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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Chasing Johnny Moderators: bert
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  Author    Chasing Johnny  (currently 1616 views)
Don
Posted: September 21st, 2014, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Chasing Johnny by Juan Salvador González - Comedy - Charles and Melissa are two best friends; their friendship is going to be tested when they both meet Johnny, their new neighbor, and both of them are infatuated by the new kid on the block. 92 pages - pdf, format


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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 22nd, 2014, 3:18am Report to Moderator
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Code

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

The TEACHER's giving her class, she's dressed with very bad
taste, we don't really listen to what she's saying, we see
the STUDENTS in the classroom most of them paying attention
but with a bored face, we see the back of MELISSA, she's
wearing a pony tail, and starts writing a message in a piece
of paper, and pass it to CHARLES who's sitting besides her.
We don't see their faces.



There is a lot wrong with the above.

Code

The TEACHER's giving her class



Bad grammar. This reads as though 'giving her class' is an item of ownership. Maybe it's the title of a book? A song? It should also be, 'A' TEACHER gives 'a' class. Even then it's more of a tell. Be better to intro the students without mentioning giving the class. It would become obvious anyway.

Code

she's dressed with very bad
taste



And that is exactly? If you don't know then how are we meant to?

Code

we don't really listen to what she's saying



Then what do we really do? There has to be a better way of getting this across.

Code

we see
the STUDENTS in the classroom most of them paying attention
but with a bored face



There isn't any need to tell us that 'we see' and then go on to describe exactly what we are seeing anyway. We already know we are in a classroom from the slug, so there isn't any need to repeat it.

Code

we see the back of MELISSA, she's
wearing a pony tail



How old is Melissa?

Code

and starts writing a message in a piece
of paper



You need to learn to break up your action blocks. Way too much 'and' going on. There also isn't much of a need for begins and starts... one just does. Also, we write 'on' a piece of paper not in it.

Code

and pass it to CHARLES who's sitting besides her.



Again no age for Charles. Should be 'passes'. Should be 'beside'.

Code

We don't see their faces.



Why not?

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dead by dawn
Posted: September 25th, 2014, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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I have never been one to tear into formatting or typos/grammar mistakes, but you do need to clean it up, man.  When the only review you get is about how bad your writing is instead of how bad your storytelling is, then you have real problems.  A lot of people will not look past all of that and give your story a chance.  Instead, they'll slam the appearance of your script.  It sucks, but it's the truth - and it's totally understandable and you cannot fault them for it.  Appearance can go a long way.  It'll make people take you seriously.

Speaking of your script, I think you have a great idea here.  I just don't think you're doing much with it.  I got 40 pages before I said enough.  That's because reading 40 pages of nothing happening can be pretty boring.  You have a lot of scenes of people just talking (not a fan of the needless flashbacks, either).  You need to find a way to inject conflict, you need to have characters making tough choices in tough situations, you need to have someone that wants something (a goal) and something that will happen if they don't get it (stakes).  I don't care how it's incorporated, but I can guarantee you I probably would have read the whole script if I actually saw some of that stuff.  In my opinion, if you have a protag who doesn't have a goal then you have no story at all...because nothing is on the line.  If nothing is on the line, who cares?

I suppose your characters are likeable, but they're paper thin.  It felt like Charles was created and based upon all the stereotypical stuff you probably have seen(on TV)/heard about gays.  Johnny was way too relaxed and at ease with Charles and Melissa.  He meets them and right away he's already doing whatever they say or want.  Melissa even dropped by his house unexpected, asked him to go jogging, and he agreed to it without question.  It felt like they needed to get to know each other more before he started paling around with them as if they were old chums their whole life.

Also, another reason why I think your characters came across as paper thin is because your dialogue is too on the nose.  Too stiff.  Too direct.  Too straightforward.  Too frank.  Too robotic.  You get the picture.  Some examples....


Quoted Text


I know, poor thing, we must say
something to her, she was dressed
like that the whole semester


Try:

I know, man, we gotta show her how to dress.

Not the best, but at least it doesn't sound like a robot spoke the line:  We must say something to her.



Quoted Text
ANDREW
Exactly, and I was wondering if you
could help me pass it

CHARLES
You want me to tutor you

ANDREW
Yes

CHARLES
You realize you're asking me to
give away my summer to help you

ANDREW
Please, Charles, I'll make it up to
you, besides it would be just and
hour per day



Quoted Text
ERICK
I wanted to talk to you about
something

MELISSA
(nervous)
Yeah sure

ERICK
I'm graduating this summer from
high school
(pause)
I feel like I'm closing a chapter
of my life

MELISSA
Yeah I know, aren't you nervous?

ERICK
I'm not finish

MELISSA
Sorry

ERICK
I think that we're over too

MELISSA'S smile disappears from her face.

MELISSA
What do you mean?

ERICK
I'm sorry


Again, it's so too the point and lifeless, it feels like you're writing about robots instead of real flesh and blood people.  My advice:  if you aren't good at dialogue, write action instead.  Show don't tell.  Most of the time, action speaks louder than words any day, plus it'll hide your inability for it (dialogue).  I do it all the time.  You wouldn't be alone.

Last thing I want to talk about is a positive thing.  You really got my attention with that one flashback where Melissa's ex-boyfriend Erick made a move on Charles after Melissa left the room, revealing that he (Erick) was a closet homosexual.  That was unexpected and surprising.  Unexpected and surprising is good.  The only problem was that there wasn't enough of this.  You need more stuff like this, I'd say, about every 10-15 pages.  I would suggest bumping this plot point up earlier into the story.

I would also suggest maybe taking the turn for a dark comedy instead of a regular comedy?  The first 40 that I read came across as too "light" and "soft," and then that flashback happened, and it felt like Chasing Johnny could have been different...and so much more.  There is so much potential here (I'm already coming up with some cool ideas, but I won't go too in detail unless you show up, interested).  You could have a great story rife with conflict and great characters, but I would recommend a page 1 rewrite, though - and a new title.

More than happy to check out the next draft.

Best of luck with this.
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