Verticalville by Stephen Neely (stvexmachina) - Action, Adventure - Set against the backdrop of an island city that has arisen into the sky, VerticalVille is a coming of age Steampunk adventure about a young man who learns that the horrors of his family’s secret past must be confronted before the city is lost to them.  It’s The Ten Commandants meets Metropolis.  123 pages - pdf, format

160 pages is QUITE a lot. There is nothing you can't cut to slim it down? You'll get more reads when your script is more manageable.

Sluglines are hard. This needs some work. It doesn't really tell me anything about your film except it stars a young man, like most movies, and it's in a steampunk world. That's not enough to hook me. Flip through your TV channels and look at the little summaries they post in the descriptions. Those are good examples of sluglines and there are lots to look at.

Lose the big bold underlined title. Looks amateurish and it won't help entertain your readers one bit.

No need to number your scenes. Lose the continues. I don't know what the - before every other action line is supposed to mean.

I skimmed the first few pages. At work, all the time I have. Your can write well. Your action descriptions are vivid and detailed. Sometimes a bit much. We don't need to know soldiers are dressed in navy blue for example. Some of the dialogue is a bit over the top but I guess that's part of the setting. There's also a lot of it. For example when the baby is switched you spend two whole pages of the parents cooing over their newborn. A simple, "He's perfect," from the baroness would do just as well and be more effective.

You've put a lot of thought into this I can see. Now put even more into cutting it down. Every line, every word needs to have meaning or else cut it.

Keep it up. This could have potential.

Quoted from CameronD Sluglines are hard.

Quoted from StephenN Obviously my slug needs work.

Guys, it's called a logline. Sluglines are a completely different thing. Hard to believe the two of you don't know the difference. But, yeah, the logline needs work.

Stephen, you really should consider trimming your script way down. As a TV producer, you should already know that a spec script running at 160 pages is dead before take-off. You really have to earn your right to write a script that long - and even those that have earned that right seldom do it. Cut out 50 pages or so and it's a start.

Quoted from StephenN I also understand the economy of information.

Be that as it may, your 160 page script seem to suggest otherwise.

It's very time consuming to read a screenplay and give notes. Even a "short" one at 100 pages. If you want feedback on your script, my suggestion would be to read and review other feature scripts here. Make sure they are written by active members though, since many writers never come around to the forums. You can also ask for a script review exchange here http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/  

I will.  thank you.

I took a brief look at the first page... it is written fairly well. Few pointers here and there could maybe improve, but I doubt it will be enough to drop 40 pages from your story.

Dropping those annoying double spaces after a full stop would be a start. Also watch for 'begins' 'starts' 'is' and 'suddenly'... they are often not needed.

Your logline also needs work. It's not interesting enough as it stands.

Even with a swap though, most will baulk at 160 pages.

Very helpful.  Thank you.  

My fault on the slugline/logline goof up. I was teaching class early in the morning and trying to type in a comment while kids were testing, lol. You all know I want.

And you are fooling yourself if you think you're at 160 and there is nothing you can't cut. Combine scenes. Combine characters. I wrote a western that was 163 pages at the end of it's first draft! 8 drafts later I had whittled it down to 115. You can do it. And you need to do it if you have any expectation of this moving out into the world beyond your desktop.

It's posted here under the western section. It's called No Beans in the Wheel.

May I ask who read your script the first time around? You're a producer so I'm wondering if it was friends in the business or outside. I would imagine those in the know, would know 160 is HUGE for a screenplay.

Here's the trick. You can still build character and develop your world while still cutting back. As I mentioned in your baby scene, instead of having the parents dote on the newly swapped babe, just have them smile at the baby , kiss it proudly, etc. We'll know enough through their actions what you want them to be. And it's often more powerful for a character to react to a situation with a single word, or quip, or movement than to go on into detail with the reasons for and why their behaviors.

Also a general rule when writing is late in, early out. I read somewhere to go through your scripts and cut out the first and last line from every scene. It's good advice.

As Dustin said, it's written fairly well. It's obvious you've put a lot of work into this also. But a screenplay shouldn't go into every detail. You are trying to convey story with the least amount of words possible. It's tough.

If I have time I wouldn't mind reading more of your script but I'm very busy at the moment with my blog. I may have time to cruise it more while I'm at school between classes while I teach.

Capitalize the names of characters the first time they are introduced into a scene. "Metal pipes and pistons drip with condensation, the orange glow of molten steel casts about as a hurried WOMAN runs past a blast of hot steam." A CROWD gathers, a CAHSIER rings up an order, etc.

When you can try to describe major characters when first introduced and give an age. All I know about Captain Duncan is he has one eye. If he's not a major character then you can get away with what you have here.

The woman rowing against the backdrop of the moon is a nice touch.

The parcel balloon in the boat is odd. It just appears. Maybe mention it in in the boat as she rows.

How can the baby turn a corner when he lifted up into the air above the ocean? Makes no sense. As the baby rises past the city I would add a scene change to show we are not at the ocean anymore. Way too much description of the city. We don't need to know every shop on our way up.

That high up and a bullet can still reach the baby? Either that is a super rifle and  hell of a shot or this city isn't as vertical as I'm picturing it to be.

The newborn baby scene is about 6 pages. As I said before, shorten it. This could all easily be done in 3.

Page 12 - EXT. BARON'S MANOR/GREAT GARDEN - DAY

As the city's anthem comes to a stirring close, Cadence runs up to a labyrinth entrance. She looks around at all the space, the fountains, the riches that other Poorborn baby will earn without an ounce of effort.

This last bit is unfilmable, as in there's no way that description can be conveyed onscreen. All the audience will see is fountains.

I may have missed it, what are Battlescarred? You mention them in the script but I have no idea what they are supposed to be.

Another rule, though I don't see much of it, get rid of words that end in -ing whenever you can. Scripts take place in the present. Characters aren't shouting, they shout. Nobody is jumping. Instead simply write they jump.

I got to pg 13. I'll try and read more next week when I can find time. The setting so far is very detailed, different, and still interesting. BUT, 13 pages in and I still don't know where this story is headed. Usually by page 10 you want to at least have your inciting incident which sets the story into motion. I don't think the baby switch is that incident. Right now this is all your exposition. You have a world to build. I get that. But don't neglect your story at it's expense.

rewrite is up

thanks for the feedback guys.  I have an offer for an option from disney after a meeting last week.  It's not much and they'll probably tear my script apart over the next 3 years with other writers.  But at least it's a start.  Cheers.

Quoted from StephenN thanks for the feedback guys.  I have an offer for an option from disney after a meeting last week.  It's not much and they'll probably tear my script apart over the next 3 years with other writers. But at least it's a start.  Cheers.

Option from Disney?! I'd be on cloud nine, not whinging about what might happen.

Congrats.

ha!  thanks.  I've just seen what happens to scripts in this town.  I never wanted this story to be an animated movie...but I guess thats where it's headed.  cheers.