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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Chupacabra Moderators: bert
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  Author    Chupacabra  (currently 3032 views)
Don
Posted: July 5th, 2014, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Chupacabra by Chris Bodily - Horror - A down-on-his-luck pizzeria manager, an overbearing young woman, and a fun-loving man-child film their hunt for a chupacabra that recently killed a man, and may be far more powerful than they ever imagined. 109 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 16th, 2015, 4:14pm
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TonyDionisio
Posted: July 6th, 2014, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

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Chris,

I was excited to see your script come in at 96 pages but 15 pages in and nothing exciting really happened. You spent a good deal of time describing the looks of your characters, why? Unless the looks are important to the story,  sex and age are good enough. Let the dialog and actions define the characters to the potential actors.

Tony
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: September 14th, 2014, 4:34am Report to Moderator
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Congrats on knocking out a feature, not an easy task.

An urban legend or folk lore tale always has potential. I’m not sure about the second sentence here, more then they bargained for, however I do like the attempt to give some sense of the ending or threat.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
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Hey, Chris

So, I’ve only made it to page 18, and I thought I’d share  what I see and think. And, so far, you’ve hit what I would expect in the launching of the story… we meet the main character, his allies Lamar, Sarah & Jerry, the antagonist, the chupacabra. You even have a desire, which is to track and find the chupacabra; also, you even put the main character in a bad situation that doesn’t relate to the desire, he’s a divorce.

With that said, the execution on a few of those were confusing and created the wrong kind of questions for a reader/viewer. For example, why did the group and the manager seem way more concerned for people getting attacked in the shop, why the people while bleeding asking, “who are?” do they really care. The videotape read as though we couldn’t see what was on the screen, and it was just audio. Why was Lamar laughing? It just makes your characters appear less credible.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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ChrisBodily
Posted: November 3rd, 2014, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Busy Little Bee
Hey, Chris

So, I’ve only made it to page 18, and I thought I’d share  what I see and think. And, so far, you’ve hit what I would expect in the launching of the story… we meet the main character, his allies Lamar, Sarah & Jerry, the antagonist, the chupacabra. You even have a desire, which is to track and find the chupacabra; also, you even put the main character in a bad situation that doesn’t relate to the desire, he’s a divorce.


Thank you.


Quoted from Busy Little Bee
With that said, the execution on a few of those were confusing and created the wrong kind of questions for a reader/viewer.

For example, why did the group and the manager seem way more concerned for people getting attacked in the shop


I'm sorry; I don't quite understand what you're asking me.



Quoted from Busy Little Bee
why the people while bleeding asking, “who are?” do they really care.


To quote Ray Stantz, "it just popped in there."



Quoted from Busy Little Bee
The videotape read as though we couldn’t see what was on the screen, and it was just audio.


Exactly! Theater of the mind. Think of it as not seeing the shark. If you don't see the scary thing (be it the shark, Michael Myers, or in this case the chupacabra), then your imagination runs wild. I like the idea that what you don't see is scarier than what you do see.


Quoted from Busy Little Bee
Why was Lamar laughing? It just makes your characters appear less credible.

BLB


That's a good question, actually. Lamar is a skeptic, doesn't believe in any of this. He was laughing because the surveillance video came off like a SyFy Channel B-movie.

Thank you for your honest opinion. You've given me a lot to think about for a potential rewrite.



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DS
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Chris - I took a look and here are some of my thoughts:

Doesn't look like the most promising start - There's already a big problem on the third line.


Quoted Text
A photograph of Jim Beard�s body and wound.


This line says that there's a male body and he has a wound somewhere, but it should be saying a lot more:

Who is Jim Beard - How old is he, what does he look like?

What kind of a wound is it and where is it located?


Quoted Text
JERRY BEARD (forties or early fifties)


It's your universe, you should make up your mind on this, give a definite age or just go with "late 40s/early 50s". It should be one or the other, we should be immersed in the story not having to figure out which of the two we should be imagining.


Quoted Text
TOM JONES (late forties)


Has Tom Jones's career gone so downhill he has to go around hunting chupacabras now? Is this name choice intentional? Mr. Jones is pretty famous, you're risking having your script remembered by Tom Jones going chupacabra hunting.


