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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Bloom! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Bloom!  (currently 1961 views)
Don
Posted: September 5th, 2014, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bloom! by Jimi Lamp - Drama, Western, Satire - An alcoholic finds the redemption he's been seeking for the last 20 years when his goddaughter shows up on his doorstep, on the run with stolen cash. 109 pages - pdf, format


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JimiLamp
Posted: September 5th, 2014, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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Don, thanks for posting.

This was my 7wc attempt but couldn't quite finish in time. Also went off the rails with genre and parameters. But thankful for this site and the challenge for the added push. This is a rough draft so any ideas, thoughts, help appreciated. Not obligated of course. And will be returned, no doubt. And will have more time to read  others work as well.

I guess, tone wise, ended up going for something like Nurse Betty/Seven psychopaths.

Thanks again, Don and SS.
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LC
Posted: September 6th, 2014, 4:22am Report to Moderator
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Jimi, I took a few notes as I read and I understand this is a rough draft but you really need to get some solid proofreading onto this - hopefully you've used web-hosting or dropbox or similar so the corrections can be made immediately as you go along.

Your opening was a little confusing at first with the intro of Bill in the opening scene - least I'm presuming that's him and then further along LIVING ROOM & ADOBE HOUSE.

When I got to here:

'Like Bill his room is let go '

It took me a few minutes to understand what was going on but I realize now you're saying: just like Bill, (the character,) the room is falling apart. It's bad grammar. At first I thought... so, who is this MAN in the opening scene and who is this other guy, Bill?

The ADOBE HOUSE in description - I'd just say: BILL'S HOUSE - this differentiates it from other houses, and then you can go on to describe what type of dwelling it is i.e., an adobe hut, or a clay shack.

'a mighty botanical garden' - I don't think 'mighty' in this context is apt. A better adjective is needed - perhaps a stunning botanical mural painted on the ceiling? Or 'garden vista'.

Reading on: As you go from mini slug to slug i.e., BATHROOM, KITCHEN, GREENHOUSE - put some variety in the descriptions and by that I mean don't begin each sentence with the word BILL otherwise it reads a little monotonously.

Use BILL in the first line, but then alternate by writing:

HE pours a glass (shot) of whiskey, throws it back.

Empty, except for one row of petunias. Bill tends to the flowers, feeding and watering them - or similar.

'holding a water spout' - what is that exactly? Is that a watering can?

'petunias' doesn't need an apostrophe btw. p.1
no apostrophe 'flower's - flowers' p.48
should be 'reins' not 'reigns' on p.54 - that error is probably repeated elsewhere given it's a Western.
'I can by you a drink.' 'buy' p.55

As a suggestion re formatting - turn off your (CONT'D'S) in your software - they're only needed in scripts now where dialogue continues over a page.
MARLENE, Early forties, - the 'Early' shouldn't be capped.

Also, use 40s, 30s to save word count on your overall page count instead of writing out - 'she looks maybe in her twenties' etc.

Watch your contraction words i.e.,  'your' should be: 'you're' (you are) and:
'to' when you mean 'too' - (meaning: as well).

Story wise where are we exactly? Is this is an old movie set/theater? but now like a roadside market selling flowers and fruit and veg. cause I'm a little confused - the girls have the same uniform yet one is a prostitute and the other one wants to be one (given she's just been fired.) ?

"Time fly’s when your in
Yuma."

should be: 'Time flies when you're in Yuma'.

Streamline your descriptions too: for example - 'She finishes what she’s
writing and brings it over to a cabinet, supporting the TV.' It's way too convoluted.

Perhaps she just 'walks over to a tv cabinet, wedges the paper between two VHS tapes - we can't possibly know btw, though we'd suspect there are movies on those tapes - that those tapes are 'movies' unless of course their titles are written on the spine. Just give us what we see.

"RISING STARS DIE IN ANTICIPATED WESTERN
FILM.'

Perhaps:'Tragic Movie Set Death'? The 'anticipated' slows that headline down imh.

Also, where you can give us a visual in one sentence rather than two - do it.

'Barb finishes her cigarette. She drops and stamps it out
with her foot.'

We know she had to finish her cigarette to drop it and stub it out, so cut the 'finishes her cigarette' and just write what we see - Barb drops her cigarette, stamps it out with her foot.'

