The Hotwife by Samuel Theodros - Drama - A cuckold couple allows a law student into their bed but see both their lives fall apart in the process. 98 pages - pdf, format

Wow, lots to talk about with this one.  You are probably not even around, Sam, but I'll leave some comments to help you out, just in case.     Your writing has no style, no flavor, but your first 27 pages are impressive, probably because I'm doing most of the work in my head, visualizing everything, but also because you do genuinely have some great stuff on display.

Let's start with the opening.  You have Jacob banging Elyse and then her older husband, Mr.  Bogel, walks in, freaking Jacob out and making him think he's been caught.  In reality, Jacob's just a pawn in a sick sex game/fantasy that Elyse and Bogel like to play out.  I thought this opening could have been milked a little bit better.  How bout instead of having him just appear in the room, you show Bogel on his way home from work, pulling into the driveway, walking up to the house, all the while Jacob and Elyse are having sex.  Make us think that the husband is going to catch his wife cheating and something bad is going to happen.  Create the suspense, draw it out, and when he finally gets to the room and sees what's going on, turn the scene on it's ear by doing the reveal of their game they play.

Mr.  Bogel is a really, really creepy character that you have created.  Page 15 is where I got hooked.  While I think your writing lacks a punch and some style, I do have to admit that you have a knack for wording some awkward, out there scenes.  Bogel's wife going down on Jacob in the back seat while Bogel stares Jacob down in the rearview mirror - wow, I got some chills.  You really did a great job with Bogel for the most part.  I also liked how you may or may not have hinted at his homosexual tendencies as well.

As for Caroline and Jacob, I think you failed miserably with that story point.  I would make Jacob and Caroline a couple that has been together for a long time and genuinely love each other, but things are changing.  Maybe Jacob's bored with the sex or maybe they're on the outs or whatever.  One thing would be for sure - he's at least bored with the sex.  This is why he goes along with this weird sex fantasy with Bogel's wife.  If you worked on Jacob and Caroline's relationship, you could have scenes just bursting with nothing but conflict and drama and irony.  It'll only work if we like Jacob and Caroline as a couple and feel sorry for them and genuinely want them to fix their relationship and get back together.  This, in my opinion, is the part of your script that you need to work on the most.

As it stands now, I just don't like them together, I don't care if they work things out, I don't care about any of their scenes together.  There's no emotion.  Now let's talk about the scene where Jacob and Caroline are trying to fuck, but Jacob can't get it up.  I like the transition you have with Jacob eventually being able to perform, but Caroline is unmoved by his penetration, and then we smash cut to Jacob with Elyse, banging her brains out, no problem.  I like it, but I think you could go one better.  How bout when Caroline offers to suck Jacob off to get him hard, you could have Jacob deep-throating Caroline but at the same time visualizing Elyse as the one blowing him the same way she did in the back seat of the car the previous night.  He finally comes.  You could even have him tell Caroline afterward that she's the only one and he loves her.  See the irony?  Man, this whole script has potential, but you really, really have to work on Jacob and Caroline.  I still say the script doesn't work if their relationship doesn't work.

Now, as far as the ailing father in the hospital goes - that's a plot that's been covered a zillion times.  You even get a little melodramatic.  I personally would recommend axing the entire plot of the father being in the hospital.  It took up a lot of space.  But, I'm also conflicted, because there's a scene that has so much potential to be powerful and moving and I'm talking about when Elyse comes looking for Jacob who she thinks will be with his father, Peter, but its just them two alone - and Peter thinks Elyse is his ex-wife who never visits him or gives him the time of day anymore.  Peter could finally get off his chest whatever it was that's been bothering him for so long - whatever it is - he could, in a way, confess it to Elyse.

In closing, I loved your first 27 pages.  They were impressive.  However, I think the rest of the script burns out and does not deliver the goods.  Don't get me wrong, I did like some stuff as the story went on (Elyse and Peter's scene together, etc), but overall everything fizzled out too soon and I thought the ending was extremely underwhelming and cliché.  Everything just played out so typical.  You had a lot of weird things happening throughout the script, so I was at least expecting a different kind of ending - maybe a twist or a darker finale - but instead everything, in my opinion, was by the numbers.  I was hoping for something really crazy or surprising to happen.  I was more than disappointed.  I wish I could recommend 'Hotwife' to other members, but I can't.  I'm crazy about the first 27 pages.  I love it.  But the rest of it just goes down hill.  Just because your first 27 are great is not enough.   The 65+ pages that follow have to be great as well, man.  Hopefully you somehow make your way on the board and read this feedback.  I'll be more than happy to read a new draft if you come up with one.  One thing's for sure, I definitely gained a lot from checking this out and learned quite a bit about what works and what doesn't.

Two minor notes:

Combine Jerry and Arjun and change Jerry's name - it's too similar to Jacob.  Dialogue could be confused.

Bogel finds Caroline on FB then in the next scene shows up out front of her apartment.  I don't know if people can post their home address on FB or whatever, but I doubt anyone would.  Maybe have Bogel get the info some other way?


--Steve

Thanks for the read and detailed notes. I think your first point about Mr. Bogel coming back from work is great and will incorporate it into the script.

However, some of your other comments are presumptuous and somewhat rude. "You lack no style"... That does nothing for me and is ridiculous from a fellow amateur. Also, the relationship between Caroline and Jacob is perfectly fine as is. Jacob is in a crisis about his future and that is why he seeks out Elyse, skydiving etc...  

Thanks again for read

The review did throw around the words "great stuff" and "impressive" - a lot.  Does it not balance out?

Hello Sam,

I read your entire screenplay and let me say that you have achieved something truly magnificent here. This was not an easy story to tell but you handled it really well. You are a very powerful writer and have the ability to use the right words at the right time which is very important for screenplays. Overall you know the format and you have a good understanding of grammar.  

As good as this script is it will never be picked up in Hollywood but not because it is bad or because it is too racy but because it does not follow the hollywood forumla. Every screenplay that hollywood produces follows the same formula and if you wish to sell this script and work in Hollywood you need to conform to the "Hollywood structure."

If you wish to work independently then that is different.

So where do you get the forumla? You can watch Hollywood movies, you can take a screenwriting workshop or you can read a couple of books. Michael Hague's "Writing Screenplays that Sell" is really good. So is John Truby's book which is for advanced writers like yourself or Blake Snyder's book. I would say start with Hague then move on to Truby.

In closing, great story but if you want to sell it to Hollywood you have to make it conform to the formula. Check out Hague, Truby, or Snyder and they will get you  on the way!

And PS

Never use BEATS, those are for shooting scripts only. Same for CUT TO: or any camera angles and directions. Just create an image for the reader. Remember your audience is folks who want to make movies so for spec scripts keep it as simple as possible and don't use any stuff reserved for Shooting Scripts.

Great stuff,

I was a fan of this story. The characters were well fleshed out, and I like the side character Arjun quite a bit.
The story worked, and Mr. Bogel was a creepy mofo. I was hooked in the 1st 10 pages and was impressed with the pacing throughout. Strong female characters. (Though I don't know about the importance of having Jacobs father in the script, seemed forced imo). I laughed quite a few times as well. Really good job.

Nemo

Quoted from TomV As good as this script is it will never be picked up in Hollywood...

It could get picked up then rewritten by somebody else, gaining a 'story by' credit.