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  Author    Momma's Boy  (currently 7086 views)
Don
Posted: October 17th, 2014, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Momma's Boy by Dustin Bowcott - Horror - A devout Christian fights to prevent being sectioned under the mental health act and separated from her resurrected son. 85 pages - pdf, format


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bert  -  October 22nd, 2014, 6:37am
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 18th, 2014, 1:42am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for listing this, mate.

As usual, I wrote the logline on the fly. Completely forgetting all about needing one until it came time to upload it. I've given it some more thought and I think this one is a little better:

A devout Christian fights to prevent being sectioned under the mental health act and separated from her resurrected son.
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the goose
Posted: October 18th, 2014, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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- Spoilers in -

I had a bit of a read of this just now, definitely very British - almost seemed like something that would be serialised and maybe shown as a couple of episodes.

As for the logline I preferred the first one, but that's just my two cents...

I got the idea of Angela's character - the crazy Christian who is somewhat kept at bay by the drugs Luke makes her take, and I think she made for a very engaging character although, ultimately, not one that I felt myself rooting for.

I was a little confused as to how the child got reanimated, or perhaps it'll turn to just be 'in her head' - as I got through about 30 pages or so I hadn't found out just yet.

There are a few spelling mistakes and errors here, but nothing a proof-read wouldn't pick out. A few 'unfilmables' as well, but these aren't things that I personally have an issue with.

I got about as far as the little dog being eaten and, as much as I like horror, decided that my Saturday afternoon may not benefit any further from reading about dogs getting eaten - but hey, I have a standing order with the Dog's Trust so I guess we all have our weaknesses.

But from what I read it was good, maybe a little more on the drama side of horror than what I'd normally like but it would be neatly tied down for someone to pick up as a low-budget piece.

I always look for a favourite character when watching a film/reading a script - and I couldn't find one from here so far. Maybe Claude John could develop into being that, I'm not sure.


"We don't make movies for critics, since they don't pay to see them anyhow."

-- Charles Bronson.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 18th, 2014, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from the goose


I had a bit of a read of this just now, definitely very British - almost seemed like something that would be serialised and maybe shown as a couple of episodes.

As for the logline I preferred the first one, but that's just my two cents...


I don't like either of them. Yes it has been written for a British audience.


Quoted from the goose

I got the idea of Angela's character - the crazy Christian who is somewhat kept at bay by the drugs Luke makes her take, and I think she made for a very engaging character although, ultimately, not one that I felt myself rooting for.


I'm not a writer that believes a character needs to be 'rooted for', they simply need to be engaging. So I have achieved what I set out to do.


Quoted from the goose

I was a little confused as to how the child got reanimated, or perhaps it'll turn to just be 'in her head' - as I got through about 30 pages or so I hadn't found out just yet.


Did you read the part where she prayed?


Quoted from the goose

I got about as far as the little dog being eaten and, as much as I like horror, decided that my Saturday afternoon may not benefit any further from reading about dogs getting eaten - but hey, I have a standing order with the Dog's Trust so I guess we all have our weaknesses.


I love animals too, yet I eat meat and this is a work of fiction. I assure you, no animals were harmed in the writing of this screenplay.


Quoted from the goose

But from what I read it was good, maybe a little more on the drama side of horror than what I'd normally like but it would be neatly tied down for someone to pick up as a low-budget piece.


The horror ramps up just after the part you bottled out. The drama is there, and I know this is a little out there for a horror, because of something called plot.


Quoted from the goose
I always look for a favourite character when watching a film/reading a script - and I couldn't find one from here so far. Maybe Claude John could develop into being that, I'm not sure.


Favourite character seems very ambiguous to me. A character would be a favourite just by the process of elimination, so I must take from that that you feel all of the characters are the same and therefore as equally engaging. Thanks for the compliment.

You're wrong about Claude John by the way. I doubt he'd be a favourite either, but you never know. There are a few twists and turns in this story.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 20th, 2014, 6:56am Report to Moderator
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:)

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I've been meaning to read this and give my thoughts. Just a lot of stuff getting in the way right now.