'shimmies a credit card'
Unless I'm not up with a new term?? - 'shimmie' is not really the right word here. Were you perhaps thinking of 'jemmy' as in 'to force open'?? Hmm, I don't know I get what you're going for though, she's manipulating the lock with the card, so maybe it works.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Inside... '

Your slug already states we're in an internal scene, so there's no need to write: 'Inside... '
Just go straight for what the audience sees: 'a (young?) man sprawled on the couch, naked, except for a cowboy hat'- startled, he covers himself, hurries to pull on a pair of jeans - you don't need to dictate every single action - 'he hurries and... ' the 'and' btw, just slows down the action.

Petunia opens the door to her room and enters the living
room. She is maybe twenty years old with fire-red dyed hair
and is wearing the same uniform as Barb.

Just have her enter the room. And the 'maybe' bit - well, if you the writer don't know...I get you're trying to say she's barely out of her teens.

And her description is way too long. Nothing wrong with going a little over with your description of your main characters but you could streamline Petunia's.

Petunia is a wounded bird type. Wounded but free. And by
free -- unpredictable, dangerous. But you wouldn’t know by
looking at her -- and she doesn’t know it either.
She is enticingly beautiful, but is unaware. (of her own beauty, I assume?) She speaks with a slight southern drawl.


A lot of people will read this (above) and say it is unfilmable, and in theory it is. I don't suggest you get rid of all your unfilmables/asides cause I quite like them (some others do too) but be minimal. This is not a novel as you are no doubt aware so the trick is in using the least amount of descriptive words to convey your visuals.

Perhaps:
PETUNIA, 20, a bottled 'cherry' redhead -  a curious mixture of vulnerable and spitfire. A natural beauty but oblivious to it.  

Suggestion:

PETUNIA
Barb, meet Jasper.
Jasper, Barb.

Jasper tips his hat.

PETUNIA
You can leave now, Jasper.

JASPER
Yes, Ma'am.

Jasper scurries out the door.

'For the love of money is a root of
all kinds of evil. Some people...

The above dialogue seems to be a mix of quotation so put the quotable words in quotation marks as she's reciting it and continue on with her dialogue to differentiate after '6:10.'

And, when you have a scene description like the answering machine scene we've been made aware of,  Bill has just hit the switch to listen so it's enough just to put: (V.O.) rather than: OVER ANSWERING MACHINE.

Also: turn off your CONT'D's  in your software for a more streamlined script. They're only necessary in modern specs when dialogue continues over to the page.

I'll leave it there for now. A bit of unsteady start for me but reading and scanning a lot further in I'm enjoying this.

What I like most about Bloom is your characters - there's a unique voice to all of them so well done on that.  I've made notes mostly about typos and formatting above, but just so you know I'm being nitpicky. I've really enjoyed what I've read so far - very different, very intriguing and most of all very entertaining.  I'll try to come back to it at a later point, just wanted to give you a little feedback to begin with.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
LC  -  September 6th, 2014, 4:52am
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JimiLamp
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LC,

First off, I would like to say I genuinely appreciate you taking the time to read this and and make notes. This thing is messy to say the least, so thank you for giving it a chance.

No worries at all about the tough critique. Being nit-picky. It's what I need to hear. Am now seeing how beneficial it can be. Especially, if one can be objective and not take it personally. I'm learning.

I've found I can often be consumed with themes, symbolism and big picture type stuff and the writing suffers on a micro level. Now that I'm understanding this and excepting, hopefully I can make changes and focus on that stuff to get better.

The notes are extremely helpful and will implement them. So appreciate that.

I will be using dropbox for future drafts/rewrites.

I'm glad you found some redeeming qualities, so maybe not all hope is lost. I will also be much more mindful when posting. Doing my best to rewrite as much on my own. I was however a bit stuck with this. But maybe a bit to quick to post this as well.

Thank you for your time and feedback.

Much Obliged.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 4:26am Report to Moderator
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Code

A man sits in front of an old projector. His face is never
seen.



The above could be done in one:

A man, face unseen, sits in front of an old projector.

That would also help get rid of the orphan that is currently there. I don't mind orphans, but if there is a way for it not to be there then I'd prefer it as they don't look aesthetically pleasing.

Code

Smoke billows throughout the dark room as the man takes a
drag off his cigar.



Should be 'of'. Also watch out for 'his' words. Who else's cigar could he be taking a drag of? I also don't feel there is any need to mention the dark room.