Quoted Text
TOM is divorced. He has a mustache.


"Tom is divorced" is telling not showing and doesn't belong in a character introduction. Character introductions should be limited to their appearence/demeanor. There's no way this would be apparent on the screen right now, it should be revealed in the script when it's timely, whether in dialogue or showing Tom sob over some picture etc.

It also feels rather odd that the only other thing mentioned in his character description is the fact that he has a moustache.

By the way -- You only have to capitalise your characters once. It's not necessary to do it twice when you're continuing with their introduction.

You can also turn off the (cont'd)'s. They're not necessary, unless you have continuous dialogue from one page to the other.


Quoted Text
SARAH (V.O.)
Hey, Tom. Just letting you know
Lamar and I are on our way.

Tom nods his head.

TOM
Roger that. See ya soon.

Tom hangs up and resumes walking.

TOM (cont�d)
That was Sarah.

Tom descends the stairs.


You could cut two lines here - The nodding. Does it carry any actual significance to the story or is it just a minor detail unnecessary to direct the actors?

The other two lines could be merged to - "Tom hangs up and heads down the stairs."


Quoted Text
Assorted chupacabra paraphernalia adorns the walls.


The average person reading the script will have no idea what chupacabra paraphernalia would be. I believe you'd need to specify further what exactly adorns the walls.


Quoted Text

JILL wears a divorce-themed T-shirt.


Once again what's a divorce-themed T-shirt? There are hundreds of potential scenarios, further specification is once again required imo. I'm at odds whether the T-shirt concept is genius or the complete opposite. Jill is described as a cold bitch towards Tom - and on top of everything she's wearing a divorce themed T-shirt while sitting next to their son... to wind Tom up? Sounds a little over the top right now.

And where is Trent in this scene? He gets introduced, then has absolutely nothing to do or say. Tom talks about him into the camera, maybe you should at least bring out that he ignores everything.


Quoted Text
He wears a T-shirt of an 80s or 90s cartoon.


Once again the reader has to decide instead of being able to read it out, don't give us two options, give us cold hard facts. 20st century cartoon could work here if you can't decide yourself.


Quoted Text
SARAH
I don�t mean to be rude, Tom,
but... what�s with the camera?


Why did Sarah wait this long to ask the question when they were already being filmed in Tom's house? Surely she would have wanted to know there already.

I'm off on page 5 at the moment, the writing/story doesn't want to make me keep going now and there are red flags that would cause a harsh reader to turn off very early. Since you're around the boards I'll come back to this and delve into the story more soon. Hope this was of some help, for now.
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DS
Posted: November 7th, 2014, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Okay - continuing:

P4: Missed this earlier - How did Trent get there?

P5: Lamar is sweating and then he's suddenly cold 20 seconds after?

Lots of OTT drama here and it feels poorly handled. The dialogue never really shined, but it's getting really bad now.


Quoted Text

JILL
You�re not his mother, Sarah!

Sarah slaps Jill.

SARAH
Fuck you, bitch!

Trent heads toward the door. Sarah turns toward him.

SARAH
You know, on second thought, you
can come with us. For now.

Trent takes a deep breath.

TRENT
Halle-fucking-lujah!
Trent opens the door.

TRENT (cont�d)
So long, sucker!

He closes the door behind him.

Sarah picks up the camera.

SARAH
The tribe has spoken.


Lamar suddenly banging doors over a harmless comment, Sarah slapping Jill and breaking into a "Fuck you, bitch" was questionable. It looks like everyone's supposed to be hating on Jill. Perhaps, but the scenes feel underplayed and overplayed at the same time. They're really short and it feels like you're trying to get out of them too fast, while filling them with OTT moments where they act like small children with what looks like forced profanity.

P10: Sarah's crying and quivering feels a little hasty and perhaps added for too much of a dramatic effect just as Tom's hyperventilating when he was questioning Jim Beard's wife. Also what's "takes a chill?" Twice I've heard it now, I think you've worded something wrong? Is this an actual expression? Nothing when I Google it.