I assure you though, it will be read!


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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 20th, 2014, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks mate. I'm sure this script will be up your street. Any time you need a read on a feature let me know.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 20th, 2014, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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I'm loving the feeling from the start. Something not right with Angela and the weird religious-ness to the house. Nice creepy feel. Not to mention the something going on between Luke and Rahab..

Just on page 4... Oh, they're CRAZY religious!

"Angela notes with disapproval that another button is undone
on Rahab’s blouse."
Got a laugh out of that.

Up to page 8 and so far, I really don't know what's up with Angela. She's super religious and very possessive of her child but obviously there's something else and it really is building up nicely.

Page 9... Definitely should have seen that coming, Rahab and Luke that is, but I didn't.

"LUKE
You thank God for an orgasm?
ANGELA
I thank God for yours."
Again, gave me a chuckle.

Pg.19 and 20 you have 2 separate slugs, one with MANSION and one with MOTHER-IN-LAW'S HOUSE but they are the same place I think. Should they not be written as one and stay that way?

Pg.24.. "LUKE
Seems a bit of much."
Should be "seems a bit much"?

Pg. 25.. Wow, Luke is such a prick. Really dislike the guy. Good character writing though. Asshole.

Pg.27.. And by god, does he like having sex!! ha

Pg.28.. And coke!!

I'm just on page 30 and Claude has just entered Momma's house. I'm gonna stop here for tonight, but I'll read more tomorrow.

Really interesting story and easy to read. It has a good eerie feel to it and I could definitely see myself watching this one (better than most of the crap they call horror these days that makes it onto the screen)

Also, at the beginning, I just couldn't get into Angela and I liked Luke. Now, at page 30, I despise that prick and am rooting for Angela. Really good characters.

I'm not sure where this one is heading. And that's a good thing. Like what's up with Luke and Rahab killing Vera? and what's going on with the white powder? and the light shining on Angela from the sky? All really intriguing stuff.

I'll read more tomorrow and follow this up. I look forward to it,

Glenn.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 21st, 2014, 1:16am Report to Moderator
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Cheers mate. The MANSION thing is a mistake, although she is supposed to be quite well off.

As far as everything that is going on, I really wanted to bring plot into the horror. Rather than just having people running around getting sliced up.

I love Hitchcock and the Hammer horror films so I'm pulling from those in terms of pacing etc, and the horror does ramp up later on.
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DS
Posted: October 21st, 2014, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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Took a quick look, looks interesting. I'll get to this in a few days, bit pre-occupied at the moment and I need to get started on the OWC as well.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 21st, 2014, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks mate, if you need the favour returned just let me know. You should be prepared though as this script will have a very British feel.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 21st, 2014, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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Well, just finished reading this. Very enjoyable. You weren't lying when you said this would be up my street. I must be a sick freak! Ha.

I said, in my last post, that I wasn't sure where this was going. One thing's for sure, I didn't think it was going where it went. The last 30 or so pages were so unbelievably crazy. At times I couldn't believe what I was reading. Which is a good thing by the way.

Claude and Luke together was mental. The creepy B&B with the shady business on the side was mental. And Angela and Elijah were mental. All beautifully dark storylines with a dash of cool. Great writing.

Also, I loved the ending. She really will do anything for this kid and God (who are probably the same person here). Could even get a sequel going?

One thing I didn't quite get. Not a criticism but I'd like to know. What is up with Luke towards the end with the prostitute? And did he just let her go?

Overall, it was brilliant. Great characters and great story. So easy to read. I'd love to see this on the screen.

Oh, and as for this being very British, I didn't think it was. I don't know if it's because I'm Irish and have watched British productions all my life but I don't see this as being over the top British. It'd be easy to read no matter where you're from.

Anyway, best of luck with this and I genuinely mean that.

