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  Author    Swings 'n' Roundabouts  (currently 4360 views)
Don
Posted: November 21st, 2014, 6:14am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Swings 'n' Roundabouts by Dustin Bowcott - Horror  - Whilst struggling to support her family, a devoted wife and mother faces an even greater hurdle when her husband loses his mind and attempts to kill their family. 90 pages - pdf, format


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LC
Posted: November 21st, 2014, 8:01am Report to Moderator
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The Pros, so far:

Dustin, you've hooked me within the first few pages and most of that is down to the fact it's such a quick and effortless read - but also because it's intriguing. The setup is great, I like the characters and I'm getting a sense of foreboding so I want to read more.

If it wasn't getting on in Oz I'm sure I'd fly through the rest tonight but I'll leave it till tomorrow when I can think more clearly.

The Cons, so far:

Not too keen on the script title.- don't think it really does the story justice, so far.

And, I think you give too much away in the logline - getting too close to actually giving a conclusion to the story. Of course anything can happen in this genre and it could be a misdirection but I think it'd be way more effective not to tell your audience quite so much of the plot i.e., 'husband loses his mind and attempts to kill their family' -upfront.

Look at the log for 'The Shining' - A family heads to an isolated hotel for the winter where an evil and spiritual presence influences the father into violence, while his psychic son sees horrific forebodings from the past and of the future..

That said perhaps I should wait until I've read more before making such a conclusive statement.

A couple of questions:

Is this based in the U.S.?

Why call it 'EMILY'S FLAT' when it's the family home? Is this because you're telling the story from Emily's POV as your logline indicates, cause it reads so far to me that it is heavily weighted from Emily's perspective and yet I get the feeling Leroy has equal time in terms of story, if not more... That throws me a little.

Okay, I take it you're writing for the U.S. market here if I'm to go on:
'Mom' and 'meters' even though I'm not at all sure where we are in the U.S.  

Btw, FYI the 'M' in 'Mom' should be capped - the rule of thumb is, if you can replace the word 'Mom' with her name i.e., It’s just weed, mom. = 'It's just weed, Emily' then cap it. 'That's my mom' would be lower case cause you wouldn't say: 'that's my Emily'.

Anyway, really looking forward to reading more.  

P.S. Just want to add I'm all for a reader conjuring their own image of what characters look like physically, and I notice (the lack of description, except for age) in quite a few pro scripts lately - I mean I get the impression just from context that Emily is probably a looker for example, and in my mind (while reading) I pictured Leroy as a black man - purely based on his name, but a little in the way of physical attributes wouldn't go astray... perhaps?




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LC  -  November 21st, 2014, 8:23am
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sniper
Posted: November 21st, 2014, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin,

Read the first 25 pages (at work at the moment, so will look at the rest later). First off, I like how white the pages are, very sparse text - which I'm a fan of - makes for an ultra quick read. But I also think you sacrificed a bit of clarity with your lean'ness. I wouldn't mind a little more descriptions of the characters and setups, cos' I found your script lacking somewhat in the atmosphere department - so far, at least.

Granted, I haven't read the whole thing, so I can't comment on what twists are gonna happen later on but as of page 25 it's fairly generic stuff going on here. The deadbeat husband, cheating wife, bozo co-worker etc. nothing really new under the sun. Now that they have arrived at the house, I'm hoping things will heat up - maybe get a little "The Shining" action going on.

I don't comment on style (unless not doing so would be a disservice to the writer) because every one has their own ways of writing and yours works for you and that's all that matters.

One thing though I would like to point out is that this could use a once over with the grammar glasses on. Only a few typos, nothing major, but I would definitely throw some more commas in there. Just saying. Also, there's a lot of "sucking on teeth" going on. What's up with that?

Will get back when I'm finished with the script.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 21st, 2014, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads so far, much appreciated. I didn't expect the script to be up yet let alone reads on it.

This is based on The Shining and what I read in the papers, see on the news where guys go crazy and kill/attempt to kill their own family.

Leroy does get kinda equal time as he is the antagonist. That's why I made him such a waste of space in the beginning... and even when things turn around it's all about his dreams, wants and desires... like most relationships today, really. I really wanted to hit on that. That it could be almost anyone that does this type of thing and that's what I find more scary. You just never know. I want wives to second glance their husbands and ask... could he? Is he capable of that too? Yes, yes he is.

