Justice at Sundown by Betsy Ross - Short, Horror - A man wakes up, tied to a chair in a greenhouse on Halloween. With only a strange man to keep him company and even stranger things happening outside. (NC17) - pdf, format

Code OVER BLACK The sound of duct tape being unraveled and torn. FADE IN:

I'm really big on utilising sound in film. We all know that sound and it could mean almost anything... nice intro, IMO.

Code A photograph is held against a sheet of glass and secured to it with a single piece of tape. It’s a picture of two women, early twenties, a huge smile on each of their faces. They wear academic gowns and hats.

Ah, but right away I notice some novice errors. I don't mean that to sound insulting, which is why I selected novice over amateur. At the same time I don't want to spoil things with a technical review, so I'll read straight through your story.

Code Colin studies the article. The title reads ‘Suspected “Stitch and Hitch Killer” Walks Free’.

Very clever.

Could ofs aside, I feel I have to point this one out as it is in action:

Code Colin slowly turns his head forward.

You don't need to mention every little movement. You could forget he needing to move his head forward and go straight to the next action block and describe what he is seeing.

Code The terror only builds at what he sees next.

This is bad form. Never tell the reader what they should be feeling next.

Weird tale. I get the impression it is written by a new writer. Some work to do in terms of story and technical skill. If you resubmit it as a short after the contest (the prize is a mug) I'll provide a technical review and some story pointers.

This one had a "SAW" vibe to it.  Some decent tension in there. I think if Colin's dialog was beefed up a bit it would have made it more dimensional. He says "you don't have to do this" twice. Why not have him say something else? Give us some insight into who he is.

The revenge part comes in a little late. I think this would be way more suspenseful if it were shortened. Just my opinion.

Creepy entry for this OWC.

This is one of those that the lack of dialogue seems to really show

Not sure why Dennis is kept secret for a while only to be revealled. Didn't seem to serve much of a purpose

He also does walk in and out a few times and the lack of words does jar - this is quite common in this OWC

Halloween seems very low down the criteria in this one and the ability to connect both ways with the other world doesn't seem to play.

The greenhouse was an Unsual setting and I liked it. I had a sense that we were going to see revenge for someone who 'throws stones' - IE don't in a greenhouse. But that didn't seem to follow.

Needs a bit of work but I do like the revenge in a greenhouse route.

I was a bit lost at the start as the writer didn't intro the man until page three. At first I thought they were being clever and we could only see the hands. Sadly, they weren't. They needed to say his face stays off camera, or is hidden from view. That would have done it.

The actual writing does need work, and definitely some pruning, but the basic plot is alright.

R

Favorite title so far I think. And when I open and check page count, you already got a smile on my face. Does anyone else scroll down to see how many pages before they start reading??

Starts off with a Dexter feel to it with the photographs and duct tape(and I"m a Dex fan).

Ok this was an enjoyable story. I think it should be shortened some or at least some of the action descriptions trimmed down. The dialogue could use some work but overall good story.

"A photograph is held against a sheet of glass and secured to
it with a single piece of tape.", the writing feels off, very technical, doesn't flow right, not much of a rule following guy myself but try and avoid 'is', you use it a lot.

Coming back to the writing... It doesn't seem to get better. "The sound of duct tape being unraveled and torn continues." Latter parter redundant... And such. I'll let Jeff or something else handle it.

Cap the man.

Truck? Might've missed it. Did a little search, you put it in there a few times, hmmm. Maybe that's what I mean where the writing begins overshadowing details like these. Or maybe I hit my head earlier in the day and forgot.

Take away Colin's cliche dialogue, "Don't do this" "Please" "I'll do anything". Be original, or say nothing.

Introduce my mate Dennis from the get go. It's awkward so far in.

"Dennis stands in the doorway, a sinister grin
upon his face." I assume he killed his family, so he's probably even crazier if he's smiling. Then again, he's got somebody tied to a chair in a green house...

Page 4, might know who wrote this.

"Colin moves his tongue around in his mouth like he’s picking
the last remains of Christmas dinner from his teeth." lol

Well, that was, ahem, strange. My good mate Colin's a bit of a douche, so don't make him the protagonist, which I don't think was your intention but it came off like it. Dennis ain't too much better either, nothing new to him, maybe if he spoke for the rewrite, it'd work. I'd personally swap the two around, take away all that fat, and most importantly, get to the real story with the horror elements way earlier. It just makes you raise your eyebrow unless the tone is set out from page one. Not for me, I'm afraid.

