36 Hours in the Life of a Smackhead by Dustin Bowcott - Short - A lowly smackhead lying and stealing for drugs is delivered a harsh justice. - pdf, format

I assumed this was an autobiography until the end...  

It's almost the script-writer's version of "I'd like to have an arguement", and as such it's almost not worth leaving feedback as there's elements that you're not going to change on threat of death.

Remorseless and depressing, yes. And the point of the feedback is probably more a query on where the line between quasi-documentary and screen story-telling is? That's you choice, but as an advocate for the story - I'll stick in my ha'penny:

On the schoolboy, I'd have like to have heard the Mockingbird Song - it forms a key theme in the script, and that would have warmed us up to it and provided a nice reference. I like the use of it, but it only comes in half-way though almost.

Gary's a key-character, and I think he could have done with a little bit more developement - he and Steve come in a little too suddenly.

Steve getting stomped on by the gang & the gang knowing that Benji tried something on with the lil' old lady - came in a tad convenient -- may have been better to have had an earlier scene with Steve leaving as Benji approached the gang.

All IMO of course, I just felt some of these elements came out of the cold. Same with Gary's heart attack too; the referencing there was a little too subtle - maybe he could pop a pill or two.

So... I can't say I liked it because it was written to be disliked. But on the other hand, I can't say you wrote it totally without hope as there are elements of hope when he uses the nettle to pull the photograph in, so you almost place a hint of possible redemption in, before snuffing it out.

The problem that this leaves me with, is what is the writer saying? I know you like to go on about the writer's voice being in the work, but the writer's choices also come out of the work. What do you want to leave us with? Aside from a nagging suspicion that ending it all is the only solution?

My thoughts

Bleak and has the ring of truth, dragged me into the story quickly and effectively even though I wasn't sure I wanted to be taken there!

My thoughts on elements that could work better/differently (imho).

1) Scene with Sheila, would be be able to perform at all? Maybe his pathetic descent could be illustrated that way?
2) I wasn't convinced about the end of the Steve and Gary conversation re killing him, I don't think it adds anything. Also I think an iPhone on a tripod would be better than a video camera. The video clip could maybe figure later.
3) When the old lady turns to look at him, maybe he could get a flash of his mother?
4) I know the end has truth to it, but I'd rather Benji prevail - sucker for an upbeat ending!

Minor points, great read... hope someone picks it up.

Anthony

Dustin

This one…I’m not sure how to put it. I enjoyed the read. It was dark and somewhat entertaining.

Writing was good. One minor line caught my attention, no biggie.

finds an internet phone…..Not sure if that’s a UK way of saying it. I would have said "smart phone".  Internet phone…I picture that’s how the old people say it.

But now for your story

Benji being the hopeless crack head, tormented and driven by his addiction, finds himself in a precarious spot, but from no fault of his own. You want to root for him,. Some type of redeeming quality that may still linger. But that doesn't happen here. You did have warm childhood memories of his mother surface in the story but then you quickly extinguish that.

The mocking bird song was a nice touch, seen where you were going,  like a sad underscore...but it felt like it needed to be less subtle when correlating with the scene.

Instead we follow Benji down this dark road of debauchery (your pulp fiction homage I guess) which inevitably leads him back to Gary’s apartment.

Gary’s heart attack felt forced. Didn't pick up on any clues to his condition or addiction. Seemed a bit random.

And the way Benji met his end, I  kinda’ see your message if there is one. On just the cold reality of it all. That life doesn't always have happy endings.  But it just felt that your ending as cold and disturbing as it was, came off rushed and a bit.. dare I say contrived.

Overall it left some impressionable images that are probably still floating in my head. So good job with that.

Reel - Truth

Hey Dustin,

Very good.  Powerful images throughout. The writing succinct, not forced. The English terminology didn't bother me -- I was able to figure it out. This kinda reminded me of the movie Kids in it honest brutality.

The use of the Mockingbird song was a nice touch, but I felt it was over used. I think you should have used it only twice. The first time it appeared, and again at the very end. Couple that with the picture of Benji's mother and you got one very powerful image there.