Glenn


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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 22nd, 2014, 3:07am Report to Moderator
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Glad you enjoyed it and found it different. That was my aim. I'm pitching this as an old meets new horror.

It does need another going over and things clarified. I'm writing a couple of other things (the OWC and an Xmas feature) before going back to this. I'd like to make this myself, but as you say some things will need to be clarified first. Although I may try and sell it. I can't make everything. I'm holding back all my low budget scripts at the moment.

I was a little worried about the B&B thing as I felt the tone may have changed too much.

With Luke and the prostitute he does kill her, but I'm not sure if this is too much. I just had to make him deserving of death. It's that rulebook thing, the people that she kills in the very least have to be deserving of death. That way it's easier to stick with the main character and maybe even sympathise to some degree, despite her being deranged.

Thanks for the kind words mate. I can't wait to get stuck back into this and clean it up.
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DS
Posted: October 23rd, 2014, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Pulled a bit of a late nighter and finished this.


Quoted from Dustin
You should be prepared though as this script will have a very British feel.


Not a problem, I'd say I have a fair enough knowledge of British English. Anything I don't grasp, I can google. I do recall a thread where I brought out that "don't go, soft lad" was a typo of "don't go soft, lad". Seemed so certain I didn't bother to look it up. I think the entire post was rather shoddy. I recall you posting a reply about "Americans not getting it" and especially bringing that one out. English is actually my second language and I've never resided in an English speaking country so I'm unsure whether a heavily British or a heavily American feel script would be more challenging to me. Would be quite curious to know what you meant with the comment.

Anyways on to my thoughts:

The logline indicates that Angela fights against being sectioned in the script, it's too small of a theme in the script for the logline. I saw you hinted that you were displeased with it above yourself. Here's something I thought of - perhaps it'll be of some use to you:


Quoted Text
A mentally unstable devout Christian struggles with social services and the repercussions of his son being resurrected while interested parties pry over her family's wealth.


There are a lot of unanswered questions regarding Claude John:

He's going through the crime scene at the middle of the night, alone. From his actions it looks like as if it's his first time at the crime scene. Shortly at the same night he's in front of the motel Luke & Rahab are at. We don't know when or how he got involved with the case or how he's so hot on Rahab & Luke's trail or how he actually found out about the murder. It's never mentioned at any part of the script. Far too convinient.

P30: The scene where Vera's body is for some reason in the middle of the living room feels like a suspension of disbelief. It would decay. Would the body be handed over to anything/anyone that wasnt a funeral parlor? Not sure. It does carry importance in Claude John's scenes so why not have him first appear at the mortuary and perhaps be forced to come around the house later due to Angela's unwillingness to answer questions at the time?

P33: Why did Claude John come over? He already knew about Luke & Rahab (at least the relationship at this point, it's not specified). He didn't say anything that wasn't an answer to a question. The only proper thing that could possibly be case-related was an answer to Luke's questions. Even if he just came to flash his credentials and ego it seems underdeveloped. He should at least be talking about what is now an answer to Luke's question on his own accord.

P43: Maybe I'm daft, but I'm missing what exactly Rahab wants to take pictures of? Is she going to generate the bruises? I don't see what she'd know considering Luke hasn't even seen the kid and she wouldn't have a clue of Angela packing up. The conversation isn't much of a hint. Why she's going in there the middle of the night is beyond me.

P50: Why are they going inside the hotel room to continue the chat? Doesn't make much sense. You could do all the necessary bit outside and end with them going in the hotel room after Claude John's threatened him and forced him to have sex.

P63: Claude puts a hammer in the evidence bag before the forensics get there while being oblivious to ever being there afterwards. Don't think he should be tampering with the crime scene. It would also give Claude a smarter impression if he had Luke call the police.

P65: For a script that does well to avoid cliche characters, the cliche one-note antagonist with the traditional "comedically bad english" doesn't work well imo.

