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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  3 Bills Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 1st, 2014, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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3 Bills by Jerry Akin - Short, Comedy - 3 elderly men struggle to get through their first hole on the golf course. 14 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 2nd, 2014, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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Hi Jerry

I really liked this, there was a natural flow to the conversation and the interactions were funny in the main - oh and I don't like golf, so kudos for keeping me interested too.

A few thoughts/minor points
- You don't really need 'cut to:', it's implied by the new slug.
- There's  couple of typo's, e.g. 'whole' - when you meant 'hole'
- A couple of grammer errors have crept in (as they always do in mine), 'you're' when you meant 'your'
- I think it's a little too long, but that's personal taste, if you wanted to you could shave some of the golf shot descriptions off, shorten the putting section etc.

However, I got to the end and they just drive off... there's no real resolution or twist.

So great slice of grey life but I wanted a little more of an ending.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Bogey
Posted: August 2nd, 2014, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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Read 4 pages, and tough to say, but I didn't laugh. I wanted to like it, especially bc I see characters like this for real on the golf course all the time, but it just didn't happen for me. My advice (and I apologize if this bit appears after page 4) - if you want a cheap and easy laugh to get the reader in the mood for a short story about three old codgers playing golf - come right out of the gate with one emerging from behind a tree with a giant pee stain on his pants. Now THAT'S senior golf!
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Jerry
Posted: August 8th, 2014, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback
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TonyDionisio
Posted: August 8th, 2014, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Jerry,

I started it but 3 characters all with similar names...  I'm not in the mood to parse through the dialog, sorry.

Gl with the script
Tony
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Stumpzian
Posted: August 9th, 2014, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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I found myself zipping through this, ignoring the little miscues (effects/ affects), and LAUGHING. Kind of a P.G. Wodehouse air about it. Well done!



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