As Marcello noted, this left some lingering images. Not a bad thing, not a good thing. Just something you can't get out of your head. It read almost bittersweet for me. Involving death, it is always sad to realize what one has left behind. In Benji's case, it doesn't appear to be too much, but go back to that picture again...

Very well done.

Steve

Thanks for the early read, this is a first draft and I do know that I need to make Gary's condition more apparent, show extra signs. Or I may just leave it out altogether. So thanks for noticing that.

This is kinda like a documentary. Having been homeless myself in the past, and everything else I've been through, I met a lot of people just like Benji and indeed all of the characters in this. Not sure about the killing and whatever as I never really got that close, just close enough to learn a few things about people. Although I have tried heroin a few times, I was never stupid enough to become an addict. I've also smoked crack. Purely to figure out what it's like... honest. I did used to take a lot of coke and X though, the nightlife was where it was at for me.

I wrote this to film myself, already have the main actor lined up, he loves it. He's a method actor... obviously he's not going to take any heroin, but I'm pretty sure I can educate him as to their character. Not all smackheads are the same, just the ones that can't really afford the habit. There are people that have careers and maintain a heroin habit without anyone ever knowing. But I'm not writing about one of them.

I can't put a happy ending in this.... there rarely is one for a smackhead and I doubt I could accomplish such an arc in a short. I suppose I want to leave the viewer with a slice of the truth... a very grim truth, but still, this kinda stuff does actually happen. I also wanted to show the dog eat dog mentality that prevails in our society. Everyone is taking from somebody... the only real winner in this story is Shottaz, and he's a well known drug dealer, so simply biding his time till the next lengthy jail sentence. Even people that work are doing so for a pittance, struggling to make ends meet.

Yes Anthony, he could still perform. I'm sure anyone that's taken opiate-based painkillers may have experienced it. Although you are correct too that being desensitised too often could lead to a complete disinterest. Most of them just fall in love with the smack.

The appearance of Steve and Gary is meant to be sudden. The viewer is meant to be as confused as Benji and learn what is going to happen just as he does.

Thanks Steve, I like the idea of using the lullaby at the start and the end... I also like the idea of the final image being that of the photograph.

Forgot about the old lady. What I'm implying there is that Benji has robbed old ladies before. He failed with the one he was going for, so Shottaz couldn't know about that particular occasion. This isn't the first time Benji has been desperate enough to mug an old lady.

Dustin

Quite an effective piece you have here. There were a few things I questioned, certain plot choices but on the whole it was well executed, engaging and seemed to come from a place of truth.

WOMAN
He’s all right, just the local smackhead.

- This line read a bit odd, would she phrase it like this? Contrary to her husband, she displays compassion for Benji so such a matter of fact delivery jarred somewhat. I thought she might sugar coat it a little.

“She nods her head in Benji’s direction - fuck off, it says.”

- I felt the same here in that I imagined her nod to indicate more “move along” or “you better go” rather than “fu?k off” I know, it’s a small thing, no big deal.

SHEILA
Not so easy when you’ve got a life.

- This line read strange to me, what does she mean? Is it a dig at Benji’s situation/lifestyle?

The way the scenes with Sheila play out it might come off, at first glance, a little unlikely or implausible but we’re in a lower class neighbourhood here with a specific demographic of people, who, according to our preconceptions, freely engage in unscrupulous, immoral behaviour, spousal and drug abuse, etc . Of course, supposed “successful” or rich people have affairs, indulge in promiscuous, debauched activities too it’s just within this script’s social landscape, it feels more in tandem or common, less surprising whatever…or perhaps I’m coming off a woefully classist

I wrestle with the same feelings when watching something like “Adulthood/Kidulthood” or in an American context, something like “Kids”. I have to question do these sort of people exist since its far removed from my world or are they created and heightened for the purposes of drama…Then I remind myself that there are every sort of individual walking this planet so yes, these people are real or at least based on real people, the inspiration has to come from somewhere.