That's why I had to keep ghosts out of this. The real horror of this type of story is that it happens. I made the guy a failing writer too, lol. My gf hasn't read it yet. It'll probably freak the shit out of her if she does.

There are no twists in this. I haven't tried to be clever. I don't think a story like this really merits it. As I said the horror for me with this type of story is that it happens... quite a lot too.

I made the whole family black... aside from Emily, she could be white, but also mixed or black. Still unsure about her. I made this choice mainly because I don't see enough black people play these type of parts and I want to change that.

Sucking on teeth is a sign of displeasure that a lot of people in the black community do. Similar to tutting.

Thanks for the information on 'Mom'. That is firmly locked away... although doubtless when writing quickly I will have to go back and edit.

Likewise the thing with typo's, commas and grammar. I'll have to check that over. Thanks.

The lack of character description is because I find that when casting, the actor may not look anything like what we imagined when writing... but I think it does add something to the read. I'll put a little in.

I've set this in the UK, but I suppose I've tried to make it a little neutral so that it can be easily filmed in the US too. The market for indie filmmaking is very poor here for writers.

I've also written this with budget in mind. It could be done for a few K, even cheaper with some location sacrifices/workarounds.

Emily is the protagonist.

Thanks again for the reads.
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sniper
Posted: November 24th, 2014, 8:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin,

Finished the script and here are my thoughts.

As I stated in my previous posts, I feel that the story itself is fairly generic and doesn't stand out from the majority of what else is out there. The same thing goes for your characters. I think a little backstory to Leroy's character would help - maybe he used to be a big shot writer who hit a slump, maybe they had to move to the apartment from a big house because he developed writer's block or something, maybe Emily blames him for that. Thinking about it, I think I would have liked it more if you done a gender switch, "Whilst struggling to support his family, a devoted husband and father faces an even greater hurdle when his wife loses her mind and attempts to kill their family" - I'd read that (although you may - or may not - have to change the blowjob scene). Hell, you could have made them a lesbian couple and made it more interesting.

The reason I want Leroy to be a former big shot writer is that is would then seem more plausible that someone would offer him a 1m pounds for his script. Unless you're J.K. Rowling and have an established franchise going, no newbie will ever get offered that much money for the rights, let alone an option. I does require quite a bit of suspension of disbelief to accept that Leroy would not be way more suspicious about Jeffrey. I think the same can be said for Emily. Although she seems to be a little more grounded and have more acumen and savvy, she does go along with Leroy rather quickly. Granted, she has other stuff on her mind, but still.

You made the family black but did race really matter? I don't think it did. Leroy played the race card once with Michael but other than that I didn't see how them being white, black, Asian or Hispanic even became a factor in this story.

I think you dialogue overall is fairly solid (minus the missing commas), but it's heavily on the nose. There's not a lot left to interpretation and that hurts your characters. I'll give you that it works within the genre but it's just another reason why the story doesn't stand out.

The kids. Ah, those lovely kids. I can usually tell when I'm being let down a specific path and this was no difference. Other than being a rather blatant plot devise in the third act, I could just not see any point of them in this story. Other than smoke weed and suck teeth they don't add a whole lot to the story, which made it really tedious reading any scene with them in it. Oh, and could Ruth and Vicky be any lamer? Is that blood? Is that an axe? No, it's ketchup, cupcakes, and, to paraphrase The Dude, obviously you gals aren't golfers.

Leroy's transformation into a killer seems rather abrupt to to me. At no point during this script does he come off as anything other than a deadbeat. He's basically a very passive character throughout the script, the kind of guy who would - upon learning that his million pounds just went bye-bye - shrug and say, "Oh, well, can't win 'em all". I did not feel that someone like him would be able to snap like he did, certainly not on his family, and therefore couldn't buy the whole "Heeeere's Johnny" routine. Had he gone after Michael at first, maybe I could've bought that. Maybe. But not this.

I actually like the Emily-Steven subplot but I thought that Steven wasn't fleshed out properly. Had he not been such a dick - and actually cared for her (other than claiming to love her) - I could have bought him showing up in the end.

The final scene with Peppercorn was not only predictably in my book but also too easy. I get what you were trying to do here but it doesn't work because it makes Leroy's arc seem even more forced.