Now the scene instantly switches to them at a 7-eleven and oh wonder, the Chupacabra is at a rampage in the store as soon as they exit it? What a coincidence. I'd say you should give the ramifications of the attack on the car some screentime instead of them being jolly at a 7-eleven instantly after.

3 customers are escaping and of course the dialogue reveals nothing and instead they stop for an useless comment then run forwards. And one of them asks who they are and then runs off after hearing the answer? Okay. This feels like a familiar scene and instead of creating extra tension it's making me roll my eyes.


Quoted Text
TOM
Are you blind, sir?

STEVE
The name�s Steve.



Quoted Text
STEVE (cont�d)
Never heard of him. Some kind of
Mexican wrestler?



Quoted Text
STEVE
Then again, I used to think Yom
Kippur was an old dead actor...
until I met my girlfriend.



Quoted Text

TOM
Oh, you�re thinking of Yul Brynner
in the movie, Westworld.


Right? Is this serious? I didn't see comedy listed as a genre.

Now at the interview with the Winterbottoms and I'll be stopping here.

To be honest -- This reads like a spoof of cheesy horror movies along with the interview scenes looking like a spoof of "Finding Bigfoot"-esque documentaries. I just don't know whether this is meant to be serious horror or not.

The dialogue is poor, scenes feel rushed, exited too early. The shadow of the Chupacabra pops up when they first interview Jim's wife while there's conflict whether Jim was killed by the Chupacabra or whether they were imagining things. You give no time for that conflict and I think you should.

The Chupacabra conviniently comes to them, they don't even have to look for it. But it misses them, twice - by page 12. It magically disappears when they stop the car, when they're at the store it strikes exactly when they leave. How much of a suspension of disbelief is that?

I think you could strengthen your protagonists. There's the stereotypical black guy who sounds... stereotypically black, the divorced protagonist with the caricature bitch ex-wife and the son who hates her and the "sensible of the group yet scared" woman. Nothing original, really. I very much disliked the family drama here. The only character I found remotely interesting was Jerry, he seemed to have an interesting agenda, but he didn't really get a lot of screentime and I wasn't a fan of his few-second scenes. I think the scene shouldn't have cut instantly on page 5 when he was at the Jones' house, instead we should have seen a bit more on what his involvement was. I don't see the use of a "who is that guy?" character while there's no benefit to it, the viewer can't see that he's Jerry. You go on to reveal that he is Jerry later anyway.

I recommend fleshing out your scenes more, you could also very well deliver exposition through Tom's footage - use the camera angle to the fullest potential. This might come later on in the script, but perhaps you could start Tom talking to the tape explaining why they're hunting for the Chupacabra. Gives them a straight reasoning for their goal from the get-go.

Sorry to say, but this seemed really bad to me. But hey, maybe you'll get some more positive feedback out of someone else. Hope this helped and if you have any questions towards my review, let me know.
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ChrisBodily
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Quoted from DS
Okay - continuing:

P4: Missed this earlier - How did Trent get there?


Huh? I probably meant Lamar...?


Quoted from DS
P5 [I think you mean P6?]: Lamar is sweating and then he's suddenly cold 20 seconds after?



Quoted Text
A shadow appears on the wall by the stairs. Purring. The
shadow lingers, and then ascends up the stairs.


Lamar takes a chill.

LAMAR
Damn, is anyone else cold in here?


The chupacabra/shadow is making him feel cold.


Quoted from DS
Lots of OTT drama here and it feels poorly handled. The dialogue never really shined, but it's getting really bad now.


Quoted Text
JILL
You�re not his mother, Sarah!

Sarah slaps Jill.

SARAH
f*** you, b****!

Trent heads toward the door. Sarah turns toward him.

SARAH
You know, on second thought, you
can come with us. For now.

Trent takes a deep breath.

TRENT
Halle-F**king-lujah!

Trent opens the door.

TRENT (cont�d)
So long, sucker!

He closes the door behind him.

Sarah picks up the camera.

SARAH
The tribe has spoken.


Yeah, the dialogue could be better.   It does improve later on.


Quoted from DS
Lamar suddenly banging doors over a harmless comment, Sarah slapping Jill and breaking into a "Fuck you, bitch" was questionable. It looks like everyone's supposed to be hating on Jill.


