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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Operation: Sleepwalker - OWC
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  Author    Operation: Sleepwalker - OWC  (currently 4331 views)
Don
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Operation: Sleepwalker by Newt - Short, Horror - On Halloween, a young man going through withdrawal witnesses beings that can't be seen mingling among the Trick-or-Treaters and killing them one at a time. (R ) - pdf, format


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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No title page and a copyright on the first page.  >


Quoted Text
Fuck this.

Why have the scene in the Bedroom at all? Just put Eric in the Kitchen with his....puffed rice I guess *(e 'chews' his food- and eats it with his fingers) anyway, you get the point. Script should start in the Kitchen.

Storywiose, I don't think the "found footage" cam is really needed. Im not even sure what the entire purpose of it was. I stuck with the script only because of the mosquito monsters and they won't attack if you stand still. I kind of liked that. But that darned camcorder-found footage never stopped intruding. What's sad is that the script comes off like a writer's joke, and yet with one simple revision, it can still have dark humor, but be 100% more effective.

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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure what to think. There were a few interesting details, but the read was mostly unexciting. The writing was awkward.

The "superhero" line made no sense. Did he literally trip over a superhero? If that's the case, then this is a pisstake. Did he trip, and look like a superhero? A superhero recovery?

The alien-type bug dudes are worthy of exploration, but the protagonists stake in this fell flat. Get rid of the camera stuff and focus on the mysterious operation revealed in the end. That was probably the best part of the story.
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rendevous
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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No title page? Oh well.

Interesting approach to the start. Within the challenge I thought that worked quite well.

Then I got to 'It's an average neighborhood.' Like they used to put on my school report - could do better.

Then there's 'toward a GIRL dressed as a princes.' Hmmm. You've not bothered reading this. Oh well.

All those exclamation marks aren't helping his dialogue. He's beginning to sound like an idiot.

Pity. It' was a promising start, despite the lack of a title page.

I don't like being cruel so I'll stop. Sorry about that.

R




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khamanna
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 2:49am Report to Moderator
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I liked it.

Simple idea, yet effective. I liked the twist at the end.
A lot of it didn't make sense but the ending cleared that up for me.

I wish there was less running in the middle. You could add some texture - Eric's encounter with his folks, otherwise it's just meandering about in the middle and that potentially loses your reader.

And a bit less characters and fewer places might help this get filmed I guess. But overall it's a nice idea, I like it.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 3:04am Report to Moderator
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The dialogue is very poor... but I did like the Kafka-esque start. Probably a fluke, I thought, and I was right. Shame.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Operation: Sleepwalker

Hello,

I think you could bundle the story a lot, the dialogue and the action as well.

A lot happened, some brutal pictures. You could work more with that freezing effect and make it a mystery story somehow. The mystery's pay-off go short here. I didn't get what the operation aimed for and who those mysterious people are.



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Stumpzian
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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I couldn't get a handle on this. The whole thing is kind of deadpan ("Hey, Mr. Freely, I'm taking your candy") delivered in a monotone. It got interesting with the Hazmat guys, but by then time was up.



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c m hall
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 12:40am Report to Moderator
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This story seems like it could be developed into a longer script.  As it is, the ending seemed too abrupt-- the confines of the OWC might be too much for this story.  

SPOILERS

Eric is an interesting character, if he had further adventures they could be interesting, too.  In a longer version Eric could do a lot of damage to whatever the master plan is.  And maybe have a pal to talk to.  Maybe an insect pal.

Revision History (1 edits)
c m hall  -  November 2nd, 2014, 6:37pm
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LC
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 6:16am Report to Moderator
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You've got some nice deadpan humour in this. Eric's a pretty funny guy. You manage to elicit sympathy for him too - recovered drug addict, out of work - world against him etc.

The outfit that screams, "hire me!"
Damn.


I chuckled at that line (above) and also Eric's reaction to seeing sunlight.

The story is intriguing and has a Twilight Zone feel about.

