Shady Guys by Mark Ndlovu - Short, Action, Drama - A successful heist goes wrong after one of the members decides to let out their true colors. 20 pages - pdf, format

Hey Mark,

I thought I'd give this a whirl as no-one's commented.

The logline is a bit weird, if a successful heist goes wrong it implies the heist is not successful!

You wrote and directed this? Has it been produced?

But OK, on with the script:

The rule of thumb is show don't tell. You tell us the two men look like they've been waiting for a long time but you should just be showing us. Elements like bags under their eyes, stubble, empty coffee cups etc. These show us they have been there a long time without telling.

Rob is really crude, some may chuckle and carry on reading but some may throw the script at this point. Be careful with your opening line - you want to grab the attention of the audience but not the wrong type of attention.

Parentheticals don't start with a capital letter. They are also used sparingly for when it's not obvious how the actor is delivering the lines. Sarcastically agreeing, Sarcastically realizing; this is way too much direction. Your dialogue and action should tell the reader exactly how the dialogue should be delivered in most instances. If not, there's problems with your script.

You have grammatical errors on the first two pages. None of what I've seen so far urges me to go to page 3 I'm afraid so sorry but I'm leaving it there. Hopefully you've got some idea of the areas to start working on. Give it a re-write and you may get more reads.

All the best.

Mark

This is a tough script to follow. There's just too much going on and there is so little character development that the motivations of the characters are very ambiguous.
This is mostly dialogue, you need to describe the setting and the characters to create an image in the readers mind.

I know you worked hard on this so keep up the good work.

I had problems with this script.  The characters all seemed to be slightly different versions of each other.  No one really stuck out.  You need to work on dialog and mannerisms to make the characters three-dimensional.

This could be tightened up in a big big way.  I'm talking about cutting it in half.  The conversation between Graham and Rob could be cut at the halfway point.  The second half isn't needed.  It's just a bunch of exposition.

Another example:

Quoted Text Two men sit in a car looking as though they’ve been waiting for a long time. The men are GRAHAM, laid back, smoking a cigarette and ROB, in the drivers seat, looking slightly more curious.

could be trimmed to:

Quoted Text ROB sits behind the wheel, eyes racing around him. GRAHAM sits  with his head casually against the headrest, and takes a drag off his cigarette.

I just shortened your script by one line.  See if you can do this with other blocks of description.  Try to limit yourself to three lines.


Phil

This script is, pretty much, a bunch of talking heads.  It's like a first draft of Reservior Dogs.  With RD, the dialog and banter between the characters moves the story along.  Your dialog just slowed things down.

I thought the haul from the bank was unrealistic.  Fifty million pounds?  Do banks in the UK actually have that much lying around in their vaults?  This is just one of those little things that takes people out of the story and reminds them that they're reading a script

Hi everyone. Thankyou for the helpful feedback.

I am actually a 15 year old screenwriter and aspiring director. I wrote my first decent screenplay in January after I had been writing all of 2013( Writing very bad screenplays) and as most people say you only get better if you keep writing and learning. Which is what i did. When i read my old scripts i cringe.

In January i wrote my first decent Drama short which was then optioned in canada with a budget of 3000 CAD. I was so happy! But then i thought perhaps it was beginners luck.

Only a few moths ago my second screenplay, an action/ adventure/ thriller, was optioned in Chicago after multiple requests from various producers. This is when i realised perhaps i have a gift.

I wrote this script with the intent on making it with friends. Which i am doing in a few weeks time. The script you all have read is the first draft and has since been simplified slightly and dialogue has been altered.

I hope to make films for the rest of my life and hopefully for a living. I always take the feedback i get from simplyscripts and adapt it to my work.

Mark.