P69: Feels like a stretch that Angela would still be there after seeing collected brains. I know you're going for the unique angle of the brain here, but wouldn't it be better if she instead took human kidneys for pig kidneys or something? If I recall correctly the kid could eat flesh/other organs?

P71: I feel as Luke's character which was very well fleshed out to this point and the enjoyability of the script took a beating with this scene and I think I wouldn't be the only one to think so. He worked well as what he was earlier in the script, he may have not been down right evil, but the transformation to a manical torturer is just OTT. It takes away most of his previous character traits. There's enough ruthless manical characters already.

P73: The rape seems OTT too, especially with the masturbation. Doesn't seem like much more than a shock effect, right between the violent prostitute scene too. Probably risks the integrity of the script towards a violent porn exploitation. I'd stick to Deepak just trying to stop her from going down there, perhaps having to end up attempting to kill her.

P74: Why did the Chinese come all guns blazing during the night? Makes no sense. Chan still needed the kid's brain and promised to come tomorrow. He would only be ruining his own business.

P81: How does Angela know Claude John was working with Luke?

P82: How Luke reveals his plans like that is really abrupt. He shouldn't even be clear Angela knows anything.

Overall: Good unique premise, I feel like you captured the atmosphere well, plenty of rather disturbing out there moments in the script.

Angela, Claude John, Luke, Rahab, Elijah and Danny were all characters I thought you did a good job with. Luke was great up until to the prostitute torturing scene. Angela was the most interesting and the dialogue between him and Luke had some of the best stand-out moments. Nice touch with Rahab's name. Good intervining transition from one storyline to the other with Danny.

I also quite liked Maureen. Deepak and Chan were weak and one-note as characters. Important story-wise, but poor as characters. However, I didn't feel like Deepak needed to be much more than a character for moving the plot along, what I didn't like was the rape and his action hero-like quiet walk towards Claude John.

Pages 71+ felt rushed.

Hope my thoughts were of some help to you. Good luck with future drafts, Dustin.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 24th, 2014, 2:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DS
Pulled a bit of a late nighter and finished this.


Cheers mate, I think that may be the reason you missed one or two things.



Quoted from DS

Not a problem, I'd say I have a fair enough knowledge of British English. Anything I don't grasp, I can google. I do recall a thread where I brought out that "don't go, soft lad" was a typo of "don't go soft, lad". Seemed so certain I didn't bother to look it up. I think the entire post was rather shoddy. I recall you posting a reply about "Americans not getting it" and especially bringing that one out. English is actually my second language and I've never resided in an English speaking country so I'm unsure whether a heavily British or a heavily American feel script would be more challenging to me. Would be quite curious to know what you meant with the comment.


I can't believe English is your second language. That's insane. You're really good. I tried learning French once but lost interest.

I couldn't actually write a full on US drama. No matter how good it was it would need to be edited as I'd be bound to have some Britishisms in there. I can get away with the odd feature... but if I really had to get involved with the lives of the characters, I think I'd fail to a certain degree and an editor would be needed. I don't know any US soaps... but I couldn't write an episode of Friends, aside from throwing up really, really badly, I'm just not up on US popular culture. I could hit in broad strokes but I'd miss the finer details. Same as if an American tried to write an episode of Eastenders... actually, I'd probably watch that episode.


Quoted from DS

The logline indicates that Angela fights against being sectioned in the script, it's too small of a theme in the script for the logline. I saw you hinted that you were displeased with it above yourself. Here's something I thought of - perhaps it'll be of some use to you:


Yeah it's OK, there would be two 'her' in it, which I hate. I hate repeating words in a single sentence. If I can help it. IT's definitely something that needs work. It does need more... but I think simply mentioning resurrected son in the log is enough of a theme, as that is what the script centres around.


Quoted from DS

He's going through the crime scene at the middle of the night, alone. From his actions it looks like as if it's his first time at the crime scene. Shortly at the same night he's in front of the motel Luke & Rahab are at. We don't know when or how he got involved with the case or how he's so hot on Rahab & Luke's trail or how he actually found out about the murder. It's never mentioned at any part of the script. Far too convinient.


