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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Radio and Stage Plays  ›  Deals in Space
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Don
Posted: June 8th, 2014, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Deals in Space! by William Peskett - Comedy, SciFi - Dave Smart, business lecturer, leads a group of entrepreneurs to Kalista-mm in the Smiling Disc star system in search of business opportunities. The benefit of studying a different way of life is that it teaches us more about ourselves. The groupís experiences provide plenty of scope for cruel swipes at many of the things we hold precious: government, big business, justice, democracy, climate change, science, religion and do-gooders generally. It all adds up to a hilarious jaunt around a little-known quadrant of the galaxy and a satisfying dig at many of our own sacred cows. 263 pages - pdf, format


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CalebHart
Posted: June 8th, 2014, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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A 263 page "radio" comedy.  I've never seen this before.  Must've been a lot of work.  You clearly have a knack for writing dialogue.  Best of luck with it.
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Dustin
Posted: June 8th, 2014, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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I read the first page and I found the dialogue too OTN... radio plays are difficult because you have to feed the story through dialogue, but it requires a subtlety I don't believe you have nailed. Maybe the rest of the script is better than page 1... but I doubt it.

Mine is just one opinion, the reviewer before me believes your dialogue to be sound, so you should probably listen to him.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 8th, 2014, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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263 pages? Check please...
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CalebHart
Posted: June 8th, 2014, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
Mine is just one opinion, the reviewer before me believes your dialogue to be sound, so you should probably listen to him.


I dunno if I'd call it sound.  I'm just impressed at the level of work it must've taken to write it.


Quoted from Dealsinpace
The people of Kalista-mm are a resilient race. They were not daunted by the challenge of environmental devastation. They embraced pollution and all its damaging effects. They evolved a new biochemistry to cope with an acid medium. They rejoiced in the damage to plant life by developing new acid-loving crops for areas that had previously been useless wild jungle. The animal species that went extinct in their thousands were glorified in death on the hat-badges of our nationsí armed forces  ó  images of the grathus, the armigent and the big sardine, for example, denote courage and fortitude in the face of insuperable odds.


It is on the nose though.


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Forgive
Posted: June 8th, 2014, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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Well - about 10 pages in we start getting to the actual script, and it's 10 episodes so that's about 25 minutes per - which might still be a bit long radio-wise as some do 15-min bits.

I noticed there was no sound effects at all - these are quite important in a radio play. Dialogue wasn't too bad - author doesn't appear to be totally new to the craft. Just seems like a bit of a data dump to me.
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Dustin
Posted: June 9th, 2014, 1:10am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Quoted from CalebHart


I'm just impressed at the level of work it must've taken to write it.



You'd actually be quite surprised how easy it is to fill pages due to the format, and without needing to worry how bad the dialogue is, it's even easier.
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