I liked the ending with Dennis, Juliene and Emily standing in front of Colin, waiting to get him.

I also liked that this was only 6 pages, but I think it felt like more because you shoved in a lot of description. This made it feel like it should have been shorter, but was intentionally added to reach the page length. ??

IMO, maybe you could add a couple of scenes at the start to intro the horror aspect showing a couple of the murders and maybe some newspaper headlines, all without dialogue of course, this just might of spruced things up a bit.

Have to say that I didn't really get how the otherworld opened to the real world or what the balloon with the grinning pumpkin was about, but maybe that's just me.

I also didn't understand why the man kept going out to his truck. It intrigued me at first, but then I never got an answer to it other than to pass time - unless again this is just me. Maybe a reread is in order.

Non the less, with work, this could come together nicely. Good effort.

A couple of suggestions. Feel free to use or discard.

You seem to use 'of' erroneously instead of 'have' - a lot. For example it should be:
I would have loved to have made her watch
'have been erected' etc.

I'd go for 'pot plant' over 'plant pot' jmh.

No need for all those CONT'D's. - you can remove them in your screenwriting software - except of course where dialogue flows onto the next page.

For a moment I thought who's DENNIS?? - then copped on this is the MAN referred to at the top of the script - needs an intro.

STITCH AND HITCH KILLER - has a certain ring to it.

A VAST amount of blood? Bit iffy in my opinion.

A balloon with a grinning pumpkin on glides across the grass.
The line above should be worded better.

A 'grinning pumpkin' ballon glides across the grass would work at a pinch.

pleas
or pleading for his life

You've got a nice, if not totally original feeling script here. You ramped up the tension well and I could picture the visuals easily.  I do think this read more as supernatural horror than horror/fantasy - couldn't really see the fantasy element and I'm not entirely sure where the portal was...

This was enjoyable - especially the first two-thirds. Ending was a little anti-climactic and I was left wondering if you could perhaps come up with something a little less predictable. Like I said though, twas enjoyable.

Quoted from Pale Yellow Does anyone else scroll down to see how many pages before they start reading?

No. In my software I need only look to the top left and it tells me the page count right off.

I like how you turned the tables on us regarding who's the bad guy. The image of stitched-up mouths is frightening (though it seems familiar, for some reason).

The delayed intro of Dennis by name seems awkward.

Not sure why Dennis brings in a  dining table -- just to put the briefcase on? And how did Dennis even get the briefcase? Or am I mixed up. The mind begins to swirl while  reading (and rereading) all these scripts.

The photographs being taped gave Colin a guilty connotation from the start. Very Dexterish. When Dennis was prompted by his watch to hurry, it seemed out of character or tone.

When Dennis gets the bite from Colin, it felt rushed - even when the trajectory was reaching a turning point. Not saying it should be cut, just paced a little off. Also, the balloon at the end wasn't an effective symbol. It had no bearing on story or theme, except meeting the challenge criteria.

The writing was good, it was always clear what was happening. It could use a buff.

I recommend taking some of the elements and building around them so the story can resonate better. Also, the characters could benefit from some quirks. Why a greenhouse setting? It's different, but doesn't use the original setting to affect the story.

A simple story of revenge.

I didn't understand why Collin is scared of what's happening in the very end.

There's a reference to the date at the end, but I'd appreciate more of a tie to the date. This reads like an episode of Dexter, but the ending is more on a fantasy side - I would have liked it more if it was more grounded. It's about a serial killer, so I wish a living revenged him, not the dead that appeared like deux ex machina in this. Or maybe it's just me.

Either way, it's a neat story of revenge. simple and easy to read and understand.

The tension is greatly enhanced by Colin's escalating fear, that works well.  And the ending is well written.  Filmed, the greenhouse setting would be dramatic and eerie.  Good job.

JUSTICE AT SUNDOWN

Hello,

Good job. Most writers want to have as much feedback as possible. Well, I just can say, it works for me. The last picture was very well chosen. If we respect all that as a Halloween story, things happening don't have to be believable in detail. Just a story in the name of the pumpkin.