The Video Game That Killed Sandra Hughes by James A Shea - Comedy -  Gareth's having a bad weekend. He's just been dumped by the girl of his dreams and then his best mate sends a crazed cyborg to kill her, just when he starting to think they might be able to get back together. 31 pages - pdf, format

Don't know if you're about James, so I'll keep it short until you show. Or not, as the case may be.

With a title like this I just had to open it and have a read. So well done there.

Zapp changes spelling a bit too quick near the start. You do a bit too much telling instead of showing near the start too.

Some good ideas in here. I'll leave it there for now. Post here if you're around when you can.

R

I too gave this a quick read because of the title. Thought about calling you in person to tell you my critiques, but I just wrote your number on a bunch of bathroom walls instead.

Unfortunately this one needs a lot of work. You need to show, not tell. Describing a character as "he is trying to take custody of his young daughter" is not a proper description. This should be evident in the dialogue.

Honestly, I don't get the premise either. You don't really explain how it works and the guy who came up with the idea sounds like he just graduated fourth grade.

The jump on page 5 feels a bit jarring.

Anyways, I'm not sure if you're on the boards, so I'll wait for you to chime in.

Read some scripts and learn from them.

Much of the dialogue is funny, I think, and Batesey is an interesting character, annoying at first, just the sort we hope the cyborg runs into -- but Batesey and Gareth seem nearly heroic and almost charming by the end of the episode.  Looking forward to further episodes.

i agree, show don't tell. it is one the the most important rule in writing. but you do have something going on here.