If you had to spend even five seconds with Jill, you'd want to run to the nearest door.   She's a queen B if there ever was one.


Quoted from DS
Perhaps, but the scenes feel underplayed and overplayed at the same time. They're really short and it feels like you're trying to get out of them too fast, while filling them with OTT moments where they act like small children with what looks like forced profanity.


The first act was getting slightly long for what I wanted, so I tried to cut it down to 25 pages or so, no longer than 30. Then there's the fact I was originally getting feedback from IMDB's Shop Talk Writers message board, which was of little help.


Quoted from DS
P10: Sarah's crying and quivering feels a little hasty and perhaps added for too much of a dramatic effect just as Tom's hyperventilating when he was questioning Jim Beard's wife.


Sarah is crying and quivering because of the terrifying thing that antagonized them in the van. Perhaps I could have executed it better.

As for Tom hyperventilating, you might want to read on.


Quoted from DS
Also what's "takes a chill?" Twice I've heard it now, I think you've worded something wrong? Is this an actual expression? Nothing when I Google it.


Seriously??   It means to suddenly feel cold. e.g. " It was cold outside. I took a chill the minute I stepped out, in spite of being layered up with a sweater and jacket." Yes, it is an actual expression. You must live in the desert or something? Miami?   Just playin'.


Quoted from DS
Now the scene instantly switches to them at a 7-eleven and oh wonder, the Chupacabra is at a rampage in the store as soon as they exit it? What a coincidence.


No coincidence. It's been following them since they interviewed Erin. Think Michael Myers stalking Laurie, except a tad more subtle.


Quoted from DS
I'd say you should give the ramifications of the attack on the car some screentime instead of them being jolly at a 7-eleven instantly after.


I never said they were "jolly;" then again, I never said they weren't. But it should be understood that they are shaken by what's happened -- Van attack. Van gone. Mysterious attack at 7-Eleven. Remember, Laurie wasn't all giggles when Michael Myers starting stalking her. The emotion, the fear, is still there, but they're trying to stifle it.


Quoted from DS
3 customers are escaping and of course the dialogue reveals nothing and instead they stop for an useless comment then run forwards. And one of them asks who they are and then runs off after hearing the answer? Okay. This feels like a familiar scene and instead of creating extra tension it's making me roll my eyes.


I admit I wrote this part hastily. Originally, it was they exit 7-Eleven, van's gone, a scream inside the store, and then cut to them talking to Steve the manager. But I got a few comments that nothing much exciting was happening in the first 15 pages. (Ditto the van attack, but I didn't write it as hastily.) I tried to do something with it. If you just got mugged or threatened within an inch of your life, you would probably react the same way.


Quoted Text
TOM
Are you blind, sir?

STEVE
The name�s Steve.


Guilty as charged.  


Quoted Text
STEVE (cont�d)
Never heard of him. Some kind of
Mexican wrestler?


This was actually what I thought when I first heard about El Chupacabra. Seriously, doesn't that sound like a Mexican wrestler to you?


Quoted Text
STEVE
Then again, I used to think Yom
Kippur was an old dead actor...
until I met my girlfriend.



Quoted Text
TOM
Oh, you�re thinking of Yul Brynner
in the movie, Westworld.


Different strokes for different folks, but I'm keeping the Yom Kippur/Yul Brynner part. It reveals something about Tom, that he's a cinephile. Then again, we already know he is because he's wearing a Criterion T-shirt (which I added in later drafts).


Quoted from DS
Right? Is this serious? I didn't see comedy listed as a genre.


Because it's not. A serious horror movie can have a few funny parts.

Halloween:


Quoted Text
LOOMIS
Because I know him. I'm his doctor. You must be ready for him. If you don't, it's your funeral.



Quoted Text
WYNN
Haddonfield is 150 miles away from here. Now, for God sakes, he can't drive a car!

LOOMIS
We was doing very well last night! Maybe someone around here gave him lessons.



Quoted from DS
Now at the interview with the Winterbottoms and I'll be stopping here.