Smoke billows as he drags a cigar.

In fact I'd probably, if it were me, combine those two action blocks into one. As, to my mind, it is all one shot. Something like this:

A man, face unseen, sits in front of an old projector, smoke billowing as he draws on a cigar.

All of that can come later in editing, but a little forethought can prevent you from writing like that in the first place and therefore save heaps of time. You only start a new action block for a new shot.

Code

ON PROJECTION SCREEN: a wagon comes into frame moving very
fast. One wheel begins to slowly brake off.



There isn't a need for 'comes into frame'. I think you also mean 'break'. If so, how does it slowly start to break off? You're telling rather than showing, leaving it up to my imagination to figure out what you mean by breaking off.

Code

The wagon drops to one side then in a flash it pulls apart.
Two bodies fly out through the dust.



I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to be visualising here. It drops to one side? Ah, OK. I think you mean the wheel falls off? But then it pulls apart and two bodies fly out through the dust?

I was drinking last night, just had a full English which seems to be staving off my hangover, so I could be wrong. Sometimes I read stuff and I just can't figure out for the life of me what the writer means, then I read it a few days later and I get it. I've read the above action block over and over again and within context of what comes before and after. I just can't see what exactly is happening.

So, moving on...

Code

ON PROJECTION SCREEN: a wagon comes into frame moving very
fast. One wheel begins to slowly brake off.

The wagon drops to one side then in a flash it pulls apart.
Two bodies fly out through the dust.

The man takes a long pull off a bottle of whiskey. The
projection screen goes white.



Your final action block is not on the projection screen. So before it you will need a BACK TO SCENE.

Code

A man lays in bed. He’s in his early fifties. This is BILL
BLACK.



BILL BLACK (50s) lies in bed.

You take 3 sentences to impart this information. 15 words (counting the contraction) for what is really just a 5-word sentence.

Code

A man lays in bed. He’s in his early fifties. This is BILL
BLACK.

Like Bill, his room is let go. Beer and whiskey bottles
cover what was once a library of books, tapes and old film
canisters.

He slowly wakes up. Above him, pinned to the ceiling, is a
large poster of a mighty botanical garden. Flowers of every
color and size. He stares at it as he lights a cigarette.



Personally I'd start with a description of the room here, set the scene before moving to the bed. I'd also get far more inventive with the description. I'd have Bill waking as I intro'd him.

You don't have to do that, but you should consider it as you need to streamline your descriptions. It will be hard for any reader to plough through all the needless stuff.

Code

INT. BED ROOM - DAY
The room is covered in old western film posters, pictures of
actresses young and old.



We know it's a room from the slug. All you really need to write here is:

Old western film posters cover the walls.

It stands to reason that those old posters will have actors on them.

I'm not sure how much detail LC has gone into, but if I've repeated stuff then it doesn't matter as you need to have it hammered home. Took me at least a year to master it.

I'm sorry that I can't read anymore at this stage. I don't feel that you are ready yet and I hope you realise that you have got lots of work to do. However, we all started out like that too. You'll soon pick it up.
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LC
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 5:20am Report to Moderator
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Some more notes as promised, Jimi.
... Apologies if I repeat anything already said.

SPOILERS BELOW:


LOGLINE:
I was thinking about your logline and first thought was that perhaps you gave too much away i.e., Beware that your logline doesn't give a conclusion to your story. Now that I've read the script in its entirety I'm not so sure if my previous thoughts are apt. I'd be interested to hear what others think.

LOCATIONS:
The main thing that pulled me up a couple of times was your lack of obvious place and time - like I said previously. Now that I know who's who and where they're from I'd advise you do spell this out more succinctly.

There are two different states in your opener CALIFORNIA AND YUMA, ARIZONA so that needs ESTABLISHING imh. If you have to you can accomplish this through a SUPER but otherwise just tell us in the slugline and then a brief description of that locality wouldn't go astray as well to set the mood and tone of the piece which I think can add a lot to a script in terms of creating the visual for your reader. Given you've got some great set pieces don't let them not be taken advantage of either - give us a little more description. It'll read clearer too then when you transition to the different locales.

