Hi Kevin/Chris: I saw a ChrisC under new accounts so I assume this is the ChrisC. As it looks like you're around the discussion boards, I'll try and throw a few pointers in your directions.
Slug lines/scene headings:
Quoted Text INT.SHANNON AIRPORT.MORNING |
Should be INT. SHANNON AIRPORT - MORNING
Quoted Text FLASHBACK.INT.JIMMY�S CAR/BOSTON.MORNING
Jimmy loses control of his car and crashes it into the
median and then disappears behind the airbag.
BACK TO THE PRESENT:INT.CAB.MORNING |
You should have flashback behind the time of day.
INT. JIMMY'S CAR (BOSTON) - MORNING - FLASHBACK
The next one is also odd formatting. You could use:
1. BACK TO SCENE
2. END FLASHBACK
or just
3. INT. CAB - MORNING
I'll link you to a good article about slug lines/scene headings:
http://www.keepwriting.com/tsc/slugsandbeats.htmCharacter introductions:
You don't seem to have much continuity on this. Some characters are given an age, some aren't. Some lack an introduction completely. Give everyone an age and introduce everyone.
Quoted Text Jimmy is around 23 years old. |
Around 23? Go with early 20s or 23. Something specific.
Action lines:
Quoted Text A crowd of people carry their luggage down the corridor
towards the customs officers. Running down the hallway,
significantly ahead of them, is JIMMY.
Jimmy has a strong Boston accent. When he talks, he is
very loud. He�s dressed in baggy jeans, a white wife-beater, and an overzised Boston Red Sox baseball cap. Jimmy is around 23 years old. |
It's best to keep your action lines concise. Say as much as you can with as little as you can. A lot can be done here.
For example something like:
A crowd rushes towards customs with their luggage. Significantly ahead of them, runs JIMMY (23), dressed in baggy jeans, a white wife-beater and an oversized Boston Red Sox baseball cap. He's loud with a strong Boston accent.
Quoted Text The bar is in the middle of the pub and most of the
clientele are huddled around it. There are two entrances
to the pub, a front one and a back one. To the left of the
bar are tables and chairs and to the right is an open area
with a dart board. Also, by the dart board is the entrance
to the office area. Behind the bar there is a staircase
that leads down to keg room and the basement. The pub is
decorated with various Irish souvenirs, as well as old
antiques. There are a lot of farming and agricultural
antiques in the pub, which reflect the rural heritage of
Askeaton. |
Oh no, a lot of lines paragraph. This will put many readers off. You want to go with 4 max in one paragraph, break them up by spacing between actions and they get a lot shorter once you get a hang of the concise thing.
Also think whether it's truly important where exactly the bar entrances and tables and staircases are to the story. Don't over-describe the set. If this were to be filmed the production crew would not go and build or find an exact replica of it anyway, simply because there's no point. Leave these things to the set directors and focus on telling the story. The less you describe the sets, the more leeway the production team has, the less amateur-ish your script looks and the higher the chances of it being picked up.
Quoted Text JIMMY
(slightly angry)
I�m not a tourist, pal.
COUSIN BERNIE
(unsure)
Yes? Can I help you? |
Use parentheticals sparingly. On these two from the first pages for example, it is fairly obvious what emotion it conveys from the dialogue itself. In most circumstances it's better to leave how the dialogue is spoken to the actor, unless really relevant.
Another good article you might find useful:
http://scriptwrecked.com/2009/11/23/10-rules-for-using-parentheticals/I'd also recommend cutting the aunts and cousins in the character names. If you just put it out there that he's a cousin and use BERNIE for rest of the dialogue, it'll make for an easier read.
I'm not dwelling into the characters and story right now. Just some tips to get a hang of the craft based on the first few pages. Good luck.
- DS
Pages: 1
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A Cask of Brandy for Whitey Bulger
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