I'm sure you've probably already figured out that I wasn't a big fan of this script. However, that's mainly because it could be good script with a proper (and more believable) storyline and characters with a bit more flesh on them. But as is? Not so much.

Anyway, my .02.

Cheers
Rob


Just a few notes I scribbled down:

- Secluded area. Convenient.
- Bad cell phone reception. Very convenient.
- Kids with guns. Extremely convenient.
- Steven shows up. Imagine that.
- 1st Bullet misses, second bullet only wounds. Pretty generic horror stuff.
- Michael shows up as well. Who would've thought? Strange that he doesn't know about the bad cell phone reception.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 24th, 2014, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from sniper
Hey Dustin,

Finished the script and here are my thoughts.


Hi mate, thanks for your thoughts and for reading the whole script. Much appreciated.


Quoted Text
As I stated in my previous posts, I feel that the story itself is fairly generic and doesn't stand out from the majority of what else is out there.


I wrote this not to stand out... I'm tired of writing stuff that stands out as people don't like to take chances. This is a straight A to B horror.


Quoted Text
The same thing goes for your characters. I think a little backstory to Leroy's character would help - maybe he used to be a big shot writer who hit a slump, maybe they had to move to the apartment from a big house because he developed writer's block or something, maybe Emily blames him for that.


I get your point. Obviously your cliched example is deliberately so, as it's an example... but I do get what you mean. I did consider adding some type of mental issue background.


Quoted Text
Thinking about it, I think I would have liked it more if you done a gender switch, "Whilst struggling to support his family, a devoted husband and father faces an even greater hurdle when his wife loses her mind and attempts to kill their family" - I'd read that (although you may - or may not - have to change the blowjob scene). Hell, you could have made them a lesbian couple and made it more interesting.


I like the lesbian angle... that's cool.


Quoted Text
The reason I want Leroy to be a former big shot writer is that is would then seem more plausible that someone would offer him a 1m pounds for his script. Unless you're J.K. Rowling and have an established franchise going, no newbie will ever get offered that much money for the rights, let alone an option. I does require quite a bit of suspension of disbelief to accept that Leroy would not be way more suspicious about Jeffrey. I think the same can be said for Emily. Although she seems to be a little more grounded and have more acumen and savvy, she does go along with Leroy rather quickly. Granted, she has other stuff on her mind, but still.


You're right, I should make it a 200 million dollar script. I'm pretty sure the guy that sold Snow White and the Huntsman got a few million for his script and he had only optioned one script previously.


Quoted Text
You made the family black but did race really matter?


No... but that's the point. Obviously the casting directors are free to do as they please. If I filmed this I would make the family black because I don't feel that black people are given enough of these types of parts. They're stereotyped to roles 'more suited tot heir culture'. When in actual fact, many black people are just like white people, only black.


Quoted Text
I think you dialogue overall is fairly solid (minus the missing commas), but it's heavily on the nose. There's not a lot left to interpretation and that hurts your characters. I'll give you that it works within the genre but it's just another reason why the story doesn't stand out.


I was aware of that as I wrote it. But I really wanted to let loose with the dialogue in this script. I've done so much recently with sparse dialogue, I wanted to try the opposite. I agree it could do with tightening up.


Quoted Text
The kids. Ah, those lovely kids. I can usually tell when I'm being let down a specific path and this was no difference. Other than being a rather blatant plot devise in the third act, I could just not see any point of them in this story. Other than smoke weed and suck teeth they don't add a whole lot to the story, which made it really tedious reading any scene with them in it.


Yeah I was aware of that too. I'll have to include them in the drama more with the parents. Which would be easy if I make the parents lesbians.


Quoted Text

Oh, and could Ruth and Vicky be any lamer? Is that blood? Is that an axe? No, it's ketchup, cupcakes, and, to paraphrase The Dude, obviously you gals aren't golfers.


I think asking of something is blood is a pertinent question one would ask even if it was obvious. The axe is too far, I think.


