ID by ShaDon Manigault - Drama - A psychiatrist and his family's lives are in jeopardy after one of his patients stops taking his medication and interferes with their lives. 88 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Powerful and poignant script.  I've only read the first 20 pages, but I was captivated.  I will continue reading the rest later.  (P.S. Check out my script '80's Baby).

Id by ShaDon Manigault - Drama - Secrets are revealed as a family deals with the dark side of human nature.  89 pages - pdf, format

Hey Shadon:  

From the first five pages I could tell there is some talent here. I have a few suggestions:

Quoted Text INT. DAVID’S OFFICE - AFTERNOON

You can get a little more detail in this heading (i.e, it's nature). For example.

INT. PSYCHIATRIST OFFICE - DAY

That way you are distinguishing it right away from any other type of office.

Quoted Text DAVID DEEDS, 42, a psychiatrist, is sitting on a couch in his office.

Okay - this is a problem you have throughout the script. You write in a passive rather than an active voice. This first line should be:

DAVID DEEDS, 42, a psychiatrist, sits on a couch in his office......

From a quick glance I could see dozen of places where this is a problem. Go through and look at all the is and ing words and see if there is a way to flip them to the active voice.

Another quick example since it comes up right away.

Quoted Text .... He has a patient across from him that he is attending to...

Should be:

He tends to a patient......

Commas - there are a ton of places where you are missing them. Again - a problem throughout. A couple of quick examples:

Quoted Text DAVID So Mr. Rogers...

Should be:

So, Mr. Rogers...

Quoted Text DAVID So Brett why have you come to my office today? What is bothering you?

Should be a comma between So and Brett.

Quoted Text DAVID So you’re depressed?

Just my opinion, but I thought this was way too early for a diagnosis. Consider having Brett there as part of some court order. Brett could be angry in the following line you have because he is irritated that the Doc doesn't have a diagnosis.

Periods - Two sentences.

There are many areas throughout the script where a period would better serve your writing then a comma. For example:

Quoted Text BRETT Well, those who know me best can say that I can be intense. I can be very violent at times, ask my mom.

Should be:

BRETT
Well, those who know me best can
say that I can be intense. I can be
very violent at times. Just ask my mom

Quoted Text FLASHBACK: Brett is in his room taking a hit from his bong, he inhales and exhales. He lives in a trailer, his room is a disheveled mess. He has an easel at the center of his room. There’s a painted canvas on it. The painting is very obscure, dark, and murky. There is an image of three black-hooded figures with velvet colored eyes. He’s scrutinizing the painting.

First - you are missing a scene heading here. S/B

BEGIN FLASHBACK

INT. TRAILER/BEDROOM - DAY.

And as already discussed - covert this to active voice. e.g.,

Quoted Text Brett is in his room taking a hit from his bong,

Should be: Brett takes a hit from his bong.....

Quoted Text He’s scrutinizing the painting

Should be: He scrutinizes the painting

etc, etc.

Quoted Text Brett hears two loud knocks on his door. It is BRENDA ROGERS, 38, heavy-set, she has a raspy smoker’s voice, very harsh, and irritating.

Generally a good idea to cap sounds - i.e., loud KNOCKS

Quoted Text BRENDA (sobbing) That looks like shit! I bet you love that thing more than me don’t you!? All I ever wanted from you was to be loved and respected. Do you know how hard it was for me opening my legs for money and knowing that every man I fucked wouldn’t give me the time of day to care about who I really was? I did that for us! And all you care about is a fucking painting!

IMO, a bit of dialogue that is way too on the nose. She would never issue a speech like that. I know you got to get the details in, but split it up. Have Brett say something like - if you didn't waste your life spreading your legs for money..

And she responds with the I did it for you.

Quoted Text BRETT (V.O.) And her blood was the perfect color...

The above was fabulous!

Anyway - Shadon - the gist of it is that you are writing this like a novel rather than a script. It needs to be active voice with crisper descriptions, you need to be careful with your grammar, etc. Read some other scripts here to get the hang of it. On the positive side, I think you have a vivid imagination and do a darn good job with characters.

Hope this helps - good luck.

I like your script because I can really visualize a lot of the stuff, but some of Brenda's dialogue needs to be sharpened up(as mentioned above)...she doesn't sound like her character if you know what I mean.

I read through pg 50, and its pretty good, but its just feels like the story is a melting pot of cliche social issue/debate stories(adoption, sexuality, rape, weed/drugs, bad parenting, errant kids). Not necessarily a bad thing, but I got a little bit bored of all the sob stories by page 50...this is just my opinion of course.

Hey Shadon,

I read through the first few pages of your script. I agree with Anirudh, it's visual which is good.
I realized you use the present progressive in almost every sentence in every action. I don't mind the use of it, others will tell you to remove it completely and stick with the simple present. Probably it's a bit too much here. Read over it and see if you can use the simple present a few more times.

Something else I noticed is you have many quite long monologs in your dialogs. Maybe try to spice it up a bit by switching the speaker a bit more often.

Example:

Quoted Text          DAVID That’s the euphoric feeling you get sometimes. You get so zoned in that nothing else even matters, like how you explained how concentrated you were on your painting. At that moment painting made you feel powerful, you felt like you had a sense of purpose. You felt like you we’re on top of the world. You even called your painting a masterpiece. When this euphoria is interrupted this causes irritation and the patient can possibly turn violent.         BRETT Sounds accurate.

You could split this up a bit like

Quoted Text        DAVID That’s the euphoric feeling you get sometimes. You get so zoned in that nothing else even matters, like how you explained how concentrated you were on your painting.        BRETT I think I know what you mean.        DAVID At that moment painting made you feel powerful, you felt like you had a sense of purpose. You felt like you were on top of the world. You even called your painting a masterpiece.        BRETT     (reflective) Indeed.       DAVID When this euphoria is interrupted this causes irritation and the patient can possibly turn violent.       BRETT Sounds accurate.

That's not meant to be perfect here, you could as well use actions to interrupt the long speeches, I think you get the point.

Good luck with it.

Weird and creepy. I'm sure that's what you were going for. Didn't get it as I skim read and then back read. That says it wasn't all that good a read for me but you did creep me out.