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I'm not sure if I got why she killed her savior in the end. I'm guessing she was in Hell because she was a murdering bitch in the first place. But anyway... I see a lot of skill in this writing. Once I got the feel of the writing it was a breeze to read. Tense, taut and a couple asides that never distracted. It made me turn the pages, and each action block flowed seamlessly into the next, or into the next slug.
I feel had the writer had more time, smoothed some of the rough edges, this would have been even better. But kudos for a good read in such short time. I liked this one alot!
They hurry through the hollow. Bare branches reach down,
scratch at Jacob. They don’t touch Miriella. It’s as if the
forest wants to lay claim on a fresh soul.
I love this... but it needs to be rewritten to flow better.
This is very, very good.
It could do with an edit or three but this is a good story, very well told, IMO. A recommend from me.
Tongue-in-cheek allegory about a guy trying to reclaim his girlfriend who has left him for another woman? At the end, he "saves" her, but now he's gay?
If that's it, pretty well done. If not, it still is.
Questions: 1. Am I right that the portal was the octopus creature that "consumed" Jacob and the boat? 2. Was her nipple nosy? Just kidding. I assume typo.
A faceless WOMAN walks through the wasteland, past lesbian sex.
'past lesbian sex', hmm. I'm sure some of your audience of men in particular (and some women) would have liked if you'd elaborated on this and shown us a bit of what is actually happening in that scene - also when they try to tempt her.
I think it could be phrased a lot better.
I mean replace that with: 'past heterosexual sex' - and it sounds, hmm well, what do you think?
plus she's 'faceless'? What are we seeing then - like a blank slate?
The fiery RED HEAD undresses her as the BLOND BOMBSHELL kisses up her tummy, pinches then licks her nosy nipple.
This is just too over the top for me. Btw, did you mean 'rosy' nipple?
I'm having a hard time with 'da dialogue' in this too, sorry.
How about making a note at character intro that the character speaks in a certain manner/accent and then do the dialogue normally? Hey, I could be wrong. It's just how I felt reading it.
The descriptions could do with some cutting back - everything just seems laden with extras - extra words, a bit too much novelistic decoration, least for my liking.
But then there's this type of shorthand:
sexy as shit and she knows it),
Tarantino fan, perhaps?
Clothed in only his own blood, This means he's naked and covered in blood doesn't it? I don't think you can be clothed in blood. You're the writer I suppose you can say that if you want, but I thought it odd.
The story itself, though familiar, isn't too bad, it's just not my thing I suppose.
A faceless WOMAN walks through the wasteland, past lesbian sex.
Best. Script. Ever!!!
This line made me laugh as it was so casual in how the lesbian sex was introduced to us.
The big problem with this script is that it didn't build for me. The writer set up the situation, but the stakes were never raised. Jason and Miriella must get back before dawn. Some twists and turns are needed for this to work. Maybe Miriella needed her wedding/engagement ring to cross off and something grabbed it from her at the last minute. The stakes needed to be raised. And they weren't.
When I first started writing in -06, I was told not to use any 'ing words, always write in present tense (at that time, I didn't even know what that was...) I was even told not to even use the word "and". This became so ingrained in me that I'm still afraid to break these rules. I read a lot of scripts. Nowadays, mostly pro scripts. I have seen a trend lately to write more in the style that you have written here. Even the title on the cover is trendy. Some people can pull this style of writing off, others cannot and it just ends up feeling forced. IMHO, I think you're one of those who can. I wish I could write this way, but I can't. I'm still stuck in my no 'ing words and anti "and" world.
Story wise, I read one good OWC yesterday about the exact same thing, but it was rated PG and set in the Victorian era in London. The writer did a great job, but your story is more my speed since it's dark and sinister.
I do agree with LC though that you could descibe the lesbian sex a bit better. Not that you need to go XXX-rated on us, but just saying lesbian sex could be just about anything.
All in all, a very visual (minus the lesbian sex) enjoyable read. Great work! One of my favorites so far. Maybe even the favorite.
The original myth is so profound that it's always going to be hard to get a story to come close to it.