I don't believe it is convenient. He's a murder detective, Luke is Angela's husband. I honestly don't feel this story needs to delve into that area, we don't need to see how he finds out as this isn't a detective story. It's not about him or his motivations. I believe he just being a detective is enough.... detectives investigate. I don't feel it is necessary to fully show that.


Quoted from DS
P30: The scene where Vera's body is for some reason in the middle of the living room feels like a suspension of disbelief. It would decay. Would the body be handed over to anything/anyone that wasnt a funeral parlor? Not sure. It does carry importance in Claude John's scenes so why not have him first appear at the mortuary and perhaps be forced to come around the house later due to Angela's unwillingness to answer questions at the time?


There was definitely a mortuary scene... Angela prays over her mother's body while Luke goes outside for a smoke. The body in the living room is fully embalmed... we don't need to see that either.


Quoted from DS

P33: Why did Claude John come over? He already knew about Luke & Rahab (at least the relationship at this point, it's not specified). He didn't say anything that wasn't an answer to a question. The only proper thing that could possibly be case-related was an answer to Luke's questions. Even if he just came to flash his credentials and ego it seems underdeveloped. He should at least be talking about what is now an answer to Luke's question on his own accord.


He's a detective... and it isn't exactly a murder. She died of a heart attack. He can't prove anyone actually hurt her, so it's not actually a murder investigation, it's a cop checking out the couple that have just lost a family member. He's suspicious but he can't ask questions about a murder investigation when there isn't a murder. He came round to check them out, make them aware of his presence, unnerve them... which he did. It worked. Luke was very unnerved. The exchange was deliberate.


Quoted from DS
P43: Maybe I'm daft, but I'm missing what exactly Rahab wants to take pictures of? Is she going to generate the bruises? I don't see what she'd know considering Luke hasn't even seen the kid and she wouldn't have a clue of Angela packing up. The conversation isn't much of a hint. Why she's going in there the middle of the night is beyond me.


Rahab is trying to have Angela sectioned to a mental health institute. To do that she needs evidence that Angela isn't taking care of herself and her son properly, that could be bruising, or the house being a mess, etc, etc. I thought it was pretty clear from the context, but I'll look into it again to make sure.


Quoted from DS

P50: Why are they going inside the hotel room to continue the chat? Doesn't make much sense. You could do all the necessary bit outside and end with them going in the hotel room after Claude John's threatened him and forced him to have sex.


That's what people do when they want to talk privately. Obviously he saying let's talk in the hotel room means they're going to talk about something private. They can't talk about that sort of thing on the street. Maybe, they do wherever you come from... but here, when we have private things to say to each other we find a private place to do it.

You honestly expect Claude to reveal all of his motivations out on the street, then blackmail him and then they go into the hotel room?



Quoted from DS
P63: Claude puts a hammer in the evidence bag before the forensics get there while being oblivious to ever being there afterwards. Don't think he should be tampering with the crime scene. It would also give Claude a smarter impression if he had Luke call the police.


Claude would have every reason to be at the house... but I think you're right on both counts here. Thank you. This is something I can improve.


Quoted from DS
P65: For a script that does well to avoid cliche characters, the cliche one-note antagonist with the traditional "comedically bad english" doesn't work well imo.[/qiote]

Yeah, I'll take this one on the chin too. Reading it back now, I see what you mean. But if I was filming it, that's how the actor would speak. He's Chinese... they do speak with bad engrish. I could have gone further.

[quote=MarkoMalling]P69: Feels like a stretch that Angela would still be there after seeing collected brains. I know you're going for the unique angle of the brain here, but wouldn't it be better if she instead took human kidneys for pig kidneys or something? If I recall correctly the kid could eat flesh/other organs?


