Empyrean by Kenneth Dyson - Sci Fi, Fantasy - After a cataclysmic event, a young woman wakes up in an underground facility hundred years later in a post-apocalyptic world with no memory. 102 pages - pdf, format

Interesting premise in the logline, you could add a little more conflict though but interesting none the less. I'm thinking about giving it a go but only if the writer is around. Are you?

I just skimmed the first 5-6 pages and I am seeing quiet a few camera directions. If I were a $5 a month script consultant on the web, I'd tell you that this reeks of amateur and that you're breaking a fundamental rule for spec scripts. But since I'm not, I'll just say that those camera directions (as well as the "we see" instances) are redundant (and can also also disrupt the read and take the reader out of the story).

Example:

Quoted from Page 1 THE OLD MAN'S POV: he stares at a vast and foreboding desert in the US. Nevada, New Mexico, Arizona, God only knows.

Take out "THE OLD MAN'S POV:" and you've got:

Quoted from Page 1 He stares at a vast and foreboding desert in the US. Nevada, New Mexico, Arizona, God only knows.

See what I mean? It's still the same scene.

Another thing, what exactly is foreboding about the desert? I mean, presumedly it's just sand and rocks, maybe a few cacti, right? Show us what's foreboding about it - don't tell us.

Kenneth,

I'm going to add a little bit more to what sniper said. Before that, here's a super quick off-topic comment: If I wrote my first script and submitted it to Simply Scripts, I would be checking it every hour for feedback. Then I would get really angry that my script wasn't amazing. Maybe it's just me.

Moving right along... here's a flower bud:

A woman awakens in a post-apocalyptic world on the brink of extinction and is hunted by _________ as she struggles to figure out _________ with only _____ days or hours on her side.

See with this you have a cinematic edge, your logline sounds like a short story. When you write a script you are writing a movie, and it's surprisingly easy to forget the fact. I'm guilty of it, you're guilty of it and so are professionals.

Another helpful hint:

EXT. DESERT - DAY

DR. PLATT, 60s, squints with steely gray eyes that appear vacant like the landscape before him.

There are better ways to introduce a character, but at least my example is succinct and gives the essence of that character.

I'd agree that the desert were foreboding if there was a hundred yard pentagram lined in the sand, or if there were dead babies everywhere, but there's isn't either of those things so using that word in this situation is inaccurate language.

After you introduce Dr. Anthony they have a conversation that is poorly researched, on the nose and an exposition dump all in one. I stopped right there.

Read a produced script every day for the next three months while working on your own. Then read Screenplay by Sid Field, followed by making a good script great by Linda Seger. Then read save the cat. Then completely fucking forget about all of it and keep writing. When you're not writing, read. Not just screenplays, everything. Anything that sucks you in. Most importantly write from your heart. Write something that you truly care about.

If you're seriously interested in becoming a writer, then this website is a good platform. You get to network with a shit ton of people from around the planet. It's a mega sized writer's group at your fingertips. Don't take it for granted.

Another good site is scriptshadow, if you want to write material that sells and if you're into the whole brevity thing.