Quoted Text
Leroy's transformation into a killer seems rather abrupt to to me. At no point during this script does he come off as anything other than a deadbeat. He's basically a very passive character throughout the script, the kind of guy who would - upon learning that his million pounds just went bye-bye - shrug and say, "Oh, well, can't win 'em all". I did not feel that someone like him would be able to snap like he did, certainly not on his family, and therefore couldn't buy the whole "Heeeere's Johnny" routine. Had he gone after Michael at first, maybe I could've bought that. Maybe. But not this.


I'll obviously need to work that in better.


Quoted Text
I actually like the Emily-Steven subplot but I thought that Steven wasn't fleshed out properly. Had he not been such a dick - and actually cared for her (other than claiming to love her) - I could have bought him showing up in the end.


I know how to work that while still keeping him a dick.


Quoted Text
The final scene with Peppercorn was not only predictably in my book but also too easy. I get what you were trying to do here but it doesn't work because it makes Leroy's arc seem even more forced.


Yeah, interesting point. I'll think about it.


Quoted Text

I'm sure you've probably already figured out that I wasn't a big fan of this script. However, that's mainly because it could be good script with a proper (and more believable) storyline and characters with a bit more flesh on them. But as is? Not so much.


Maybe the fact I wrote this in seven days has something to do with it. I have to take your comments on the chin as they are completely fair. Thanks for taking the time to read.
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LC
Posted: November 26th, 2014, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin, this is a quick and easy read and I notice in your response to Rob that you wrote this in a week. I read the entire script and though it's a damn good effort for a week I do feel the rush job is showing quite a bit.

At risk of repeating a lot of things Rob said - (I did take notes of my own) and in case there are similarities, I'll keep suggestions to a minimum as it can be a bit of a drag hearing the same thing.

Main thing I'd focus on would be the transition time between Leroy getting the good news, then the bad news, and his subsequent transformation into Axe-wielding maniac. A bit of back story would add a lot to this I think.

Comments and typos as I read on:

The FAT MAN at the Duck Pond seems as if he was thrown into the story with no real merit with regards to the rest of the plot. p. 33. I think I know what you were trying to do here in showing a part of Emily's life i.e, what she has to put up with - uncouth men who just want to use her etc, but unless I've missed something (or unless she stumbled upon some dodgy sex-haunt) it just appeared out of the blue to me and a bit tacked on.

Unless somebody has stolen it, I
think dad’s took it. p.38
(I gather this is part of Nelson's way of speaking?)

POSH COMPREHENSIVE - I have no idea what the equivalent would be in U.S. but I do reckon you should decide if you're writing U.S. or English because at the moment it reads as a hybrid - some U.S. spelling etc. but then that slug is clearly British. In the scheme of things it's probably not going to stop a potential producer - just saying.

NELSON
Mom, seriously. We’re as good as
tribe people. They’re looking at us
like we’re cannibals or something.

Funny dialogue. Made me chuckle. p.40

Michael and Receptionist (and the) p. 42 - word omission.

Hmm, the Alzheimer's thing doesn't ring true to me - perhaps if Jeffrey met with a sudden accident - I'd find that more credible - he could have actually liked the script and his son hates it. I'd try to put in some hints in the dialogue/action that indicate he's a little more erratic - mentally than he first appears. I know people afflicted can appear lucid at times so it could work but on first read it seemed a bit jarring.

Alzheimer (s) plural p. 43 bottom.

Clever girl taking the harddrives. I like her tough character. She does what she has to do but won't take it lying down.   It's often the women who take control in these types of scenarios even though the male characters appear to be the 'strong' ones. He's effectively the house-husband and she's the breadwinner/organizer - I'd elaborate on that a bit more in terms of character.

can’t work within 'can't work in that environment' p. 47

'skewing it' - 'shanking' is an alternate word - I used to play p. 57

'is lay it to you straight.' p.58
Perhaps: 'give it to you straight' or: 'lay it out for you'?

wouldn’t need it spelling
out for them.'
'spelled out for them' I reckon, unless of course this is part of the character's way of speaking in which case ignore my suggestion.

Hmm, Leroy's going to jump with the baby? And then the text stops him but he instantly 'turns'. p.63 This is where the transition is just too fast for me. I would like to know a bit more of Leroy's past - what success he has had. He must have had some otherwise I doubt his wife would just allow him to be a dilettante and just write at home day in day out.

