SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 18th, 2024, 11:31pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Hellplasm Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Hellplasm  (currently 2556 views)
Don
Posted: December 6th, 2014, 10:49am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
Hellplasm by Rob Barkan - Horror - A college paranormal society's TV show ratings plummet after ghost-devouring demons invade their town, turning the team's fight to save their show into an epic battle when the demons turn to human prey. 91 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (12 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 13th, 2019, 2:42pm
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Rob Barkan
Posted: December 9th, 2014, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
18
Posts Per Day
0.01
Logline Revision:

A college paranormal society's reality TV ratings plummet after ghost-devouring demons invade their town, turning the team's fight to save their show into an epic battle when the demons switch to human prey.

Thank you to everyone who read this screenplay.

Rob Barkan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 8
DustinBowcot
Posted: December 21st, 2014, 4:03am Report to Moderator
Guest User



The good news is, it's written fine. So you just need to sell people on your story and characters. Well done.

Not sure if that's what you wanted to hear. I'm just far too busy to read the entire thing. You don't have to pay me back, I already know how to write a screenplay.

Be good for some other regular members here to do a swap though. The 95 pages of this script should go by pretty swiftly.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 8
Rob Barkan
Posted: December 21st, 2014, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
18
Posts Per Day
0.01
Quite a compliment coming from you, Dustin.  Made my day!

Rob
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 8
LuisAnthony
Posted: May 11th, 2017, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
106
Posts Per Day
0.03
Ok, So Iīve read the first five pages and here are a few notes.

I really loved the opening scene with the ghost kids. I donīt know how much of that tone bleeds through the rest of the story, but it does paint a very intriguing, creative and vivid picture, so good job with that.

Something that I also would like to note is the writing style, i very much like the way you build the action lines.

I noticed the first mistake on the second page.

Code

 ADAM, 20s, founder and leader of the Carling
College Paranormal Society. Serious, passionate about his
work. 



Remember, screenwriting is all about showing, not telling, at least when it comes to the action lines. Donīt tell us in the description that heīs passionate about his job, if the character development is good enough, we will come to that conclusion. Also, there is no way the audience could see that heīs the leader of the Carling College Paranormal Society just by looking at him. I would suggest revealing that information in a visual way, maybe a close up on a badge or reveal that infomation through dialogue later on. In conclusion, donīt tell the readers what they canīt see, action lines are solely for things that are visual. I hope I made sense

Code

ADAM (O.S.)
(in Ben's headset)
You forgot to say mike check.
BEN
Mike. Check. Mike placed itself
in crawl space. Feelings hurt.
ADAM (O.S.)
(in Ben's headset)
Geek.
BEN
What did you just call me?



I like this, itīs quick, witty and gives us insight to the way the characters interact and their personalities.

I really enoyed the beginning, Iīll give you more feedback if I continue.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 8
TonyDionisio
Posted: May 11th, 2017, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.20
2.5 year old thread. Your review may be falling on deaf ears. I'd pick something newer to review and help people with.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 8
LuisAnthony
Posted: May 11th, 2017, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
106
Posts Per Day
0.03
Thanks!! I didn't even notice the date, I just saw that it was on the Unproduced page and assumed it was one of the new ones lol. Thank you.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 8
Don
Posted: May 12th, 2017, 6:32am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94

Quoted from TonyDionisio
2.5 year old thread. Your review may be falling on deaf ears. I'd pick something newer to review and help people with.


It's a revised draft. In the revision history you can see that it was recently updated.  

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 8
Rob Barkan
Posted: May 12th, 2017, 10:48am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
18
Posts Per Day
0.01
Luis,


As Don noted, the latest draft of Hellplasm went up two weeks ago.

I appreciate your suggestions.  Thanks for taking the time to review Hellplasm.

Rob Barkan

https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/rob-barkan

Revision History (1 edits)
Rob Barkan  -  May 23rd, 2017, 12:38pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 8
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Horror Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006