To be honest -- This reads like a spoof of cheesy horror movies along with the interview scenes looking like a spoof of "Finding Bigfoot"-esque documentaries. I just don't know whether this is meant to be serious horror or not.


It meant to be every bit as serious as Jaws, Alien, John Carpenter's The Thing, and Halloween. Especially Alien and The Thing. What kind of movies do you consider to be cheesy? I'm trying to write a serious A horror movie, rather than a SyFy Channel B movie.


Quoted from DS
The dialogue is poor, scenes feel rushed, exited too early.


While I do take the blame for these things, some of the blame goes to IMDb for not giving me good enough feedback, thus preventing me from improving. See above.


Quoted from DS
The shadow of the Chupacabra pops up when they first interview Jim's wife while there's conflict whether Jim was killed by the Chupacabra or whether they were imagining things. You give no time for that conflict and I think you should.


Whenever somebody describes the chupacabra accurately (we find out a crucial part of Tom's backstory starting on page 23), it leaves Tom shaken, and he knows undoubtedly that it really is/was the chupacabra.

For example, (using Halloween again), when Loomis visits Judith Myers's grave, only to discover her headstone missing. He sums it up, "He came home," without missing a beat. Same scenario here.

Another example: In Jaws, Brody and Hooper both know they the captured shark (the tiger shark) is not the one (a great white) that killed Chrissie and Alex Kintner.


Quoted from DS
The Chupacabra conviniently comes to them, they don't even have to look for it. But it misses them, twice - by page 12. It magically disappears when they stop the car, when they're at the store it strikes exactly when they leave. How much of a suspension of disbelief is that?


You did read the entire Winterbottom interview, right?  

Sorry if I'm spoiling it for you:


Quoted Text
ABNER
As I ran to the door to quarantine
him, he took off! Like a cheetah!
Fastest damn thing I’ve ever seen!



Quoted from DS
I think you could strengthen your protagonists. There's the stereotypical black guy who sounds... stereotypically black, the divorced protagonist with the caricature bitch ex-wife and the son who hates her and the "sensible of the group yet scared" woman. Nothing original, really. I very much disliked the family drama here. The only character I found remotely interesting was Jerry, he seemed to have an interesting agenda, but he didn't really get a lot of screentime and I wasn't a fan of his few-second scenes. I think the scene shouldn't have cut instantly on page 5 when he was at the Jones' house, instead we should have seen a bit more on what his involvement was. I don't see the use of a "who is that guy?" character while there's no benefit to it, the viewer can't see that he's Jerry. You go on to reveal that he is Jerry later anyway.


About the quick page 5 scene, he's an important character (especially in the third act), but I didn't think he had enough screen time in the first act. Plus, recapping is frowned upon.

The protags are actually pretty strong in acts two and three, but I see that act one needs a lot of work.


Quoted from DS
I recommend fleshing out your scenes more,


This is what I did, but I had to cut heavily to get down to a somewhat shorter first act.


Quoted from DS
you could also very well deliver exposition through Tom's footage - use the camera angle to the fullest potential. This might come later on in the script, but perhaps you could start Tom talking to the tape explaining why they're hunting for the Chupacabra. Gives them a straight reasoning for their goal from the get-go.


Ditto. Perhaps I should reinstate it.


Quoted from DS
Sorry to say, but this seemed really bad to me. But hey, maybe you'll get some more positive feedback out of someone else. Hope this helped and if you have any questions towards my review, let me know.


Thanks a million (nay, billion) for the feedback in both posts. I think I have enough to start work on yet another drastic rewrite, Draft 8.

This was a big help.


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ChrisBodily  -  November 15th, 2014, 11:21pm
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Quoted Text
Because it's not. A serious horror movie can have a few funny parts.


Oh, absolutely. It's pretty much a must to have funny parts in a script, whatever the genre. What I had in mind and what I undoubtedly could have worded better was that I thought it was treading into spoof/parody/pisstake territory, which I did mention later on. In those cases comedy is listed as a genre.


Quoted Text
You did read the entire Winterbottom interview, right?  