Sadly, this doesn't. There are some interesting visuals, but they never feel anything other than borrowed and the central story lacks tension.
When I read some scripts there are times when I can literally pick where the writer has lifted characters from. Here you have the Horns from Hellboy, the Witch Lady from Pirates of the Caribbean added to the familiar story of Orpheus.
As they say...don't borrow, steal. You have to make things your own a little more.
There's a reasonable tone to it all, and other than the descriptions of the Lesbian sex, it's fairly well-written, but the story is too familiar and it needs more to separate it from similar tales. Plus, we've been told she's evil, so the end comes as little surprise.
I would like to be a bit more complimentary, but I suppose it just didn't work for me. Good luck.
It read quick and easy, despite the lack of dialogue (restrictions noted).
The beginning got me interested and it definitely had an eerie and surreal feel throughout.
My concern is with the story. Jacob goes to hell and back, literally, to rescue the love of his life, Miriella but then ending left me a bit flat. I wanted know why she then killed him, after such an epic escape/survival story.
I'm going to stab at the fact that she is the devil and Jacob is unaware of this. She cuts off her horns to conceal her identity until free from Hell and then sees no point in Jacob, so kills him? I could be way off here though lol.
I did enjoy this script, especially the visual and slightly dark humour. Good effort.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
She killed him because she had cut off her horns. He was warned to leave her there if she'd grown them already. As she'd cut them off he was none the wiser and unfortunately brought a demon back through with him. Typical woman really.
On a creative note, I've learned a new way to combat writers block: lesbians!
The transition during her transformation, then arriving in the world of the living was outstanding. I also dug the description of the flowers and then squashing them.
Not sure why the ending didn't hit me that hard. Maybe because the horns had a clear association with fiery abyss and not the real world. Most readers are not gonna see lesbian sex as a negative consquence, so the horns lacked the punch. Basically, I'm reaching to Miriella for the theme now, so in that regard you've done well.
Page 3 Criteria nitpick. That O.S. is actually V.O. which I don’t think was allowed. But since it’s prelap it shouldn’t matter really. Just cut back sooner.
I enjoyed this a lot. One of my favorites, if not the favorite so far. If I had to nitpick further I’d note that I missed Kora’s horn exposition. I’m not a fan of phonetically spelled accents. I find myself having to decipher individual words at the expense of processing the whole sentence. If you moved the bit about the horns into the V.O. section it might tie stronger to the image and be a bit clearer. But the truth is, I never realized I missed a beat until I read the comments. So maybe you don’t need any dialogue at all.
Writing was tops as well. Overall, some really good work here.
Wow, thre's alot to take in here...alot of great imagery, great descriptions, thick, oozing visuals...and...yes...lesbians.
The writing is from a confident hand, and although I don't necessarily agree with certain aspects of this style - the asides, the use of "we", etc, it works well as written and has a wonderful flow.
The challenge parameters don't get in the way here at all, IMO, and if I didn't know better, I wouldn't have a clue that only character was allowed to speak.
The dialogue, although tough to pull off is again, well done and effective.
Story is powerful IMO, and again, just works.
Bottom line is as I always say, some things just work while most just don't work. This one works, and hits on all cylenders.
The description is partly unfocused concerning characters. A faceless woman becomes Mariella with horns 2 scenes later... then she's named Miriella suddenly...
INT. CAVE
Kora's dialogue is not O.S - it is V.O.
Kora's at another place than Miriella; it must be V.O. if the cave isn't next door to the cabin, so that it could sound into it anyhow...
There's a lot of fantasy inside. Kudos for that. But I have to say that this is literature for me.
Very vivid descriptions. A whole lot of nasty stuff going on in this eternal fiery abyss. Could picture all of it. (yuck)
Read twice, just to make sure I understood all the characters. There was a bit of confusion, at first, as to whose story it was. Became clear soon enough that it was Jacob's.
Will admit, really enjoyed reading Kora's dialog. Cryptic-language (like partial foreign language) is tough to do well. (Don't want to get so bogged down in deciphering that it's distracting.) Kora's was fun to read and easy to follow.Well done.
Pages: 1, 
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Da Horns - OWC
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