A Burning Ring of Fire by Name of First Writer - Short, Horror - A tough guy biker must battle demonic forces in order to escape their devious trap.  (R ) - pdf, format

Good setting, strong main character for a horror.  But this never quite fell into place for me.  All the events seemed oddly random, and for an eight page short it felt convoluted, like the writer tried to cram too many horror elements in there.

The classic Woman in White ghost was well done, but once the acolytes and the floating pig and the Zombie Cathy and the Black Dahlia and the Monster Dahlia show up, my interest began drifting into that thick fog.

I think this would have worked better if the biker was somehow connected to the death of Cathy all those years ago and finally had to answer for his sins.

I liked the beginning. A classic set-up, hope it goes somewhere different. A lot of Buzz’s dialogue could be cut though. It’s distracting in places.

I don’t understand why Buzz offers his soul in the middle of all the trippy stuff he’s watching.

Well this went somewhere different, but I have no idea where that was. It was all a bit baffling. Buzz seemed too static for me. He just stood there and watched stuff for the most part. Hooded figures, transforming Cathys and Dahlias. I have no idea what any of it meant.

There were some great visuals in there. I can tell a lot of imagination went into this. I just wish there’d been a more engaging story.

I've got an 'ancient' flip phone and I love it!

Right. Down to the story.

SPOILERS FOLLOW:

He throws the phone away just like that cause he can't get a signal?  
The biker breaks into a run. - This is still Buzz, right?
A levitating pig?!
Of course Dahliia is -super-model gorgeous.
How do you have a low cut Toga? They're usually off one-shoulder.
Zombie Cathy? Hmm, she isn't so pretty.
How does Buzz know the girl's name is C-Cathy? Oh, okay she is the girl who died - but how does he know this is Cathy? I think the connection with the bottle of Jack is a bit flimsy, she could be any girl who's thirsty.

'So, like...Do you
need me to kiss you in order to...I
don’t know...save you?

Has Buzz suddenly morphed into a teenage Californian surfer dude?

Bit of fun, Although I did find myself scanning a bit.
Nice happy ending.

  

I quite liked this one. There's little I can criticise. Only the odd apostrophe out of place. Even I can't put them all in the right place in a short time.

It's as far fetched and preposterous as it gets. But that was kinda the whole point of the challenge.

I could say it should have moved along faster and could do with trimming, but the pacing and length were about right I think. So I won't. Which is rather good. If there's one thing it could do with is revving up in parts and a bit more polish here and there. Much like myself.

R

Title sounds like something that might happen to people after a particularly arduous curry. Logline is a bit wank. I'm bad at them too, so never mind.

Code EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - EVENING A lonely, run down convenient mart...

You had me confused a little here. Do they have convenience marts in the US? Isn't it usually a word associated with market areas or shopping centres? Anyway, that was the first clue that this is a Brit writing as an American.

Code BUZZ, mid-forties with long, grey hair...

Then you did this... grey is UK. Gray is US. So this is a Brit.

This one doesn't have much to hold me to the page. Just a bunch of random stuff happening to a guy that pulls over.

I was first put off by the lady in white thing. It's been done so many times before that I don't find it engaging at all, indeed it puts me off. The writing lacks the type of flow I like and I've found myself skimming.

Everything is so random.

Not one for me.

So, Buss goes to visit his beloved Catherine. They meet and she goes to heaven. All is back to normal after that.

But you have to build up to this. What happened to Catherine? Why she had to come back and embrace Buzz for one last time?

I'm missing drama in this.

Otherwise it's about some biker, and things that happen to him at random, and then he gets to see his deceased wife.

His caracter is careless and goofy - it doesn't fit the story.
It flows well and all but light on the story for me. Beautiful imagery though.

Buzz has some really... Strange dialogue, just seems weak and frankly, idiotic more than anything, especially the amount of times he awkwardly talks to himself and in the manner he does it. I'd like to think it was on purpose but I somehow have a feeling it wasn't intentional.

