach it's very good. Build up on that. I just throw in some things which hopefully help you.

Best regards.


Thanks for the awesome notes.

Aaron has MS... Multiple Sclerosis  http://www.nationalmssociety.org/What-is-MS

As I mentioned on a previous post:
The short is loosely based on  a local guy who shot himself after suffering from MS. He couldn't do what he could before, not the man he was. Then strangely my wife's friend hung himself also suffering from MS and family man for the same reason.

The flashbacks were also a back and forth between drafts. I think they added little more substance, actually showing him in action.

It's a very strong subject, I know. When the decision falls down to the loved one, the nearest and dearest it's hard for anyone on the outside to understand.

As you noticed in a post, Aaron does know about the "medicine" I thought it would be more realistic if he did.

Thanks again buddy
Your notes are duly noted.

Mark







Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 31
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006