I do like that Leroy takes the baby everywhere with him, though. It really adds a nice touch and a potentially threatening element. He becomes a loose cannon with a baby in his charge which can make for some terrific 'edge of the seat' action I just think it needs to be worked up to further into Leroy's mental disintegration.

I'd leave the 'sucking teeth' in if it's Nelson's 'thing' otherwise I'd vary the description a bit.

'areal romance,' p.68 typo

Steve manages to run a few steps before
being caught and chopped to pieces. p. 70

That's a real 'tell' imh as opposed to the 'show' below:

'smashing through it time and time again,
disabling the engine.'

'Here eye' - typo p.72 top.
'She locks eyes her sister' p.74 typo

So he kills one of the girls (friends of the boys) first. This all happens so fast. The girls with the guns - apparently they can use them - I'd make use of that more. Alternately, this is a 'family' thing with Leroy - they'd appear as outsiders imh. Perhaps he could calmly (devoid of axe) demand the girls leave and then they return to try to save the boys. Then they get killed. I'd buy that scenario more.

Format wise, I had a bit of trouble with all the 'BACK TO SCENE'/S and found it somewhat jarring - they're different scenes and locations/slugs and it's continuous action imh - not back to scene from a flashback for example - p.75

'listens at the wood.' - 'listens at the door' perhaps.

The first: 'that's not your Dad' from Emily sounds a little contrived to me - although the second when Nelson says it worked for me.

You've acknowledged you need to finesse this some so I won't harp on it too much. Suffice to say if it were me I'd focus more on Leroy's gradual disintegration and unpredictability. Add more in the lead-up - even throw in a little psychological horror to the mix and take more time with it so that the ax wielding occurs following a 'last straw' scenario.

You've a good setup for a solid horror with this. It just needs fleshing out a bit more.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
LC  -  November 26th, 2014, 9:44pm
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 27th, 2014, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Dustin, this is a quick and easy read and I notice in your response to Rob that you wrote this in a week. I read the entire script and though it's a damn good effort for a week I do feel the rush job is showing quite a bit.


Oh well, I'm not as amazing as I thought I was when I wrote this. I suppose I just wanted to get it down. Why waste time with a treatment if you can do a bare bones first draft in a week? It's just how I like to work. I wrote Momma's Boy in 3 weeks. Right now, I'm 15,000 words deep into a middle grade novel. Going really well and I'm absolutely loving the freedom. I can write what people are thinking, tell people stuff in dialogue... It's been a while. I'm still going to write screenplays, I'm just having a break to write this novel. Should have it done by Xmas.


Quoted Text
At risk of repeating a lot of things Rob said - (I did take notes of my own) and in case there are similarities, I'll keep suggestions to a minimum as it can be a bit of a drag hearing the same thing.


Cheers, although I don't mind. Sometimes I'll even explain myself twice.


Quoted Text
Main thing I'd focus on would be the transition time between Leroy getting the good news, then the bad news, and his subsequent transformation into Axe-wielding maniac. A bit of back story would add a lot to this I think.


Yeah I agree. It is the crux of the script, and in such a short time, I doubted it would hold up. But glad to see that it was an easy read all the same, so the weaknesses weren't so hard to digest.



Quoted Text
The FAT MAN at the Duck Pond seems as if he was thrown into the story with no real merit with regards to the rest of the plot. p. 33. I think I know what you were trying to do here in showing a part of Emily's life i.e, what she has to put up with - uncouth men who just want to use her etc, but unless I've missed something (or unless she stumbled upon some dodgy sex-haunt) it just appeared out of the blue to me and a bit tacked on.


A stop gap between scenes. I needed a scene filler and that was it. You're right. It is weak.


Quoted Text
Unless somebody has stolen it, I
think dad’s took it. p.38
(I gather this is part of Nelson's way of speaking?)


I was trying to keep good grammar out of his general speech, yes.


Quoted Text
POSH COMPREHENSIVE - I have no idea what the equivalent would be in U.S. but I do reckon you should decide if you're writing U.S. or English because at the moment it reads as a hybrid - some U.S. spelling etc. but then that slug is clearly British. In the scheme of things it's probably not going to stop a potential producer - just saying.


I'll change it to PRIVATE SCHOOL.


Quoted Text
Michael and Receptionist (and the) p. 42 - word omission.