90% sure I know who wrote this after finishing it. No early notes on the writing, which is always a good sign. I can't really say much here, seems like you wanted to write this kind of story and that's what came out of it. I'm not one to care for unexplained logic in a horror but I think the story would've greatly benefited had we known a gotten a little more attached to the plot, there was something with the white dress going on but it never really expanded. It just feels thin at the moment, almost like it's lacking something. Not a bad effort by all means.

This seems like one of those make-it-up-as-I-go-along things. Characters at the beginning who don't have anything to do with the story. Actions based on whim and whatever else pops into the writer's head. Pointless zombie-ism.

Struck me as funny that the opening "dark ritual" (with the usual red-hooded guys) came across as a southern pig pickin'. I presume this was unintentional, though.

Also, Buzz can't get a cell-phone signal, so he just throws the phone away? Then, after rebuffing the come-hither woman in white, he follows her deep into the woods in hope of finding some "bastards" who have working phones?

I liked the story, all seemed a bit random but it worked for me. I was half expecting him to wake up at the end next to a half eaten bag of shrooms or something.

I don't normally like it when characters speak to themselves but felt it worked here. Good use of the 'only one character can speak' limitation.

I think the best thing by far was how likeable Buzz was. In the logline you refer to him as a 'tough guy biker' though. He didn't come across this way.  When he was in the convenient store I was expecting him to rob the place, not give the kid a tip. Seemed like more of a 'friendly biker' to me.

This was a fast and easy read. It had some hint of Brothers Grim lore, a flaming pentagram, levitating swine, and (my favorite) a reference to the Black Dhalia... which I thought was going to be capitalized on, but...

I guess the 10 foot tall Monster Dhalia with great talons for hands and fangs like daggers that drip with green and slimy saliva; does come off a little spookier than a mutilated woman.

It was actually entertaining enough; I'm just curious why Buzz changed his tune later on down the road. At first he was a wise/ bad ass biker with nothing to lose, and then... they stand, hug and hold hands? OK.

Decent effort for the challenge.

In the sick world of SS we try and work out who the writer is. A clever routine is to pretend you are novice. Are you a novice, first writer, or are you not?

Let's see, I will soon know...maybe...

Ok, here is a genuine guess..

I have read no comments. I haven't read any part of the script...but...I took one glance, and the first para was two lines. that's all. Good sign. Ok, to my guess...this will be ok...now stop waffling and lets see...

JEFF!!! Has to be you... Good line the with irrelevant detail

Now it's a woman in white - JEFF again...

God, if I'm wrong .... It was late...I was drunk.... They are only words etc etc

Mind you it has a, suddenly, not sure Jeff would use that. Am I wrong?

LIKE - the road side grave, nice choice

Maybe too many 'then' for JEFF . I'm back off now...

Ok, I like the memory at a spot. Good idea.

No Halloween. Not interworld portal .

God knows who, I'm probably wrong...

Like the premise.  Who doesn’t like seeing tough guy bikers throw-down against demons?

Was liking this till you threw away the phone.  Why’d you throw away the phone?  Does Buzz not get the concept?  Guessing he must go through a lot of phones…  Problem is it’s unrealistic behavior, simply for sake of plot and now I’m primed to look for other logic flaws…  

Aren’t most bikers pretty handy with their bikes?  I mean, at least have a fiddle around, maybe kick a tyre or two before calling AAA.

How do we know it’s a ghostly hand if it’s invisible?  Could be a very tall ghost with a sick sense of humour…  That Dahlia’s 10 feet tall...

You really started to lose me with the appearance of the Acolytes.  Buzz’s actions just kept on coming across as forced to fit the idea.

Sorry I can’t be more positive on this -- some decent writing but the story lacked any real set-up and pay-off.

No arse ring jokes?

I'm disappointed.

Gave me a laugh, at least.

This is a joy to read.  Buzz is a great character, ideal choice for a story with only one person speaking; he seems used to having one sided conversations with the world that doesn't pay much attention to him but he hasn't given up trying.

And just look at him pulling up weeds near the roadside memorial, great moment.

This script  is skillfully written -- filmed, it could be a Halloween classic.