Some more notes as promised, Jimi.
... Apologies if I repeat anything already said.
SPOILERS BELOW:LOGLINE:
I was thinking about your logline and first thought was that perhaps you gave too much away i.e., Beware that your logline doesn't give a conclusion to your story. Now that I've read the script in its entirety I'm not so sure if my previous thoughts are apt. I'd be interested to hear what others think.
LOCATIONS:
The main thing that pulled me up a couple of times was your lack of obvious place and time - like I said previously. Now that I know who's who and where they're from I'd advise you do spell this out more succinctly.
There are two different states in your opener CALIFORNIA AND YUMA, ARIZONA so that needs ESTABLISHING imh. If you have to you can accomplish this through a SUPER but otherwise just tell us in the slugline and then a brief description of that locality wouldn't go astray as well to set the mood and tone of the piece which I think can add a lot to a script in terms of creating the visual for your reader. Given you've got some great set pieces don't let them not be taken advantage of either - give us a little more description. It'll read clearer too then when you transition to the different locales.
FEW MORE TYPOS:
'aisles' not 'isles' - latter are small islands. p.27
'We hope you except. should be 'accept' p.30
'blue prints' should be 'blueprints' p.32
'apart of it.' should be 'a part of it' p.32
'lay out in front of him.' - laid out in front of him. p.33
'they’re are two, basic,
important things' - there are p.33
'It could of been' bottom p.35 - have been
Again: 'you have to accept (not except) that. ' p.79
In this case: 'waved' not 'waived' p.79
I managed to get this lot (above) but there are more still.
SLUGS:
Some of these are a little inconsistent and not exact enough. I'd stick to calling actual HOMES by the names of the people who inhabit them - otherwise it can be confusing.
Example: EXT. MANUFACTURED HOME - DAY
PETUNIA'S MANUFACTURED HOME - NIGHT p.81
I assume this is what we (In Oz) would call a mobile, prefab or trailer-home - that aside you would do well to just list their houses by name. Save the architecture for the body of description and leave it out of the slug.
The girls work at the:
DESERT INN MOTEL - OFFICE - DAY
Correct? So, when you transition from that larger location to OFFICE etc be sure to be consistent so that your audience knows we're still in the DESERT INN. And, I assume the MOTEL ROOM is in the DESERT INN MOTEL? Needs clarification.
Some of BILL'S locations appear a bit confusing too. There's a saloon and a home and a Half Built Western Town and he owns all of them, right? Even though they're run-down.
CAPS:
Some characters have not been CAPPED on intro - Larry and Lonnie, I think?
CHARACTERIZATIONS:
You nail a lot of these so great job on that. The most effective way I notice you doing this is through dialogue too which is half the battle. Because of this most of your characters have clearly delineated 'voices'. Its difficult for some writers to do this so kudos on that.
Example: Barb - 'always have a friend in Jesus'.
Nice dialogue between Petunia and Bill too - getting to know one another on p. 39
Likewise the dialogue with Penton and Frank.
RANDOM NOTES:
'The Glasshouse now filled with flowers' indicated to me quite a bit of time had elapsed and I was not sure that tallied with how long Penton and Frank had been on the hunt for the money. But, then later I discover the story spans seven days - oh, and then I discovered later that Petunia stole the flowers, am I right? from Marlene? - so they're not grown from seed hence my original confusion with how much time had elapsed.
p.42 I like this - Petunia trying to seduce Bill and then her dialogue about Bill drinking himself to death and the 'movie' playing over and over re the wagon death - very, very nice.
BILL
Same idea. He’s an extension of you
but you don’t control him. You work
together. Got it?Simple but really nice dialogue. And it resonated with what you said your strengths are re theme, symbolism, etc. Don't lose that. It is what counts to add emotional depth to your story and characters. All the other formatting stuff, typos etc can be fixed. Story is key.
Is MARA a common name for a man of that heritage?
FLASHBACK should really be one word. p. 58 - reading on that appears to be a typo only cause you do have it as one word further on.
Not sure all the 'teeth' stuff with Penton is necessary as far as the entirety of the script goes. But, then later reading on I see it works well.
What the hell did he just do in the bath??
Lonnie watches. He knows Sam is not a man to mess with --
but all the years he’s been working with him, he’s never
seen him act like this. He’s completely falling apart.I'd say that (above) is way too much exposition & 'telling'. Makes me think you were rushing to get this finished and it just spilled out.
It's clever the way you've interwoven the THE MEXICAN CARTEL storyline with financing of the Hollywood movie and all of the characters involved.
Did Petunia just give all of the money away to the waitress?
Penton's psycho character is very nicely drawn.
Okay, I did not like Petunia dying.
Yes, I know - 'kill your darlings and all that'...
Then you make me think she didn't die. Then I discover, again, she did. You might want to think about that.
It could be a good twist. Bill can still have his redemption and it might be even more powerful if she does live.I think you could come up with a description better than 'see through' eyes which you use a couple of times throughout - in the drug-addled scene and further on. Perhaps 'vacant' or 'rheumy' 'opaque', or describe the dilation or constriction (pin-head size pupils).
I did think by the end of the story that perhaps you could have built the relationship between Marlene and Bill just a little more - not by much, but perhaps include a bit of flirting in the beginning, instead of him pretty much ignoring her, for that ending to come off well. Petunia's relationship with Bill is the most defined and with only a fleeting one-night stand between Marlene and Bill, and a dance, and a car-tow in the desert - I didn't think her dialogue later on re 'abusive men' rang true enough. The character of Marlene reads older to me too, than as listed - I suggest you make her just a little younger? Up to you, though.
The Intercut scene with Sam could be formatted a little better - p.98
Your denouement with the final showdown/shootout is very clever - making a film of it etc. Not sure about the dynamite strapped to the chest - seems a little over the top but overall that scene winds up all your plot points nicely.
The final scene with DAISY however - is a little twee. I
could buy into it. It's the happy ending I kinda wanted. I just wished it had entailed Petunia instead. I'd say if you're going for that you may as well have kept Petunia alive. But then I would say that wouldn't I?
The ending you have gives the script a somewhat gothic feel which I like. Overall, Jimi you've got a great script/story here. Your talents clearly lie in your characterizations and story which is three-quarters of the battle won. Polish it up a bit and it'll shine. I enjoyed it a lot and think it would translate well to screen.
Thank you for your time and feedback. Much Obliged. |
The pleasure was mine. I wish you well going forward with this and I hope others jump on the bandwagon (no pun intended) and give you feedback. It's a story worth developing.
Btw, no return read needed at the moment. You gave me a pretty nice review for my first ten in the 7WC
which I'm still working on, so I may call on you when I finally get that finished.