The mother’s photograph came off as a bit derivative, like we've seen it before a hundred times. It seems the go-to mechanism to generate sympathy and poignancy for the stricken protagonist’s plight. I felt the same about the reoccurring nursery rhyme, rather unoriginal. I wonder do we need this? Why not just stick to the concept of Benji trying to navigate his way through his precarious life? Isn't that enough?

What purpose is the photo serving only showing he had a mother he loved who he’s estranged from now? We don’t learn anything more about it except that it’s the place he retreats to in his opium stupor, his only source of light in an ever increasing dark world…Yes, it adds a tragic element that he once has someone who loved him, he had a home but that’s all you do with it, thus it felt a little too manipulative for me, merely inserted purely as a device to humanise Benji, who I think is human and developed enough without it. Obviously, you will get readers/viewers who will demonise him right from the outset because he is a drug abuser, everything is self inflicted so why should we care and are those narrow minded people worth getting on your side with the inclusion of a photograph? I don’t know, I guess that’s your call.

Also, the call back to the photo of him spotting it in the river was as inevitable as the tide, again felt contrived but I suppose since I didn't like it to begin with the pay off wasn't going to do much for me either.

Anyway, moving on, the scenes with Gary and Steve and what transpires, or at least what’s suggested certain adds a real edge to Benji’s situation and the depraved depths he has sunk to in order to survive. I like how you paint the picture, the camera, plastic on the floor, etc but don’t explicitly show what goes down, far more effective to let us fill in the grizzly blanks.

Even though it’s a low and mean world you are portraying I was even shocked by Gary’s blasé attitude when suggesting that they should kill him and Steve’s reasoning for not. We’re dealing with some nasty motherfu?kers right there!

I thought the re-appearance of Steve getting a beating off Shottaz’s crew would have more consequence. I was expecting Shottaz to let Benji get in a kick or two and seeing how would Benji react to this would’ve been interesting. It seemed like a good chance to test Benji’s character in terms of vindictiveness and will power. Instead he remains in the background as Benji is denied a fix on tick from his dealer, felt like a wasted opportunity.

Perhaps Shottaz could cut Benji a deal where for a fix he has to do in Steve… but I understand you had your own direction in which to take things.

And the direction you took it in was Benji going back to the sinister Gary, his only option...and this time Gary goes through with his earlier threats of killing him. I’m not sure about the conclusion, is it unnecessary bleak, wantonly depressing? I dunno. It definitely fits with the hopeless tone of the piece although some may deem it a little overly dramatic and concocted if you know what I mean, the ironic twist of fate of Gary getting a  banger right after he’s done away with the protagonist. I‘m not sure what you were trying to achieve here other than a shocking finale, some kind of cosmic justice or karma? Also, it feels that for such an influential character that Gary becomes by the end, we know very little about him. He seems a tad underdeveloped for someone so integral to the plot. On the other hand, I realise its only a short where you can’t fully establish every character but Gary is a mysterious one, maybe this was your intention.

One other thing, I would’ve done everything to fit this into 15 pages, its one less reason for someone to pass on reading it because of the length. It’s hard to get reads for anything longer than 15 or so pages, would do no harm to squeeze in those last two lines.

Anyway, enough rambling, I liked this, terse writing, realistic for the most part while admirably sticking to its guns and avoiding concessions in its depiction of a gritty story in a tough world. Well done.

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Quite an effective piece you have here. There were a few things I questioned, certain plot choices but on the whole it was well executed, engaging and seemed to come from a place of truth.

Thanks. It is a collection of things I've witnessed and then imagined to extremes. I have heard, not seen, of smackheads being snatched from the streets and sold for sex. Those same victims though are also predators themselves. They just pick on kids or old ladies instead. That was why I had him robbing a schoolboy at the start rather than simply shoplifting. I don't want the viewer to get behind Benji, I just want them to watch.

Quoted Text WOMAN He’s all right, just the local smackhead. - This line read a bit odd, would she phrase it like this? Contrary to her husband, she displays compassion for Benji so such a matter of fact delivery jarred somewhat. I thought she might sugar coat it a little. “She nods her head in Benji’s direction - fuck off, it says.” - I felt the same here in that I imagined her nod to indicate more “move along” or “you better go” rather than “fu?k off” I know, it’s a small thing, no big deal.

