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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Microwaved Cat Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Microwaved Cat  (currently 1183 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2014, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Microwaved Cat by Vincent Cailly - Comedy - The heir of a family-friendly hotel secretly plans to turn it into a luxury Hotel-Zoo-Casino. But an infamous swindler, who is a making a living off frivolous lawsuits, checks in his hotel and jeopardizes his plan. 82 pages - pdf, format


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yulestar7
Posted: December 18th, 2014, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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Oh boy this script needs a lot of work. First, you need go through this script with a fine-tooth comb and proofread for syntax, conjugation, proper tenses and other grammatical mistakes. Your butchering the English language with this script.

Second, your description of a courtroom layout is wanting and woefully inaccurate.  The desks that you speak of in a courtroom are designated as the Defendant's Table or Prosecution/Plaintiff's Table. The space in front of the courtroom is the well. The object in the middle is a podium, not a lectern.

Third, your courtroom scene opens with the Judge taking pleas. However, in a civil trial, which is what you have here, there are no pleas. Pleas of guilty or not guilty happen only in criminal cases. Further, they only happen at the arraignment stage, not the trial stage. A judge would never elicit a defendant's plea and then immediately begin trial.

Next, a judge's office is called his chambers. This one is minor but should be noted. All in all, this product needs a ton of work.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: December 19th, 2014, 2:38am Report to Moderator
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A little research goes a long way.
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Josh
Posted: December 23rd, 2014, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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As yulestar said, definitely punch this one up with correct grammar and spelling. I got to around page 10, and I'm surprised I made it that far. I'll focus this comment on the logline, though:

It's a bit clumsy, but I think you can improve it.


Quoted Text
"The heir of a family-friendly hotel secretly plans to turn it into a luxury Hotel-Zoo-Casino. But an infamous swindler, who is a making a living off frivolous lawsuits, checks in his hotel and jeopardizes his plan"


Why does the heir need to have these plans in secret? And whether it needs to be in secret or not, I would recommend purging this detail, since it'll just cause confusion and questions about the motivation. I wouldn't start a sentence with "But", it's not technically incorrect (despite what grade-school teachers might have said) but it just doesn't look very good. I would combine this into one sentence. So here's my improvement:

The heir of a hotel's plans of converting his family-friendly hotel into a luxury Hotel-Zoo-Casino (what? I think you can find a better word to describe this) goes smoothly, until a swindler who cheats money by making frivolous lawsuits checks in.

It's still pretty bad and could use some work, but I think this'll give some food for thought.

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