Richard
Good opening prose to set the scene and characters.
“as Judge reins in the exuberance.”
- I liked that description too.
“Perp, hair loose, scruffy, struts down the sidewalk, high-fiving his friends and living large.”
- I appreciate what you are doing in terms of showing the contrast of Prep, the scruffy hair is a good indicator, but the “living large” remark seems a bit loose and general. I mean, the guy is just walking down the street with his friends. You need to qualify that statement with something more appropriate.
BARRY (V.O.)
When it's hidden inside an enigma.
- The V.O. is a bit ripe, on the nose, with this line being the pick of the bunch so far. Let’s see if you can back it up though. Reading on…
“bloody 'J' carved in his chest”
- Reminds me of the rapist branding in “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”. Was that an influence?
“Every journey worth taking involves risk.”
- How about visiting the Pyramids? A journey definitely worth taking yet there is no risk involved…unless you count pickpockets, hawkers
BARRY (V.O.)
One event can be anything. Two events make a series.
- Alternative for this line “One event can be random, two events suggest a pattern, a trend.
BARRY (V.O.)
Every criminal claims he got caught the first time he broke the law. Every criminal lies.
- I’d like to know where Barry is getting his information from in order to make these sweeping declarations.
“Hands break open the cards and add the Ace of Spades and the Ace of Hearts.”
- Is he adding these cards to the new deck, if so, why? I got the impression he was leaving them with the victim as his calling card.
“One look and the Dishwasher quickly slips back inside.”
- Very odd reaction. Is he just going to leave him out there? Is this a regular thing in this particular alleyway or something?
“addicting?”
- Should be “addictive”
Why not show Barry’s face? Is this a continuing story?
Was there a significance to him using the Ace of Spades as his trademark?
And why did he kill Thug and Ner-Do-Well before going back to Perp? Was there a reason he delayed killing him? Since we’re introduced to Perp first, watch him getting off in the courtroom, I presumed there was some connection between him and Barry specifically.
Technically the writing is ok, it was an easy read. However the story and its execution didn’t really work for me. I’m not one who’s totally against V.O. because some screenwriting guru told them it’s bad but here it’s very clunky and just a bit bogus. I flagged some instances near the beginning of where I thought Barry’s philosophizing to be a tad rich but as I read on his trite (supposed) aphorisms became increasing cloying and pretentious that I just gave up on them, realizing this was how they were going to be. I appreciate that you are trying to be poetic, lending the narrator some eloquence, as if to justify his vigilantism but it’s quite transparent, frankly silly in parts…and doesn’t stop him from being a murderer. The fact that we don’t even know what these people did (except Perp but even then we’re not told the circumstances) doesn’t help us in the sympathy department either.
Grief stricken characters who take the law into their own hands by picking off the “bad guys” has been done a million times before. Of course, there is nothing wrong with borrowing from previous works, we all do it to a degree but you don’t bring anything new to the table here. The guy just kills these lowlifes, leaves his mark, cleans his weapons before starting again under a new identity…the ”2 cent stabber” maybe
The structure you chose of merely offering vignettes of his killings without context, not showing his identity and communicating solely through narration keeps us at a distance from the story, which might be your intention, but it gives events a sort of clinical, inevitable quality which is un-engaging. It feels like we are being treated to a montage of Barry’s killings, like they’ve already happened and this is a recap. Thus, there is little tension in wondering whether he gets caught or faces complications with one of his victims.
Best of luck with it.
Col.