I always do that in my scripts... well, most of the time. Once I've intro'd a character as RECEPTIONIST then that becomes their name. So is as good as calling them Sheila, or whatever.


Quoted Text
Hmm, the Alzheimer's thing doesn't ring true to me - perhaps if Jeffrey met with a sudden accident - I'd find that more credible - he could have actually liked the script and his son hates it. I'd try to put in some hints in the dialogue/action that indicate he's a little more erratic - mentally than he first appears. I know people afflicted can appear lucid at times so it could work but on first read it seemed a bit jarring.


I'll have to work that in better. I did make him slightly erratic with the odd socks, but I couldn't go too far as then it would have been silly for Leroy not to have spotted it much earlier.



Quoted Text
Clever girl taking the harddrives. I like her tough character. She does what she has to do but won't take it lying down.   It's often the women who take control in these types of scenarios even though the male characters appear to be the 'strong' ones. He's effectively the house-husband and she's the breadwinner/organizer - I'd elaborate on that a bit more in terms of character.


Yeaqh definitely. Thanks, I think in terms of actual character this is my most complex female protag to date. She's got a lot going on that I could elaborate on.


Quoted Text
can’t work within 'can't work in that environment' p. 47


Thanks.


Quoted Text
'skewing it' - 'shanking' is an alternate word - I used to play p. 57


I'm not sure about that. Although you are correct, it's not a word I'd ordinarily associate with golf. Unless it's US inmate golf, played on a basketball court surrounded by guards holding M16s. So, I don't know. In the one hand, I look ignorant of the game not using it and on the other, I risk alienating those that are ignorant of the game by using it.


Quoted Text
'is lay it to you straight.' p.58
Perhaps: 'give it to you straight' or: 'lay it out for you'?


I'll have another look at that.



Quoted Text
Hmm, Leroy's going to jump with the baby? And then the text stops him but he instantly 'turns'. p.63 This is where the transition is just too fast for me. I would like to know a bit more of Leroy's past - what success he has had. He must have had some otherwise I doubt his wife would just allow him to be a dilettante and just write at home day in day out.


The baby was an afterthought. I'm clearly going to have to do something about Leroy's backstory too. Thanks.


Quoted Text
I do like that Leroy takes the baby everywhere with him, though. It really adds a nice touch and a potentially threatening element. He becomes a loose cannon with a baby in his charge which can make for some terrific 'edge of the seat' action I just think it needs to be worked up to further into Leroy's mental disintegration.


Agreed. I'll look at this script again as soon as I've finished the novel.


Quoted Text
'areal romance,' p.68 typo


Thanks.

Quoted Text

Steve manages to run a few steps before
being caught and chopped to pieces. p. 70

That's a real 'tell' imh as opposed to the 'show' below:

'smashing through it time and time again,
disabling the engine.'


I'll have to look into that.


Quoted Text
'Here eye' - typo p.72 top.
'She locks eyes her sister' p.74 typo


Thanks.


Quoted Text
So he kills one of the girls (friends of the boys) first. This all happens so fast. The girls with the guns - apparently they can use them - I'd make use of that more. Alternately, this is a 'family' thing with Leroy - they'd appear as outsiders imh. Perhaps he could calmly (devoid of axe) demand the girls leave and then they return to try to save the boys. Then they get killed. I'd buy that scenario more.


I'll look more into what goes on there too, thanks.


Quoted Text
Format wise, I had a bit of trouble with all the 'BACK TO SCENE'/S and found it somewhat jarring - they're different scenes and locations/slugs and it's continuous action imh - not back to scene from a flashback for example - p.75


I'll look into their use.


Quoted Text
'listens at the wood.' - 'listens at the door' perhaps.


I'll check that out too, thanks.


Quoted Text
The first: 'that's not your Dad' from Emily sounds a little contrived to me - although the second when Nelson says it worked for me.


Thanks. I'll look into the first line.


Quoted Text
You've acknowledged you need to finesse this some so I won't harp on it too much. Suffice to say if it were me I'd focus more on Leroy's gradual disintegration and unpredictability. Add more in the lead-up - even throw in a little psychological horror to the mix and take more time with it so that the ax wielding occurs following a 'last straw' scenario.


Thanks for the tips. You're right.


Quoted Text
You've a good setup for a solid horror with this. It just needs fleshing out a bit more.


