The Plant by Elizabeth McKague - Comedy - The Plant is a 'Kafka-esque' romantic comedy about a young man who carries a houseplant around with him where ever he goes. 80 pages - pdf, format

Hi, Elizabeth.

The logline is one of the most intriguing things I've read in a while.. definitely original. So I just had to give this a go.

Some tips to you about slug lines:

INT. = Internal shot
EXT. = External shot

A slug line is built:

INT. LAWRENCE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

INT. (INT. or EXT.)
LAWRENCE'S HOUSE - Inside what we are.
KITCHEN - Subgroups if we need to divide where we are into more parts.
DAY - Time of the day the scene is happening.

Also take note of the spacing. You can find lots of useful information about slug lines on google.

You never describe something in a slug line like you do:

INT. LARGE WINDOWLESS ROOM FILLED WITH CUBICLES

This happens in the action lines.


Your action lines are also too long. Try to be as concise as possible and have some breaks to make sure it flows smoothly.

Let's take this one for example:

Linda gets out of her chair aggressively and strides out of
the room. Jane also rises, shake�s Bill�s hand without
speaking then quickly follows her sister contentiously
whispering. Charles, ultimately bemused by it all, nods
towards Bill and strides out. Allen, suddenly realizing that
he is now alone in the office, looks questioningly at Bill,
who whimsically shrugs in return.
Allen stands, turns gracefully and leaves.

to:

Linda stands up aggressively, strides out of the room.

Jane silently shakes Bill's hand, then walks off whispering contentiously.

Charles, bemused by the situation nods towards Bill and strides off.

Allen, realising he's alone looks at Bill questionably.

Bill shrugs whimsically.

Allen gets up, turns gracefully and leaves.


17 words less and it looks far more neat.


The angles and close ups you are using are also redundant. They don't really benefit anything towards the story and is really the director's job. Use them sparingly and only when it benefits to the story.


On the positive side:

I liked the first 10 pages I read story and dialogue-wise. The characters came off as different people. You seem to be a natural in dialogue.

I see potential in you as a good screenwriter. If you're here on the discussion boards, leave a nod. Google around about sluglines, work on your action lines and submit a new draft of this one you're done. SimplyScripts is a great place to learn the craft, I hope to see you around.

- DS

Elizabeth,

Your logline made me think about the Log Lady in Twin Peaks. So for that I thought I'd have a brief look at your script.

Further to what DS said, I've the following thoughts...

I think you could do with a better title firstly. Your title's not bad. But it could be better.

There are certain rules to spec script writing that you don't have to follow all the time. But it's better for all if you do follow them for most of it.

If you format up to scratch you'll get people commenting on your actual story as good format helps people do so.

You need to keep the action paragraphs to four lines or less. Blocks of text biiger than this put people off.

Turn off the Continueds in your writing software. I'd also lose all the camera directions too, unless you're directing this yourself.

Try to keep in the present tense where possible. It makes a script come alive. For instance, 'seated' in your opening para would be 'sits' or 'sitting'.

Introducing five characters in your opening paragraph will cause most readers to forget at least three of them by the second paragraph. It doesn't work.

I can see why you did it like that. But I'd think about doing it a little slower, when you have to intoduce them. Try to state what they look like in a visual way so people can remember them.

Your writing and dialogue aren't bad. I'll have a proper look when I get some more time.

R