The Village Idiot by Fred Bigjim - Short, Comedy - In a fairy tale town, the police force the town punk to go undercover for them in order to bring down the evil witch, and freeing them from her curse, returning harmony back to the community.  12 pages - pdf, format

Highly unusual. Somewhat reminds me of fractured fairy tales from the old "Rocky and Bullwinkle" shows crossed with "Monty Python."

From a technical standpoint, only a few typos and well written. Your structure was good as well. The action portions seemed a bit long at times and could be pared down without losing description. As far as storyline goes, at times I had trouble understanding the flow. Then again, it may have just been me. You obviously spent time developing the story and it shows in the quality of the writing.

Best of luck.

Ian

Hey Fred, I seriously suggest you redo your logline as it reads off.

Sorry but I haven't time to read the script just yet but will try to get to it later.

Hey Fred,

As Alfy said your logline needs work. A lot of writers think the logline is the last thing to be looked at with the least consideration but the opposite is true. Potential reviewers will not read a single word of your script if the title and logline don't, A - Inform them what the story is about and B - Entice them to read on. You want people to be eager to read page 1, not put off by a clumsy logline.

We have no idea what Smash, Mutt and Rotten look like, what species they are or what gender Mutt and Rotten are. When you introduce them, introduce them - even a brief description helps, especially in a fantasy story! Same with old Alley Cat Wino. It's a an inventive name but is this a male human or some hybrid feline species? Same with all your characters by the looks of it, you're not introducing them at all. Oh wait a minute, Farts is an Owl lol, at least that's established. And Bunny is indeed a Rabbit.

This hot rod they are driving, is it a car or some sort of suped-up horse and carriage vehicle because you've established this is set in a fairy tale village?

In general the action segments should be three to four lines max. If you are using more than that or you find you are using 3-4 lines a lot, you need to separate them or trim them down otherwise the pacing will be way off.

I got to page 5 and found it way too much to get across in a screenplay but way too little in the areas that count like character and scene descriptions. You want us to imagine a vastly different fantasy land with not much to go on and yet there's lots of story going on with many characters.  You've a vivid imagination and a way with words for sure but I feel you'd have a better shot writing this as a novel and would encourage you to have a go. That way you can open up and really describe this world you've created in a way that justifies it.

Best of luck,

Mark