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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Jump Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 14th, 2014, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Jump by Brandon Turner - Action, Adventure - Three surfers find a bale of cocaine on a deserted Mexican beach.  Greg wants to run the other way, until Van divulges his surefire plan to jump it across the border, make millions, and buy the restaurant where they work.  Now they have to convince matt, who unbeknownst to them, has a history of supernatural, bad luck.  116 pages - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: December 15th, 2014, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brandon, thought I'd give this a shot, even though your log is very poorly written, and contains several errors.

AS I was reading your intro, I couldn't help but smile, as I began to wonder if this was meant to be serious, as it's just so completely preposterous and over the top.  I was semi-relieved to find out it was a dream sequence, but it's loaded with so many errors, I don't see many peeps reading on.

Your opening passage starts out with an incorrect comma after the very first word, which made me read it several times.  It's also awardly written and at 3 lines long, just tough to swallow.  You chose to CAP "SCREAMING" for some reason, but then not CAP "Poachers" or even "Great White Sharks".  Whether or not you actually name a character, always CAP each and every character's first time on film, including animals (like whales or sharks).

Since there are so many different kinds of whales and each species looks so different, it's important to tell us, so we can visualize this, like you did with the Great Whites.

You need to watch what words you choose to CAP, because, IMO, "SCREAMING" and "ARGUE" are not words you want to CAP.

I read through Page 3, but decided to call it quits.  Your writing isn't terrible by any emans, but IMO, there are issues throughout and what's worse is that nothing seems remotely realistic.

You also seem to have a tendency to skip words every now and then, usually "the", which hurts the read.

FInally, your SLugs aren't working for me, as written.  You need to be 100% consistent, and through 3 pages, you're not already.

Best of luck with this.
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Josh
Posted: December 23rd, 2014, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brandon, considering the opening sequence, I would say try to rethink this as something other than a dream sequence. This kind of thing has been done millions of times, I would move away from this, because it's almost as much of an overused trope as the "protagonist wakes up to a ringing alarm clock" opening. As Deamscale also said, super awkward to read and ridden with errors. I couldn't even really get to page 3, which I think says a lot.

I hope you get around to improving this, Brandon.
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