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In The Nick of Time by Manolis Froudarakis (Athenian) - Short, Comedy, Dark Comedy - A teenage couple encounter an old man who seems imminently suicidal. - pdf, format
I'm guessing this is a biting satire about social media and how we share and revel in horrible events instead of doing something about it? It doesn't really come across as funny, so I don't know if "dark comedy" applies.
I don't know. It's not really developed enough to be much of anything, and I think the page-long length really hurts it. I just hate those two characters. That's really all I'm left with.
It reads like a comment on the video-trend, filming everything no matter how bad it is without any feel of responsible. Mobbing, fights etc. (here suicide)
The way it is here: It's funny. And in the end: sad.
Do you want to make a parody of our society here? That "we" first laugh about their behavior and your short film at all, and then in the end, recognize how far that whole stuff has gone. How ignorant we are that we even laugh about the movie which only reflects our society? And leave us with a bitter taste of how ill it is that we did?
If you do this good here, we will find ourselves thinking a lot even when the short has ended.
I hope I saw it right here: If so - AWESOME. The length is perfect to kick some asses. Very very controversial. If you make it professional, that's something I can imagine will run in the big medias as the current famous YouTube-spot. Make it cool, funny and stylish as much as you can, then in the backhand we reflect how much we are part of the phenomena same as these kids are (in other ways for sure). You even can get the youth to reflect and learn some lessons in the funny stylish way they like. Film this if you can. The irony, the freshness is needed. It's simply intelligent imo.
The truth is, this was my first script in English, so I tried to avoid dialogue and keep it as short as possible. Not without a cost, apparently.
I can think of a couple of ways to make it funnier. It doesn't need to be so bleak to be a parody of the attitudes Alex mentioned above. I'll post a revised version soon.
Like the idea, and as a first script in English I think you've done really well.
My only suggestion is that the final scene is changed to something like a) Someone else watching it on YouTube b) The couple send the file to friends and it going viral with loads of people receiving it and opening it c) People 'Like It' on Facebook d) All of the above in a montage
Thought I’d check this out. I agree with Dressel. I get the “Dark” vibe here, not so much the comedy. On the bright side, I think there’s enough (or could be enough) here to make a decent micro-short. Some technical stuff on your scene headings first…
“EXT. MOUNTAINOUS COUNTRYSIDE, CAR / DAY”
In my opinion you need to choose between “Mountainous Countryside” or “Car” for your scene heading. Which would leave you with something like this:
Code
EXT. MOUNTAINOUS COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
A parked car sits along the side of the road. Inside, a BOY and GIRL… ect.
In the second heading you include “Moments Later” and “Day”. Once again, you only need one. In this case I prefer “Moments Later”.
Finally, your last slug indicates an Exterior shot of the car, but all the action takes place inside it. It’s especially important we be inside the car so that we can see the phone’s video. So I’d adjust that slug to:
INT. CAR (MOVING) – DAY
As far as the story goes, this works well enough for me. When it comes to these micro-shorts, you’re just looking for one good beat to hang your hat on. I think having this young, loving couple turn into social media sociopaths is a pretty good beat. Something that might give it a little more oomph…
If the Girl fell and scraped her knee while she was running and the Boy helped her up in a very loving and concerned manner… then they see the old guy. I think it’s an interesting contrast that could emphasize what you’ve already got going on.
Other then that I think this works about as well as it can in a single page.
One pagers are hard to pull off, but I think you did a good job here. The boy whistling "alway look in the bright side of life" gave this a very Pythonesque feel to it for obvious reasons, but you ending lived up to it.
I would have made the few action descriptions flow a little better, namely the end where she's looking at the video of the man jumping. She sees it, but we don't. Perhaps you did it that way to fit it in.
Or perhaps, for filming purposes, it might be difficult finding an actor to leap from a cliff. Shorts don't pay that much...if at all.
Thanks for all the comments! It seems most of you think this micro-short could work with some changes. I've already written a much different version (going for pure comedy this time) and I'm curious how you'd compare it with this one. It will be posted in a few hours.
Anthony, I like what you propose – especially the facebook "likes" on the video. Thank you for the read!
Dustin, thanks! Glad you liked it.
Eric, I wish I'd read your suggestions on the technical part before I sent the new version. Really helpful. Your idea about the contradictory behavior of the teens is interesting too. Thanks!
Steve, I agree. Action description, in general, is not my favorite thing in screenwriting. But I'm glad for your, otherwise, positive review.
Again, thank you all for the help! I've also started reading your stuff and will be commenting on it as much as I can.
I read both. This has the same social commentary of the first, but made me chuckle at the end. Suffice to say, I prefer this one.
Very clever of you that the boyfriend chooses to hold his hands over the girl's face for what ensues, but would not have had the guy taken a dive. Good choice.
Hey Manolis - I didn't read the previous version, but this works very well in its current form. There's still a nice social commentary going on there on how we're more concerned with a YT hit than saving someone's life. I like the touch with him covering the girl's eyes which is a nice contrast as he was happy (implied) for her to see the guy jump.
This would be really easy to film too - I hope someone picks it
Personal minor on the phone screen threw me: -- POV of the boy through the phone’s screen. I think you meant: -- INSERT: Phone screen. The man sways on the edge of the cliff.(?)
Good piece of work though - well done & welcome to the boards.
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In The Nick of Time
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