The Devil's Lullaby by Russell Davis - Horror - The spirit of a deranged serial killer returns to complete a spell that will turn him into Death itself, possessing a detective's family to help him along the way. 95 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Silly, over the top, leave your brain at the door, type stuff.  I'm even semi-interested, but...

Everything is very on the nose.  Everybody says exactly what they're thinking.  There's no subtlety at all.  There's a lot of telling instead of showing.  The class room scene goes on way too long.  The teacher would have been angrier and would have cut Brian off sooner.

I think you have the chops to become a better writer, you just need to read more scripts and try to learn as much as you can.  

Thanks for the read and your opinion. I appreciate it.

No problem, Russ.  You have me interested, but this needs a lot of work.  You could really benefit from sticking around here and reading scripts.  You can learn a bucket load of shit about what works and what doesn't.  This is the best place to be, honestly.  Read the scripts posted by members and leave comments for them and they will return the favor.  I hope you choose to stay with us.  I have a feeling once you start to get the hang of things, The Devil's Lullaby could end up being a fun little ride.  

I'm usually with trigger street labs and had this reviewed by them over there. It currently sits at 3 out of 5 stars with either average or above marks in five different categories with them. They are screenwriters as well. Some professional, some not. Most of my stuff gets pretty decent reviews over there. I've also had this looked at by a producer who like it and wants to keep it on his slate once his films are complete. He did say he would change some things, but overall he enjoyed it. I like to get different opinions from people. Keeps the writing process pumping. Opinions are always appreciated. Thanks again.

I was with you until here on page 1:

Code There’s nine hearts in a jar surrounding a circle with a horrific design in the middle.

There is nine hearts? Should be there are nine hearts. Is is singular, are is plural. I also cannot see what you are trying to describe. There are nine hearts in a jar... yet this jar is somehow surrounding a circle? Is the horrific design in the middle of the circle or the jar?

I have to say, that with an action block like that on the first page, I'm not too sure I want to read any more.

Code The ground shakes, and the hearts beat as if they’re alive.

At least you got the plural right this time, but the end part... as if they're alive, is unnecessary. Perhaps here it would be better to describe how the hearts are beating, perhaps they are quite erratic or gaining tempo.

Code DONALD (30s) points the gun to McBride’s forehead.

He points the gun 'at' his forehead, or 'puts' the gun to his forehead, or points the gun 'towards' his forehead.

Code McBride looks at him and sucks his teeth.

Where else would he be looking after just being shot, if not at the shooter? You didn't mention that McBride was black. Also sucking one's teeth seems a tad dismissive of being shot in the shoulder.

That's enough for me.

What made you think McBride was black? Thanks for everything else.

Sucking his teeth. It's what many black people do. Like a white man's tut. Sucking one's teeth is usually done out of displeasure at something, much like a tut. Maybe a white person could do it, but it always comes off as comical.

OK. I don't put skin tone or make my characters any type of race unless I'm throwing in offensive jokes. I have a script that I'm going to upload later called "Sinners" that is slapstick and way over the top. It's like American Pie meets Friday the 13th. I threw in a bunch of stereotypes for offensive, raw, silly humor. I saw the Hatchet Series and thought it was silly and gross, but entertaining. I like stupid horror/comedies like that so I wanted to write one. I'm black myself and I can't remember the last time I sucked my teeth at someone. I've rolled my eyes, but I can't remember the last time I sucked my teeth. That's why I asked. Thanks for the notes.

Quoted from RussellDavis I can't remember the last time I sucked my teeth.

Yet you wrote it in your script? You clearly understand what I'm talking about. Maybe not every black person does it, and I never once said they did, but when done, it is usually by a black person as a show of displeasure. White people don't do that. White people tend to tut.

I believe, after a quick google search, that sucking or kissing one's teeth actually originated in Jamaica and the Caribbean so that probably explains it.

Half my street is black. Always plenty of teeth sucking going on around my way and it's from (always) black people.

I wrote it in my script to show displeasure, not because I do it. Where I'm from it's either I don't see it, notice it, or care for it. I figured sucking of the teeth is a sign of displeasure, not liking something, showing attitude, whatever the case is. It's universal. Anyone can do it. Now that I think about it my G/F sucks her teeth when she tries to prove a point, but she's white. I guess it's an environment thing. Does it really matter anyway?

Quoted from RussellDavis I wrote it in my script to show displeasure, not because I did it. I guess that's where you're from. Where I'm from it's either I don't see it, notice it, or care for it. I figured sucking of the teeth is a sign of displeasure, not liking something, showing attitude, whatever the case is. It's universal. Anyone can do it. Now that I think about it my G/F sucks her teeth when she tries to prove a point, but she's white. I guess it's an environment thing. Does it really matter anyway?

Yes it is where I'm from. I was one of those white kids that embraced black culture, I had little choice, but I always enjoyed the company of black people because of our differences. I don't believe that differences set us apart. They're good things. Black people are different to white people... why have it any other way? Pretending we're all the same isn't going to get rid of racism.

In regards to screenplay writing though, stereotypes are your friend when used properly... like in this instance... the name McBride suggests a white man (don't lie) yet the sucking the teeth thing says black man. It threw me. Maybe a less stereotypically-minded person would feel differently, however.

OK. I didn't pick Malone McBride because of a white person. I picked it because I thought it sounded cool. Thanks for your opinion regardless.