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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Pimple-itis Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pimple-itis by Rion Martell - Short, Comedy - A hotshot movie star gets a taste of his own medicine. 18 pages - pdf, format


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IamGlenn
Posted: September 11th, 2014, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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Don
Posted: September 16th, 2014, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Link fixed.

Apologies.

Don


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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 17th, 2014, 4:44am Report to Moderator
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Code

CRAVEN
(to himself)
You are a handsome devil.



Cut this dialogue. You could simply word it in the preceding action block that he is preening himself in a mirror, rather than just looking in one.

Code

A PIZZA GIRL shows up delivering a pizza. She is young and
dressed in pizza delivery clothes.


A pizza delivery girl wearing pizza delivery clothes... whodathunkit?

Code

She is pretty except for
the nerdy glasses and her horrible complexion. Her entire
face is dotted with PIMPLES.



Why point out she is pretty then go on to describe how ugly she is? Why can't she be fat as well? Head misshapen?

Code

The Pizza Girl is holding a boxed pizza.



This should have been included in the initial description. You're going the long way around everything.

Code

A PIZZA GIRL shows up delivering a pizza. She is young and
dressed in pizza delivery clothes. She is pretty except for
the nerdy glasses and her horrible complexion. Her entire
face is dotted with PIMPLES.

The Pizza Girl is holding a boxed pizza. She ask a
PRODUCTION PERSON for directions. The Production Person
points towards CRAVEN. The good looking man with his legs
crossed.

The Pizza Girl nods and walks towards Craven sitting in his
chair.



The above three action blocks need to be made into one. Find a way.

I've had a little scan through page 2 and it really isn't my type of comedy. Hopefully the tips I've given so far help in some way.
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