Impropriety by Richard Layman - Short, Horror - A deaf, dumb and blind man, reveals his true motivations to a nurse on Halloween night. (R ) - pdf, format

Karma based horror with sins of the flesh.

An intriguing character leads the way. This short focuses on inner demons rather than otherwordly inhabitants. A lot of gore makes this not one for the squeamish.

I feel like the one speaker here should have been the nurse, Annie. It might be more natural. I felt like the priest would have talked, like allow me to help, unless he recognized David. The environment he's in begs for people to talk. Like the prostitute or jokers on the street. Different note... loved the transition between horror of sexual attack and headbanging (trying to be spoiler free with last bit). That was just a strong segue, visually and emotionally.

Bodyparts returning from limbo to haunt the person is an inventive concept though. For sure. He can't stop himself. That's the scary stuff here.  The multi coloured lights were creative too. Good twists too. The basement. The return of the dead.

I was expecting David to watch sunrise before he lost sight, only to have a nightmarish victim from his past return at the last second the portal is open. I would like to know more about how the portal activated,  but I suppose that's part of the mystery. I love the notion that karma opens it so he can be haunted by his past. You can't just cut out your past and be done with it.

Gore. Hauntings. And lights dripping eyeballs. A dose of batshit crazy  in the horror. ** (out of 5)

*spoilers*

The opening sequence with that chick twerking was visually humorous, yet it does wonders for David's character. I felt sorry for him. That's why the twist is so effective. Also, adding another layer on top of that - David retrains himself by self-mutilation - only to be tormented by its regeneration. Not only is that disturbing, it's downright biblical.

I enjoyed it, even when the supernatural visuals got a bit unclear, the flashback and ending helped tie it together. Good writing too.

A horror that fits the challenge! Well done.

Really interesting main character with a very interesting conflict.

I felt slightly cheated that it didn't go on for longer, mainly because of the above. Just when it got really, really interesting it ended.

Anyway, good job.

Yep... does it for me. Hit all the right notes, well written. Nice job.

This was interesting. I quite like the style and atmosphere. A tongue firmly implanted in the writer's cheek, I think. The character descriptions are a bit too minimal for me.

A couple of pages in though, I find I'm still waiting for the horror fantasy thing to start. Still, early days.

Things certainly perked up on page 3. Lot of imaginative writing going on. However, I'm a bit lost as to what it means exactly.

Ooh. Well, that was grim. But that's what it's all about.

Not bad at all.

It'll get comparisions to Jeepers Creepers. But never mind.

R

I like this.

It's a strange little story and I don't feel like I know exactly what went on.

But the writing is good and it's weird and kinda depressing, which I like. Ha.

Well done

Lots of great imagery and competent writing on display. As with another one I read earlier I enjoyed the first part of this better than the second.

Decent mix of horror and fantasy but I'll admit to being a little lost in the second half. You did a fine job btw depicting the relationship between Annie and David - his dependency on her, him breathing in her scent etc. Very nice.

Of 4 scripts, this is easily the best.

Writing is OK, but a bit sterile and in many places, extra words do nothing but take up space.  Adding in the very short scenes and no dialogue, and this 5 page script is really probably only 4 or so pages.

But, it's fairly effective.  I just wish some things were made more clear - and I'm talking about who each character is, other than David - using costume names for characters doesn't work for me, because I have no idea how old they are or anything about them as a person.

I'm not sure about the portal thing either - yeah, sure there was a portal, but did anything really go in or come out?  Kind of, I guess.

Biggest issue I had here is the length - this so easily could have been another 2, 3, even 4 pages longer, and in this case, it would have helped.

It's pretty good, though.  Easily the leader in my book, and I'll actually say overall, I liked it.  

Hello richard...

logline...deaf, dumb and blind - i thought someone would go down this route. ill be interested to see how you pull this off. lets see..

thats was tortured stuff
a vampire i suppose - dracula being the forewarning - thats tries to stop himself, but is cursed to remain.

with a only a few pages i suppose we are going to be left short changed, ands a bit how i feel. why not more?

the connection with the sphere and return of his tongue just feel a little out of the blue in such length. but...with more pages this take could give the old myth a personal dynamic and tragedy

why frankenstein on the laptop, or why the laptop etc?

otherwise, quite effective and with good potential

When I reached a hooker wiggling her tits at him I thought it was a pisser.

Then again I thought it was a pisser when he caught his tongue and put it back in his mouth. Not that I didn't enjoy that part - it was quite funny.

THe first part kind of stretched a bit longer for my tastes. I think the meat of the story is the second part.

You have a hooker, a drug dealer and others - this is all just to describe the surroundings. You could do with a couple of descriptive words to let us know about the place I think.

I don't think I liked this one.  I would have to read it again to be sure.  If anything, following the only-one-person-can-have-dialog rule ruined it more me.

All the rules for the OWC were here:  horror, fantasy, that dialog thing.  I liked your descriptions of things; you're storytelling was good.  It just didn't work well for me.

I wish I could say more.


Phil

This one was a strange little story for me. Severed tongues, floating eyeballs just plain creeeeepy! I felt like some of the scenes were over played out. Like it was clear early on how dependent he was of Annie. Also why Dracula on the ladder? Frankenstein on the laptop? I am guessing it was your way of showing the portal or whatever happened with the light happened near Halloween? Why did he kill? Because people dressed in costume? I was a bit confused.

Good writing, easy to read, and it fits the challenge. I'll remember this one, how can anyone forget those eyeballs and that tongue..I liked this.

He killed because he's a sexual deviant killer who had previously ripped his own eyes and tongue out to stop himself.

Was clear to me...and was a lovely little story.

Well written, kudos.  I did have some problems with this one.

You develop such a great empathy for the character in the first few pages.  How helpless he is.  How ostracized and separated from society he is.  The touches where he attempts to physically connect with Annie the nurse making it all the more touching.

Then the flashback.  Which, for me, was far too over the top.  Unless he's supernatural in some way (that you don't establish), there's no way a serial killer's going to be able to nail his own tongue to the table.***  Or continue to gouge out his own body parts after he does that amount of damage with the first few.  That- honestly - strained my disbelief and took me out of the story.  Also, the portal has no explanation... adding one that's organic to the story in some way (if that's possible) would be an enhancement. And the bodies were still in his basement?  How long ago did he multilate himself, and the police never found anything?

All that aside, this was obviously written by someone who CAN write.  And that itself is always a nice thing to read. But this one... wasn't right for me....

Cheers,

--J (W)

** Not unless your name is Gene Simmons.