I described her as hard-faced I think, which I thought gave her a cold exterior. In this world, if you have compassion it's dangerous to show it, particularly if you are a potential victim yourself, as a female with an aggressive man in the house she has to show herself to be on his side, so must strike a balance if the event is to go down without violence.

Quoted Text SHEILA Not so easy when you’ve got a life. - This line read strange to me, what does she mean? Is it a dig at Benji’s situation/lifestyle?

Yes it is a knock on Benji's lifestyle, in that as Benji doesn't have a life it is easy for him to move where he wants. When you've gotten used to a certain lifestyle it is far harder to leave, particularly if the man is the bread winner. Where is she going to go? Lots of people stay together because it is easier than splitting up.

Quoted Text The way the scenes with Sheila play out it might come off, at first glance, a little unlikely or implausible but we’re in a lower class neighbourhood here with a specific demographic of people, who, according to our preconceptions, freely engage in unscrupulous, immoral behaviour, spousal and drug abuse, etc . Of course, supposed “successful” or rich people have affairs, indulge in promiscuous, debauched activities too it’s just within this script’s social landscape, it feels more in tandem or common, less surprising whatever…or perhaps I’m coming off a woefully classist

No... you're right. There's a distinct difference in the education of the working class and the middle class, there just is. Much of it is programmed in that way, from the parents mostly, but also society's expectations of how they should behave. Call someone an idiot enough times and they start to believe it. Most of the working class are stuck in Eastenders, mimicking its little dramas, because that's real life. There are people like that and much worse.

Quoted Text I wrestle with the same feelings when watching something like “Adulthood/Kidulthood” or in an American context, something like “Kids”. I have to question do these sort of people exist since its far removed from my world or are they created and heightened for the purposes of drama…Then I remind myself that there are every sort of individual walking this planet so yes, these people are real or at least based on real people, the inspiration has to come from somewhere.

Yes there are people like that... it's funny, because when I watch kidulthood et al, I don't think they're quite as real as they could be. Things are darker than that, grittier. The youth are just crazy. I know because I was one of them. That's why we have film and novels... to share what other people could never know. That's why we always write best when we write close to home.

Quoted Text The mother’s photograph came off as a bit derivative, like we've seen it before a hundred times. It seems the go-to mechanism to generate sympathy and poignancy for the stricken protagonist’s plight. I felt the same about the reoccurring nursery rhyme, rather unoriginal. I wonder do we need this? Why not just stick to the concept of Benji trying to navigate his way through his precarious life? Isn't that enough?

Yes it is an unoriginal mechanism... but on screen it works. There has to be something soft to offset the bad, even if it's just a little. There has to be a flash of hope... and a tangible symbol of that hope. Maybe one day he'll get better, get off the gear and turn his life around... then it's cruelly snatched away.

Quoted Text What purpose is the photo serving only showing he had a mother he loved who he’s estranged from now? We don’t learn anything more about it except that it’s the place he retreats to in his opium stupor, his only source of light in an ever increasing dark world…Yes, it adds a tragic element that he once has someone who loved him, he had a home but that’s all you do with it, thus it felt a little too manipulative for me, merely inserted purely as a device to humanise Benji, who I think is human and developed enough without it. Obviously, you will get readers/viewers who will demonise him right from the outset because he is a drug abuser, everything is self inflicted so why should we care and are those narrow minded people worth getting on your side with the inclusion of a photograph? I don’t know, I guess that’s your call.

OK, I'll change it to something his mother gave him as a child. There has to be a tangible memory of his mother, something he's held onto despite all the shit going on. I'll look for another lullaby too as I do like the idea of using one, the mockingbird one has apparently been used before in The Midnight Cowboy (1969).