Ah yes, of course. That clarifies the point that it was following them all along and that it has the power to get in through every tiny crack and potentially shapeshift? However, it is still somewhat of a stretch that they get away untouched. The chupacabra is at Jim Beard's house where there's a vulnerable woman as an easy target, then it attacks the car - the car stops in the middle of nowhere and everything seems to be fine. Then they're at 7-11 and it chooses to attack people inside the store as soon as the gang exits once again leaving them untouched. This is something I would at the moment still consider a suspension of disbelief - unless of course the reasoning behind this and the potential motives of the Chupacabra are revealed later on, I don't know. But it looks odd right now.


Quoted Text
This was actually what I thought when I first heard about El Chupacabra. Seriously, doesn't that sound like a Mexican wrestler to you?


The first time I heard about the ol' goatsucker came with the concept, so I don't know what I'd think. However, yes... it probably does.

I think that's a good line, but in the concept of that entire conversation reading rather ridicilous imo I just had to bring it out along with the others.


Quoted Text
This was a big help.


I'm glad to hear that it was of some help.

Best of luck with the next draft and I look forward to seeing you around the boards more.
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ChrisBodily
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Just thought I'd give a quick update on my progress.

I'm finished rewriting the first act. I wrote a completely different opening that does in four pages what it took me three scenes to do previously.

I upped the GSU a bit, and rewrote a whole friggin' lot of bad dialogue (or outright replaced it with silence).

And I even (with a heavy heart) brought myself to delete a scene that was great, but not necessary and sort of bogging down the first ten pages (the van attack before 7-Eleven). Removing this scene makes for a quicker and smoother read.


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ChrisBodily
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Another quick update:

The whole "Mexican wrestler"/Yom Kippur/Yul Brynner dialogue is out; it's history. I decided, "if it doesn't fit, you must omit."



I'm currently rewriting the second act. Not too much clunky dialogue so far; maybe one or two lines that stuck out like sore thumbs.


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ChrisBodily
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This thread has been quiet lately, but I just wanted to let everyone know that my latest (eighth) draft has been up since January and no one's reviewed it yet.  

I streamlined a lot of the OTT and crazy stuff or outright removed it. Watching Breaking Bad has really helped me improve my dialogue. The serious tone is more consistent than it was in my previous seven drafts.

I hope you enjoy it and give me your two cents.  


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Quoted Text
This thread has been quiet lately, but I just wanted to let everyone know that my latest (eighth) draft has been up since January and no one's reviewed it yet.


I'm on it  


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Andy Best
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I just read the newest edit of Chupacabra. There are many posts going into details on technical aspects of certain lines and elements and Chris said he has made a lot of edits. So I won't go near that at all. I just want to talk big beats and what I liked about it.

Overall, as a horror movie, it reminded me of an 80s slasher I recently revisited called Hell Night. I mean structurally. We have about 20-25 minutes of set up, done in a self-conscious (meta) way, very direct and assuming horror viewers are good with it. Then the rest of the movie is an extended chase-about with the killer/monster, peppered with the odd quiet moment and gradually deaths in the group.

Stylistically it is framed as a film-in-a-flim documentary, but not found-footage. The monster is the Chupacabra, which gives it the feel of the investigating-modern-myth story.

Here's my favourite element, I don't want to give big spoilers, but lets say that it would require a big rewrite to run with my take - so maybe it's useful in general for other projects: I think the character of Tom has massive potential to hang a whole movie on, as the heart or the human base to a horror.

Summing up what we know from the script, kinda:

Tom is a documentary film-maker who was competent but middling, stuck in local channels and resigned to mediocrity or 'not making it.' And approaching mid-life crisis point. So then he makes a big decision to quit his regular TV work and try to make a feature and break through. He chooses to go after a myth topic, or supernatural investigation. After all that's a hot topic and has enough populism to get him noticed ... but after he gets going, not only is he beset by lack of progress, he is also now ridiculed by his colleagues from the serious documentary/news world. Then, after signs the myth might be real, and very dangerous, all that past drives him to go on with it, even though it will either ruin him ... or kill him.

Saying it out like that, I imagine all kinds of stuff. It's the heart of a good picture, I think. Plenty of potential to go way beyond something in the Hell Night genre - which by the way, there's nothing wrong with if that's what you're shooting for. I really enjoy watching Hell Night.


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