No, he's a zombie, he's only ever ate brain throughout. I'll have to double check now but that's how I wanted the story to work, the character would only eat brain. Maybe I slipped up somewhere and forgot how I wanted this story to go... but I'm pretty sure I only ever wanted the kid to eat brain and that's all he's ever eaten... aside from when he was alive.


Quoted from DS
P71: I feel as Luke's character which was very well fleshed out to this point and the enjoyability of the script took a beating with this scene and I think I wouldn't be the only one to think so. He worked well as what he was earlier in the script, he may have not been down right evil, but the transformation to a manical torturer is just OTT. It takes away most of his previous character traits. There's enough ruthless manical characters already.


I agree.


Quoted from DS
P73: The rape seems OTT too, especially with the masturbation. Doesn't seem like much more than a shock effect, right between the violent prostitute scene too. Probably risks the integrity of the script towards a violent porn exploitation. I'd stick to Deepak just trying to stop her from going down there, perhaps having to end up attempting to kill her.


I'm not sure about the whole B and B thing altogether... but within the grand scheme of things, if it is to be kept within the plot then I think the scene you're talking about is in keeping with the integrity of the script.


Quoted from DS
P74: Why did the Chinese come all guns blazing during the night? Makes no sense. Chan still needed the kid's brain and promised to come tomorrow. He would only be ruining his own business.


He sells body parts, kills a load of people, he gets all the parts. It's all money. I'm pretty sure you must see the logic in a body parts salesman wanting to kill a load of people?


Quoted from DS
P81: How does Angela know Claude John was working with Luke?


She's an intelligent woman.


Quoted from DS
P82: How Luke reveals his plans like that is really abrupt. He shouldn't even be clear Angela knows anything.


I don't know what you mean. This is the end of the film. As far as he is concerned, it's over, she is going to jail or a mental institute... he will gain control of the mother-in-law's inheritance.


Quoted from DS

Overall: Good unique premise, I feel like you captured the atmosphere well, plenty of rather disturbing out there moments in the script.


Thanks. Unique was what I was aiming for. I did a lot of research into horror films before I started writing.


Quoted from DS
Angela, Claude John, Luke, Rahab, Elijah and Danny were all characters I thought you did a good job with. Luke was great up until to the prostitute torturing scene. Angela was the most interesting and the dialogue between him and Luke had some of the best stand-out moments. Nice touch with Rahab's name. Good intervining transition from one storyline to the other with Danny.


I agree. I feel I went too far with his character too. As I said earlier, I did it to make him deserving of death, but the fact that he's a total c*** is enough.


Quoted from DS
I also quite liked Maureen. Deepak and Chan were weak and one-note as characters. Important story-wise, but poor as characters. However, I didn't feel like Deepak needed to be much more than a character for moving the plot along, what I didn't like was the rape and his action hero-like quiet walk towards Claude John.


I'll look into that. As I may kill all of those characters altogether, or intro them in a different way. I may try and keep most of the story at the house. I feel the tone of the story is messed with too much with the inclusion of the B and B.


Quoted from DS
Pages 71+ felt rushed.


I was kinda rushing towards the end, so I'll have to have a look at that. It could be because as I was writing, I really wasn't happy with the B and B.


Quoted from DS
Hope my thoughts were of some help to you. Good luck with future drafts, Dustin.



I feel you hit all the weak points of the story, including one or two I hadn't considered but there're also bits I don't agree with from a storytelling point of view. A great review all in all and it will definitely help when it comes to the rewrite.

Thanks a lot. If you need a return read just point me to the script.
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ChristinaW
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Very scary! I love it that all the characters are despicable in different ways. Just when one gains my sympathy, they turn around and behave horribly. I think that's fantastic. Not the usual hum-drum, predictable dribble I'd been reading lately (-not anything from this site-).
I didn't quite understand why Luke kills the prostitute, but I was reading quickly and may have missed something.
All in all, it was a really fun read & I'm looking forward to seeing more of your stuff.
Sorry this comment is so brief--if I had more time, I'd go into more detail. -Just wanted to say how much I liked it.

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