Quoted Text I thought the re-appearance of Steve getting a beating off Shottaz’s crew would have more consequence. I was expecting Shottaz to let Benji get in a kick or two and seeing how would Benji react to this would’ve been interesting. It seemed like a good chance to test Benji’s character in terms of vindictiveness and will power. Instead he remains in the background as Benji is denied a fix on tick from his dealer, felt like a wasted opportunity. Perhaps Shottaz could cut Benji a deal where for a fix he has to do in Steve… but I understand you had your own direction in which to take things. And the direction you took it in was Benji going back to the sinister Gary, his only option...and this time Gary goes through with his earlier threats of killing him. I’m not sure about the conclusion, is it unnecessary bleak, wantonly depressing? I dunno. It definitely fits with the hopeless tone of the piece although some may deem it a little overly dramatic and concocted if you know what I mean, the ironic twist of fate of Gary getting a  banger right after he’s done away with the protagonist. I‘m not sure what you were trying to achieve here other than a shocking finale, some kind of cosmic justice or karma? Also, it feels that for such an influential character that Gary becomes by the end, we know very little about him. He seems a tad underdeveloped for someone so integral to the plot. On the other hand, I realise its only a short where you can’t fully establish every character but Gary is a mysterious one, maybe this was your intention.

Good points, I'll consider fleshing out Gary a little more. To be honest, the only reason Steve ends up in the park is for the sake of an arc.

Quoted Text One other thing, I would’ve done everything to fit this into 15 pages, its one less reason for someone to pass on reading it because of the length. It’s hard to get reads for anything longer than 15 or so pages, would do no harm to squeeze in those last two lines.

Yeah, they really bugged me too. I did do some editing, but for some reason it came out the same length. I did a second draft on this a few days ago and it's even longer now... I've had some great reads already, including one in email using a fake name, unless they really are named after a Polish sausage, that have given me some excellent pointers on where to take this for the third draft or rather, where not to take it.

I wrote this to try and win festivals with. Seems they like this type of thing. It may seem lofty right now, but I envision this one hitting Cannes.

Thanks for the read and lengthy review, much appreciated.

Hey Dustin. Just read your script and thought it had many strong elements. Really enjoy your economy with words and you seem to have a no bullshit approach to your writing wich I find refresshing, Although, that may be just the angle you were approaching for this specific story.

There were some points that threw me off, not many, but some were already mentioned above so I won't re-hash. But One thing I had a hard time buying, and it isn't a huge thing, is The "resolution" of the Steve character. You did a really good job creating this "underground fringe world" where it seems everyone kind of knows everyone. At least that's what really jumped off the page for me. So it just didn't feel real that Steve was in this victim situation at the end with the skinheads.

Here's why: Like I said, it seems that everyone in this kind of sub-drug world knows each other. That's what was the continued feeling while reading. Steve feels like a guy I never want to have to confront. When we first meet him, he feels like a real bad, mean cat. So It seems If Steve went to the skin heads and tried to pick one up for sexual exploits he would be coming at it from an alpha dog angle. I would assume that Steve is familar with this gang and would either not fuck with them if he knew they were just as bad as he is and, or know approaching them with that idea would be a bad decision. It just seemed off for the character and the world you set up.

But, just my opinion. At the end of the day everyone has angle and perspective.

Really nice work. Hope to check out some more stuff in the future. Good luck.

You're right. I already have an idea how to make the Steve thing go down easier. I think it is too telling that I've stuck it in for arc purposes, and lazily so. It is a downfall of mine that I will use weak tropes. It's kinda like cheating, I suppose. So yeah, I will cut corners if I can get away with it and I do need someone to kick my arse into gear.

Thanks for that kick. I'm not a very good reader, but if you have something you'd like a read on, I can certainly tell you if I enjoy it or not.

I have a script called Over the Line in the series section if you want to take a look at it. I won't hold you to it.

Also, just another thought - There were comments in some previous posts saying that some felt the ending with Gary's heart attack was a bit convenient. On one hand I get that but I still think it works. It's a dark, poetic ending and that works with the poetic thread with the picture Plus your story is a tragedy. Yeah, you could allude to Gary's heart condition more, but don't know if thats necessary. I think stories are really like being dropped into a very specific, unique moment of life and time so there's always some element of suspension of disbelief.

Cheers.