FEW MORE TYPOS:
'aisles' not 'isles' - latter are small islands. p.27
'We hope you except. should be 'accept' p.30
'blue prints' should be 'blueprints' p.32
'apart of it.' should be 'a part of it' p.32
'lay out in front of him.' - laid out in front of him. p.33
'they’re are two, basic,
important things' - there are p.33
'It could of been' bottom p.35 - have been
Again: 'you have to accept (not except) that. ' p.79
In this case: 'waved' not 'waived' p.79

I managed to get this lot (above) but there are more still.

SLUGS:
Some of these are a little inconsistent and not exact enough. I'd stick to calling actual HOMES by the names of the people who inhabit them - otherwise it can be confusing.

Example: EXT. MANUFACTURED HOME - DAY
PETUNIA'S MANUFACTURED HOME - NIGHT p.81

I assume this is what we (In Oz) would call a mobile, prefab or trailer-home - that aside you would do well to just list their houses by name.  Save the architecture for the body of description and leave it out of the slug.

The girls work at the:
DESERT INN MOTEL - OFFICE - DAY

Correct? So, when you transition from that larger location to OFFICE etc be sure to be consistent so that your audience knows we're still in the DESERT INN. And, I assume  the MOTEL ROOM is in the DESERT INN MOTEL? Needs clarification.

Some of BILL'S locations appear a bit confusing too. There's a saloon and a home and a Half Built Western Town and he owns all of them, right? Even though they're run-down.

CAPS:
Some characters have not been CAPPED on intro - Larry and Lonnie, I think?

CHARACTERIZATIONS:
You nail a lot of these so great job on that. The most effective way I notice you doing this is through dialogue too which is half the battle. Because of this most of your characters have clearly delineated 'voices'. Its difficult for some writers to do this so kudos on that.

Example: Barb - 'always have a friend in Jesus'.

Nice dialogue between Petunia and Bill too - getting to know one another on p. 39

Likewise the dialogue with Penton and Frank.

RANDOM NOTES:

'The Glasshouse now filled with flowers' indicated to me quite a bit of time had elapsed and I was not sure that tallied with how long Penton and Frank had been on the hunt for the money. But, then later I discover the story spans seven days - oh, and then I discovered later that Petunia stole the flowers, am I right? from Marlene? - so they're not grown from seed hence my original confusion with how much time had elapsed.

p.42 I like this - Petunia trying to seduce Bill and then her dialogue about Bill drinking himself to death and the 'movie' playing over and over re the wagon death - very, very nice.

BILL
Same idea. He’s an extension of you
but you don’t control him. You work
together. Got it?


Simple but really nice dialogue. And it resonated with what you said your strengths are re theme, symbolism, etc. Don't lose that. It is what counts to add emotional depth to your story and characters. All the other formatting stuff, typos etc can be fixed. Story is key.

Is MARA a common name for a man of that heritage?

FLASHBACK should really be one word. p. 58 - reading on that appears to be a typo only cause you do have it as one word further on.

Not sure all the 'teeth' stuff with Penton is necessary as far as the entirety of the script goes. But, then later reading on I see it works well.

What the hell did he just do in the bath??

Lonnie watches. He knows Sam is not a man to mess with --
but all the years he’s been working with him, he’s never
seen him act like this. He’s completely falling apart.


I'd say that (above) is way too much exposition & 'telling'. Makes me think you were rushing to get this finished and it just spilled out.

It's clever the way you've interwoven the THE MEXICAN CARTEL storyline with financing of the Hollywood movie and all of the characters involved.

Did Petunia just give all of the money away to the waitress?  

Penton's psycho character is very nicely drawn.

Okay, I did not like Petunia dying.   Yes, I know - 'kill your darlings and all that'...
Then you make me think she didn't die. Then I discover, again, she did. You might want to think about that. It could be a good twist. Bill can still have his redemption and it might be even more powerful if she does live.

I think you could come up with a description better than 'see through' eyes which you use a couple of times throughout - in the drug-addled scene and further on. Perhaps 'vacant' or 'rheumy' 'opaque', or describe the dilation or constriction (pin-head size pupils).

I did think by the end of the story that perhaps you could have built the relationship between Marlene and Bill just a little more - not by much, but perhaps include a bit of flirting in the beginning, instead of him pretty much ignoring her, for that ending to come off well. Petunia's relationship with Bill is the most defined and with only a fleeting one-night stand between Marlene and Bill, and a dance, and a car-tow in the desert - I didn't think her dialogue later on re 'abusive men' rang true enough. The character of Marlene reads older to me too, than as listed - I suggest you make her just a little younger? Up to you, though.

