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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Justice Moderators: bert
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  Author    Justice  (currently 1286 views)
Don
Posted: December 21st, 2014, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Justice by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - When a wife's killer walks, the husband takes things into his own hands. 7 pages - pdf, format


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DustinBowcot
Posted: December 22nd, 2014, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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The VO got very old, very fast.

Code

BARRY (V.O.)
When does a cheetah know it's a
cheetah? When it has spots? Or when
it chases down the slowest Impala on
the savanna?


A cheetah doesn't know it's a cheetah.

It's OK... a decent origins story. The V.O is too much for me though... comes across like Sam Spade.
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LeeOConnor
Posted: December 23rd, 2014, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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A nice story here, a few misplaced commas here and there but I'm sure you will pick them up.

I'm not sure on some of the v.o lines, the cheater for example, comes across a bit cheesy.
I mean  I can hear the mans voice, husky and hard, But when he mentions the cheater, that's too much for me.

I like how you have taken a different approach on this and made it into a narrative piece. You could've easily gone down the same route as other vigilante stories, so well done for making it different.

Lee
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: December 24th, 2014, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Richard,

Nice job on getting a short done.

No real problem with the structure ect and the V.O. didn't bother me, as far as this sequence went. But to much more and it might.

After reading this I'll say this story seems like a set up for something more, a feature maybe. IMO there's a lot of different paths you can take with this set up. But that's up to your imagination.

Nice job over all.

HH


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RichardR
Posted: December 31st, 2014, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the comments.  This was an experiment to see if I could write a short using nothing but v.o.  I think v.o. Should augment the video, I hope it does in this piece.

Thanks again

Richard
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Colkurtz8
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 6:39am Report to Moderator
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Richard

Good opening prose to set the scene and characters.

“as Judge reins in the exuberance.”

- I liked that description too.

“Perp, hair loose, scruffy, struts down the sidewalk, high-fiving his friends and living large.”

- I appreciate what you are doing in terms of showing the contrast of Prep, the scruffy hair is a good indicator, but the “living large” remark seems a bit loose and general. I mean, the guy is just walking down the street with his friends. You need to qualify that statement with something more appropriate.

BARRY (V.O.)
When it's hidden inside an enigma.

- The V.O. is a bit ripe, on the nose, with this line being the pick of the bunch so far. Let’s see if you can back it up though. Reading on…
     
“bloody 'J' carved in his chest”

- Reminds me of the rapist branding in “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”. Was that an influence?

“Every journey worth taking involves risk.”

- How about visiting the Pyramids? A journey definitely worth taking yet there is no risk involved…unless you count pickpockets, hawkers

BARRY (V.O.)
One event can be anything. Two events make a series.

- Alternative for this line “One event can be random, two events suggest a pattern, a trend.

BARRY (V.O.)
Every criminal claims he got caught the first time he broke the law. Every criminal lies.

- I’d like to know where Barry is getting his information from in order to make these sweeping declarations.

“Hands break open the cards and add the Ace of Spades and the Ace of Hearts.”

- Is he adding these cards to the new deck, if so, why? I got the impression he was leaving them with the victim as his calling card.

“One look and the Dishwasher quickly slips back inside.”

- Very odd reaction. Is he just going to leave him out there? Is this a regular thing in this particular alleyway or something?

“addicting?”

- Should be “addictive”

Why not show Barry’s face? Is this a continuing story?

Was there a significance to him using the Ace of Spades as his trademark?

And why did he kill Thug and Ner-Do-Well before going back to Perp? Was there a reason he delayed killing him? Since we’re introduced to Perp first, watch him getting off in the courtroom, I presumed there was some connection between him and Barry specifically.

Technically the writing is ok, it was an easy read. However the story and its execution didn’t really work for me. I’m not one who’s totally against V.O. because some screenwriting guru told them it’s bad but here it’s very clunky and just a bit bogus. I flagged some instances near the beginning of where I thought Barry’s philosophizing to be a tad rich but as I read on his trite (supposed) aphorisms became increasing cloying and pretentious that I just gave up on them, realizing this was how they were going to be. I appreciate that you are trying to be poetic, lending the narrator some eloquence, as if to justify his vigilantism but it’s quite transparent, frankly silly in parts…and doesn’t stop him from being a murderer.  The fact that we don’t even know what these people did (except Perp but even then we’re not told the circumstances) doesn’t help us in the sympathy department either.

Grief stricken characters who take the law into their own hands by picking off the “bad guys” has been done a million times before. Of course, there is nothing wrong with borrowing from previous works, we all do it to a degree but you don’t bring anything new to the table here. The guy just kills these lowlifes, leaves his mark, cleans his weapons before starting again under a new identity…the ”2 cent stabber” maybe

The structure you chose of merely offering vignettes of his killings without context, not showing his identity and communicating solely through narration keeps us at a distance from the story, which might be your intention, but it gives events a sort of clinical, inevitable quality which is un-engaging. It feels like we are being treated to a montage of Barry’s killings, like they’ve already happened and this is a recap. Thus, there is little tension in wondering whether he gets caught or faces complications with one of his victims.

Best of luck with it.

Col.


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RichardR
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Col.

Thank you for the notes.  They're helpful.  The idea for the husband is to kill the perp without getting caught.  So, he finds other criminals who resemble perp and kills them in a stylized manner so the police will look for a serial killer.  Perp is merely victim 3.  the kicker comes when hubby discovers he likes meting out justice.

The two cents killer is born.

Not showing Barry adds anonymity.  It could be any husband, anywhere.  I don't know if it adds sympathy or not.  Perhaps it's the hobgoblin of justice that lurks beneath the skin of all of us.

Best
Richard
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Colkurtz8
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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Richard

Ok, I see why the Perp was moved down to number three on the list. I never got the impression it was as calculated as that though, I thought he was just on a vigilante mission from the start.

The idea of him subsequently developing a taste for murder is definitely an interesting idea to explore but I never really got a sense of that arc here. From the getgo, Barry was waxing lyrical about his actions, justifying them, glorifying them, whatever, I didn't detect much change over the course of his running commentary. Again, this could be a worthy character study to chart in a more focused way.

Your reasoning for keeping him anonymous makes sense and again suggests that there is something potentially intriguing to be worked on here.

However, It still doesn't change my opinion that the narration is overwrought and heavy handed. For me, the delivery of the story, the method in which it is told, isn't the most compelling, instead only serving to undercut any real drama this could possess.

Col.


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