Yeah the heart attack does work, but it comes down to cutting corners again. The first thing that struck me was the convenience of it, and there's a good chance it will strike the viewer too, yes they'll skip over it for the sake of the whole story (I do that all the time when watching) but I'd rather not put that thought into their heads. The longer I can hold them to the film the better. I want them to think about the subject matter, not plot weaknesses.

Thanks again.

I've completely remodelled it. Got rid of the lullaby altogether and replaced it with a rap, that somebody else will write. The Rap will play a large part in this script. Kinda like a musical, only the singing will be in the background.

I've mentioned breaking the 4th wall in this, but I think I will take that out. I've also changed the title to simply, Smackhead.

There are a lot of reasons I went for a complete rewrite, although the last one works... it's all been done before. It was also a little preachy. I like this version because it is modern and tells the story without making any judgements.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Dustin,

This is a fantastic, well written and as real as it gets story. This reminds me of certain estates in London. The people are brutal and have no morals for how they make ends meet. A very dog eat dog world.

I know for someone like Benji growing up in that environment would find it very easy to slip into the drug addiction game. It's almost the case of knowing no different. So I don't think we need to go into his past, or how he got himself into this position.

This is truly a role for a method actor, I can visualise it now, down to his skinny, beat down appearance, to going into his state of clucking.

This reminds me of a film Gary Oldman did years ago called "Nil by mouth" so real to the unfortunate end of the London streets.

I have no negative comments regarding formatting or layout, this was very easy to follow. I wouldn't change the ending as I thought it was self explanatory.

Good luck with this

Lee

Gave this a read - my thoughts:

A really strong short in my opinion. You managed to establish a lot in 13 pages and have it all tie together nicely. It's some dark shit, but.. neighbourhoods and people like this are bound to exist.

Contrary to JimiLamp I found the scene with Steve a really good fit. There goes Benjy's penultimate chance to make money, he'll have to go the ultimate (Gary). It also adds to Steve's character, showing his evil. Good storybuilding. And once again contrary to Jimi.. Benjy doesn't seem like the type who'd admit any of that.

But Shottaz seems like a big shot. It also made me think whether Steve would know what's off limits. I think you could make Shottaz's character a bit more multi-dimensional by replacing cousin with some henchman's daughter or son and show that he takes care of his own.

P1: "Benji grins." After finishing the script he didn't really come off as a character who would be enjoying it. The grin tells me he is. He backed off with the old woman after she noticed.. overall the character came off as a pathetic addict who desperately needed a fix, but one that wouldn't enjoy it. He needs the dose to keep going, but he isn't by all accounts evil. That's how I saw his character. You're the expert on the characters here, but I'd just have him be intimidating and lose the grin.

I really disliked Benjy breaking the 4th wall. While the rap would probably have some serious lyrics, I still feel that randomly breaking out rapping to the audience takes some gravitas away from the short and at worst make it look preachy. Dangerous move, especially right at the start of the short. Having a hard time imagining the rap here, probably due to the lack of lyrics present, but I like the idea.

I think the flashbacks could be timed a little better:

I'd have the first one end at Benji running out of the house. The flashback itself might have a stronger effect if he just sat somewhere, hiding, scared or completely aware of what was going on and just waiting it to stop. I'm not sure if your intention here was to show that after this beating mom took, he went straight to the streets and joined the gang. If it was, the sequence in the first flashback makes sense. In that case I think that this part doesn't need that amount of specification, it shows his life as a kid and that he eventually found solace in a gang. All that's needed imo. I think it might work better than a specific timeline, gives a few small blanks for the viewer to fill and imagine about his sufferings.

Benji being invited to the gang and being in the gang as a teen could start off the hoodies staring by the woman's house.

The flashback with Benji dealing to the prostitutes with Steve present could happen after he gets grabbed. Great chance for some suspense.

Well written with some strong characters. Gary was just horrible.. glad to see karma got to him in the end. Liked the touch with the picture at the end.

Good luck. Looks like this one is in pre-production. If there's a chance of seeing this one on screen, let me know. Definitely interested.

- DS