The Intercut scene with Sam could be formatted a little better - p.98

Your denouement with the final showdown/shootout is very clever - making a film of it etc. Not sure about the dynamite strapped to the chest - seems a little over the top but overall that scene winds up all your plot points nicely.

The final scene with DAISY however - is a little twee. I could buy into it. It's the happy ending I kinda wanted. I just wished it had entailed Petunia instead. I'd say if you're going for that you may as well have kept Petunia alive. But then I would say that wouldn't I?

The ending you have gives the script a somewhat gothic feel which I like. Overall, Jimi you've got a great script/story here. Your talents clearly lie in your characterizations and story which is three-quarters of the battle won.  Polish it up a bit and it'll shine. I enjoyed it a lot and think it would translate well to screen.



Quoted from JimiLamp
Thank you for your time and feedback. Much Obliged.


The pleasure was mine. I wish you well going forward with this and I hope others jump on the bandwagon (no pun intended) and give you feedback. It's a story worth developing.

Btw, no return read needed at the moment. You gave me a pretty nice review for my first ten in the 7WC which I'm still working on, so I may call on you when I finally get that finished.


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Toby_E
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Jimi,

Message me when you've got another draft of this up. Would love to give it a read, but it seems a little redundant until you have had time to utilise Libby's fantastic (as always) notes.

Looking forward to it!


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JimiLamp
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Dustin,

Thank you for checking this out and taking the time to makes some notes. Your specific points are really helpful and are making a lot sense. I'll definitely implement them as I go back over this and make a point to be as succinct as possible while adding clarity. Also, being more visual in the action.

I'm getting the point too that It's important to think about how the script itself should have a visual quality as well. I'll keep that in mind moving forward.

A lot of work, indeed but I'm looking forward to it.

Nice on the English. Hair of the dog. I understand. Look forward to checking out Slo-Mo.

Thanks for the pointers, Dustin. Appreciated.

Revision History (1 edits)
JimiLamp  -  September 8th, 2014, 4:07pm
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JimiLamp
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LC,

Thanks for sticking with this. It's really appreciated and you've been very helpful. You know, I was really stuck in my head with this and had no idea how confusing the slugs could be. Makes a lot of sense and I will go back over them. Also be more specific about the locales.

Bill does not own a saloon. My bad on the confusing slugs. His location/property is a small adobe house. Then the western movie set. The saloon is the saloon in the western town. I'll try to make this more clear. Totally on me.

Correct on the flowers in the green house. Petunia did steal them from Marlene but that info isn't given until later. I see how this could be confusing. It was supposed to be a set-up/pay-off thing. I'll see if there is way to make this less confusing. But you have it right.

Mara is slang for a specific type of soldier ant in Mexico. Thought it was fitting.

(Penton in the bath) Beats me. That guys crazy. Just kidding. Sort of. I think it's a kind of ritual but also read somewhere about how a serial killer would take diluted acid baths to take off a few layers of skin, lessening the chance for finding DNA evidence. Hence the bald head and wig. Maybe unnecessary. But thought it was interesting. Maybe I can add to that somehow.

I hear ya about the end and Petunia Dying. I may change this. And see what you mean by it  being more powerful if she lives. I'll really consider this.

Also, see where you are coming from with Marlene. I did have an extra scene or two with her but it didn't feel right. Felt it threw things off. In a way, Bill tipping Marlene is his way of flirting. I don't feel he would do much more. It was also supposed to establish that he comes in a lot and always tips her. But I'll definitely ponder all of this. You bring up a lot of great points.

LC, thanks again. This was very helpful. I've taken everything you've brought up into account. I'm glad you liked the story and characters. And that you took the time to look passed the technical flaws. Means a lot. I'll work on that stuff, no doubt.

You've chopped me down and brought up just enough to realize what works and needs major work. And to keep me working on this. Thanks again.

Anytime you would like a read, Please don't hesitate. And yes when you get the 7WC script done I'd love to take a look. I may have an Idea on which it was. One of two if I can remember. Look forward to it.

Thx again.
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JimiLamp
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Toby, Will do. Thank you. Would I be correct in saying that a new draft of Dead Waters is up. I believe I have it downloaded. Look forward to that one.
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