I did wonder why a drug addled - or at least just recently clean Eric would run after the weird creature? I would have thought normal instinct would have him running away. Still characters on screen do not always act as they should, so...

On a technical note:

You should CAP the FADE IN: and the copyright (c) 2014 belongs on a title page. Easy fixes.

The script itself needs a bit of work but I liked Eric and I liked the idea.  


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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I thought the logline was the most intriguing of all them, personally. (Although it's missing a comma).

A very interesting opening.

Some of Eric's dialogue cheapens the action, IMO, but it's an easy fix.

The story was excellent for 9 pages, then drifted away. Get it right and it would make for a good film. Good enough for a feature in the vein of The Bay.
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Gum
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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Another one that could easily be written for the annals of the crypt, Tales from the Crypt that is. I enjoyed it.

What kept me going was, not the dialog, or section sequences (which were kind of clunky IMO), but the fact that I just had to know what those creatures were all about, and what they were doing to people’s heads.

This had a real strange vibe to it. An eerie black-op situation where the only way to properly inoculate the infected was to kill them… crazy. Yet I would have liked a little more info as to what they (creatures) were doing. It seems like they were using people’s heads to incubate their offspring, or something along those lines? Anyways, that’s creepy cool, but I’m lost as to how this incorporated a portal for the challenge.

Entertaining enough though…
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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Logline...not the best written...but a great idea. Like it already. Let's see...

RED FLAG! RED FLAG...no title page.

Oh it's a found footage, filmed film...err that doesn't sound right
Good choice. Under the circumstances that's a good call
Initial writing.. Tidy.
SPIFFY...who uses words like that. Great.
Seven line action block..way too much. Keep to 2/3

Ok, problem here. Good set up, but then...
If you have a an ex druggie test him. Confuse him. Parallel the drug world. Don't get him running after bugs, that's doesn't work for me
You move between locations like kitchen and front door.. They need mini slugs etc

Oh man, later you get way to heavy in the action blocks. Keep it lean, simple. And important. Don't repeat, even if you think it's different. Avoid similar circumstances. A story must leap, and when it leaps, it leaps In style, ie don't find yourself in the same place, same problem. Sorry, I'm rambling....but you idea has something, but the script is not delivering

Didn't like the ending, but it could work.

Not there, but has a chance.


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Last Fountain
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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An imaginative spin on INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS as a found footage horror with…

… creepy creatures. Good scares. Some good gore. Exciting chases. Could have less expository dialogue.

First off, great title. It grabbed my attention right away. I hope we delve into pseudo-science here. We meet Eric. By the by, and as an aside, this is yet another OWC that starts off with a dishevelled guy in a decrepit messy house. What’s up with that? Okay, so this looks to go in a different direction. Eric battles the inner demons of addiction. This theme reminds me of the most recent EVIL DEAD. The video diary is a good idea. It’s an effective trope to get around the challenge parameters.

I thought this was going to be a FOUND FOOTAGE horror movie until you exited the house. The title you came up with would work in that sub-genre really well. Like maybe someone is studying people out there who have special abilities to interact with the Otherworld or something. I’d consider reworking this, so Eric films his daily life, even outside of the house. We follow Eric as he films himself or we see his POV until he finally meets a demon or something (I assume).

Outside the house… I’d alter Eric’s awkward dialogue to something like, “Trick r treaters? Already?” We know it’s bright out, right. Otherwise with him mentioning Halloween like that I wondered if he lost track of days and didn’t realize it was the holiday until he saw costumes. If that IS the intent, I’d try and clarify that point a bit better. I’m also unclear if he traversed some sort of portal there.

I’m happy you took the time to create an inventive creature design. It would look cool. Pretty peaky shit. However, I’d consider splitting up that descriptive passage into two or something, since it runs pretty long – like 7 lines as opposed to a max of 4 (a screenplay standard, I believe). With Eric falling in the alley, and the way it’s described, it seems like this IS a found footage approach. I’d clarify that earlier, so we for sure know it is. For me, it’s a great idea. Most of the found footage horror flicks take place in an isolated setting. I like how you opened things up by taking to the streets. It gives this short a unique flavour (from the OWCs I’ve read so far).