Agreed. Thanks for finishing the script. Much appreciated.
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SuperMan_fan
Posted: January 3rd, 2015, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this. I like the Jack Torrence  vibe you infuesd into the story was very nice. The use of a black family was an interesting and fresh take.

The absence of supernatural or demonic influences was also a good choice . It was the case of evil is human. Leroys Demon was the sickness in his mind and darkness in his heart


The only critque I could give is flesh Leroy out a bit more. I cant decide if he was a victim of the world or a deluded man who went mad because he couldnt face up to reality

also his wifes reaction she dosent sound sorry he is dead which leads me to think he wasnt so much a victim but a deluded Dreamer

all in all keep up the good work
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 4th, 2015, 4:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SuperMan_fan
I really enjoyed this. I like the Jack Torrence  vibe you infuesd into the story was very nice. The use of a black family was an interesting and fresh take.

The absence of supernatural or demonic influences was also a good choice . It was the case of evil is human. Leroys Demon was the sickness in his mind and darkness in his heart


The only critque I could give is flesh Leroy out a bit more. I cant decide if he was a victim of the world or a deluded man who went mad because he couldnt face up to reality

also his wifes reaction she dosent sound sorry he is dead which leads me to think he wasnt so much a victim but a deluded Dreamer

all in all keep up the good work


Yes, my intention was to put him across as just a deluded dreamer. A failure who has never been and never will go anywhere. I wanted to play with that emotion a little as it is poignant to most writers.

Thanks for the read. I can see how it would help the story if Leroy was fleshed out some more. Much appreciated.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 4th, 2015, 4:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from INTS
I'm with dilemma.


Go for number 2.


Quoted from INTS
Are you good writer or bad?


Well... don't tell anyone this, but sometimes I can be a bit naughty


Quoted from INTS

This script was  bad, like 3/10 bad.


Have you considered reading for The Blacklist? From the look of your 'review' you'd fit in perfectly... right down to the poor grammar.


Quoted from INTS

Your excuse is You wrote it in 7 days.


I didn't realise it would sound like an excuse... I really did write it in seven days. I have another feature script listed here that I wrote in 8.


Quoted from INTS

Ok I buy it.


Mate... I couldn't give a fuck.


Quoted from INTS

Where can I read your "good"  scripts.


Is this actually a question? If so, then you can read them anywhere you like.


Quoted from INTS

Put up the links or send to me email ints1988@gmail.com


You assume I want you to read my scripts. So much so that I'd be prepared to go out of my way to send you links to scripts that I think you may like, lol. You can't even write a post properly... why would I trust your opinion? What have I seen from you that would suggest you know what you're talking about?


Quoted from INTS

If you admit that the script is shit and lots of work to be done.


Why put those two opinions together as though they are one? I never once said the script is shit and neither has anyone else... until now. No, I don't admit the script is shit. Yes, there is some work to be done.


Quoted from INTS

Why you put it on?


I didn't. I submitted it to the site and Don listed it.


Quoted from INTS

To waste our time?


To get ideas from other writers on how the story can be improved... to find out, even, whether or not the script is worth continued effort.

I notice your review is very, very low on substance. Which is more typical of somebody wanting to hate rather than somebody that has actually read the script.


Quoted from INTS

Remember you are member of the year everyone look up on you and you came up with this? come on?


It's user defined. I wrote it myself. It's sarcasm, you c***.
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LC
Posted: January 4th, 2015, 4:52am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from INTS
You wrote it in 7 days. Ok I buy it.  

Don't be too hasty, Dustin. Ask him how much money he's offering.  


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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 4th, 2015, 5:17am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

Don't be too hasty, Dustin. Ask him how much money he's offering.  


Ah, that one got by me.

Oh well... too late now.
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SuperMan_fan
Posted: January 4th, 2015, 6:34am Report to Moderator
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no problem

glad i could help
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INTS
Posted: January 4th, 2015, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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I am not afraid to admit if I wrote a shit.
Things happens and sometimes we all write a shit,  even you Dustin.
But the problem is that we got  too many good writers who can't admit they wrote a shit. So we got rubbish movies on our screens. Manly because writers are arrogant or spend so much time on their script their forced to defend their shit and carry on. If you do production then you know what I'm talking about.

Are you arrogant?  
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