The bug brain-straw stuff is creepy. Rad idea. Gross and scary. Since this is all from the camera’s POV I’d consider embellishing these moments. Maybe you could add some Zooming in on the strange needle. Or the camera shakes because Eric is frightened. His breath quakes. You know, stuff like that. It would really sell this perspective and place us directly into this horror movie with greater ease. I’d say every chance you get, make Eric feel like us – watching the movie as our own first-person experience.

I’d cut out that line about getting changed before someone calls the cops. It stood out really awkwardly. It’s Halloween, people dress up as “hobos” and zombies and all sorts of weird shit. No one would call the cops on a guy with dirt on his clothes. Would you?

I like how you focus the camera on his neighbour’s head wound. It drives home the idea that maybe these guys are like BODY SNATCHED, and under the fly’s control (hive mind theory). Hmm. I’m not sure, I’m buying Eric just going back inside after he’s seen all this weird shit.

Maybe during the off-screen stuff he watched the tape and comments on it. He changes his plan of video diary to documenting a Halloween monster invasion. Just an idea to make all these ideas flow better. It’s an intriguing set-up. I like the style. So I hope you don’t mind me taking a minute to come up with some suggestions. I think this idea is worth a rewrite for sure. I think you could also play around with Eric demanding someone talk to him, but there all unresponsive hosts. That really excuses the 1 speaker parameter well, to my liking.  

I like how Eric calls Cass for support. When he leaves that message wouldn’t she assume this problem he has would involve drugs or something. Maybe he could be aware of this and address the issue. Like, “Something strange is going on here, Cass. And I’m not talking about drugs. I’m not high. This is not a Halloween joke. Just… listen. This is like end-of-the-world type strange shit. I can’t explain it over the phone. Call me. Please. I’m worried.” Sure this is a mouthful, but I think you should point out that he is scared legit. Or even worried he’s cracked and gone insane from withdrawal or something.  I’m just trying to come up with some constructive alternatives here.

Whoah. All those bodies. AND the see-thru head. Great creepy image, with that bug writhing inside. He calls his folks. Alright. He needs someone. I get it. I like how here you decide to mention the drug angle. I feel it’s appropriate. I like the sound design of the buzzing sounds permeated throughout. For me it’s the sound of an army of flies. So I think another cool image to scare us would be as the phone call disconnects due to buzzing a fly exits his phone, flying into the night. Maybe more spew out.

I like the way you end this off with a, um, bang. Bitter-sweet. A lot of horror ends this way but it’s an effective cliché. 2 spring to mind (shit I hope I don’t SPOIL these movies). NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. And CABIN FEVER.  I wonder if you should shift some more focus on the idea that Eric could be crazy and suffering from withdrawal or some sort of effects from quitting drugs.

For me, I don’t like when you break from the found footage aspect to traditional filming for that teaser at the end. I like the idea there though - that scientists(?) study this sort of dark phenomenon. So…

ALTERNATE ENDING IDEA: Maybe the footage could play, and as the cop detaches the GoPro from his chest, the footage shifts, the camera pulls back to someone WATCHING this footage in an office or something – as a scientist from Project Sleepwalker finishes watching the event. He scribbles his last note than throws the tape in the right box. Just an idea to punch up that ending, and transition into a different style (and world) more effectively.

Good familiar premise. Strong style. Exciting and scary.  Could use less dialogue.       *   *   *    (of 5)  


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KPM
Posted: November 1st, 2014, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Eric's frantic quality really works. He covers a lot of ground in 10 pages.
Also couldn't get the image of: "The bugs reach up and pull long needle-like appendages from their faces and stick them in the heads of their victims." OMG. Some of us are just not cut out for reading horror... (That's a compliment.)

There might be just a little too much, though, of Eric talking to himself. It's understandable, cause he's narrating for his cameras. Am afraid that in a ten-minute film, though, it may come across as he's talking too much.
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