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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Vacant Cell Moderators: bert
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  Author    Vacant Cell  (currently 1642 views)
Don
Posted: January 7th, 2015, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Vacant Cell by Eric Recchia - Horror - When an incarcerated man is given a mysterious opportunity for escape, what starts as an easy getaway turns into a nightmarish fight for survival. 93 pages - pdf, format


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TheReccher
Posted: January 7th, 2015, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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I hope this isn't deemed presumptuous putting a post before anyone else does. Anyhoo, this is my first script. (well technically the second but the first was so bad I deleted it from existence). I'm working on future projects, bettering my skill and craft and I know I have a long way to go. Hopefully someone sees "potential," for lack of a better word.

I want to go back to this and rewrite and improve. But I'm beyond the capacity to truly understand and conceptualize what's wrong with it. I can "sense," it, like a bad smell, but I don't know where it's coming from, if you get me.

Also I can see that the logline I wrote is a little clunky. Would this work better:

"A prison escape attempt turns to an unexpected trap when an opportunity for an easy getaway mysteriously presents itself."
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DS
Posted: January 7th, 2015, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Eric:


Quoted from TheReccher
I hope this isn't deemed presumptuous putting a post before anyone else does. Anyhoo, this is my first script.


Not at all. People will be more inclined to read/comment on a script if they can see that the author is around.

I read a few pages. Here are my thoughts:


Quoted Text
P1: EXT. PRISON ISLAND

ROTTED MANSION


You don't need to use a mini-slug after the master scene heading. These should be combined to EXT. PRISON ISLAND - ROTTED MANSION as you're not switching locations from prison island to rotted mansion. Instead the camera is just going to rotted mansion on the prison island. The ISLAND LAND mini-slug afterwards is right as the camera is moving to a different location.

Despite all the detail on the rotten mansion there is practically no description on the prison or the island. I'm not sold on the surroundings. The island and the prison are your "big" settings that we need to know what they look like now to get a feel of where we are, instead the description goes to a mansion that doesn't seem important at the current time.


Quoted Text
Tattoos,
cuts and mean demeanor detail all prisoners but LINDO REA


This seems like such a "This guy, this guy is who you need to root for" description. It just feels off that everyone but him are made out to be cliche-looking villains. It gives me low expectations and just wonder how interesting the script can even be with supporting characters like this.


Quoted Text
P1: Upside down
crosses hang off the wall and cries and groans echo as a
line of men cross the window frame and cracks in ceramic


I had to read this a few times to get the point and I'm still not sure what the deal with the window frame is.


Quoted Text
P3: WARDEN OWSER
I disagree. You're not a terrorist.
You're not a defiler of women or
children. You didn't kill a man.
You wouldn't be here for something
that tame. So tell me, what the
fuck did you do?


How does he know what he isn't when he doesn't know anything about him? Even if he looks "innocent", murderers and terrorists very well can. A warden should know this.

I'm not buying the warden's dialogue at all. It's hard to describe why dialogue isn't working, but it almost seems comical to me. As if it's forcing me to believe he's intimidating, while his lines are just weird.

I'm off on page 3, not working for me, sorry. Hope this helps, though.
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TheReccher
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 3:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
You don't need to use a mini-slug after the master scene heading. These should be combined to EXT. PRISON ISLAND - ROTTED MANSION as you're not switching locations from prison island to rotted mansion. Instead the camera is just going to rotted mansion on the prison island. The ISLAND LAND mini-slug afterwards is right as the camera is moving to a different location.


Forgive my ignorance of script form, I was under the impression mini slugs constitute components of the overall location referenced in the master heading. I might need to read up n this.


Quoted Text
Despite all the detail on the rotten mansion there is practically no description on the prison or the island. I'm not sold on the surroundings. The island and the prison are your "big" settings that we need to know what they look like now to get a feel of where we are, instead the description goes to a mansion that doesn't seem important at the current time.


The mansion isn't important the current time. I'm just trying to find a quick easy-peasy cheap way of saying that the island use to be owned by a devil worshipper.

Thank you for this one because I went into such an insane amount of detail of what we see inside the prison throughout the script, I never considered going into detail the first time we see the outside. There was a few details in an earlier draft but I cut them out.


Quoted Text
This seems like such a "This guy, this guy is who you need to root for" description. It just feels off that everyone but him are made out to be cliche-looking villains. It gives me low expectations and just wonder how interesting the script can even be with supporting characters like this.


This was probably a cheap attempt to foreshadow the fact Lindo is innocent now that I think about. I do eventually make it conclusive that he was wrongfully imprisoned a few pages down, but I wanted it known to the reader as soon as possible, so as not to lose character empathy assuming he's a rapist or murderer. The saving grace here is that fortunately these side characters are never actually spent any camera time on (oops spoiler I guess), but you're right that I was still cheaply piggy backing on stereotypes.


Quoted Text
I had to read this a few times to get the point and I'm still not sure what the deal with the window frame is.


There isn't any. I indirectly put a camera angle in the script by accident. No actual plot or narrative meaning.


Quoted Text
How does he know what he isn't when he doesn't know anything about him? Even if he looks "innocent", murderers and terrorists very well can. A warden should know this.


My mistake. What I was trying to say was "you didn't put your hand up for rapist, you didn't put your hand up for terrorist, you didn't put your hand up for yada yada." The "lost count" line meant they killed a huge ton of people, which ruled out serial killers and terrorists. I probably should have made that intention clearer.


Quoted Text
I'm not buying the warden's dialogue at all. It's hard to describe why dialogue isn't working, but it almost seems comical to me. As if it's forcing me to believe he's intimidating, while his lines are just weird.


To be fair, I was purposefully attempting comedic dialogue. Or to be specific, I was trying to mesh up funny and scary into a single character. But now that I think about it the manner in which he prattles on unrealistically is too caricature-esque and clashes with the dark tone of a serious horror film.


Quoted Text
I'm off on page 3, not working for me, sorry. Hope this helps, though.


Nah, don't be sorry. If it's too painful don't be a hero.  
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Hey Eric, I read all of your reviews, so it's nice to see a script from you.

I've got some spare time this morning and was looking for new horror scripts - yours is the 2nd I found.  Let's see what we've got...

It's interesting that when one starts out strongly, or at least without glaring mistakes, I tend to just read and post comments later.  But when one starts out poorly, with glaring mistakes, I tend to take line by line, page by page notes, and I'm usually out rather quickly.

Sorry to say, but this is the case here.  I'll tell you exactly what's wrong here, IMO, and why I'm out by Page 3.

Starting without a FADE IN or somehting like it, is just incorrect and is a red flag you don't want waving.  Whether or not you agree with it, you should throw one up in the left hand corner.

Your opening Slug is very problematic and the fact it's incorrectly followed by a Mini Slug is 3 strikes before you've even begun, and it's just unacceptable, as I now know the writer doesn't know what he's doing and mistakes of all kinds will be following.

As I always say, Slugs, can be and should be your bestest buddies if you learn how to use them to your advantage, because they can give so much information and clarify things when well written and thought out.  This is not an example of a well written Slug, and it's missing a time element, as well.

What am I seeing when I read "PRISON ISLAND"?  Nothing, really.  I guess it's a prison on an island, but you gave no visual info following it. instead, you used a Mini Slug for some reason, and wrote a 2 "sentence", 4 line passage that is extremely awkwardly phrased, impossible to visualize, and really just a mess.

I would recommend never using a semi colon in in your scriptwriting, as they really don't have any place in a script.

I'm not sure what this "rotted mansion" is all about or why you chose to attempt to describe it, as opposed to the "island prison", but the way you did describe it is not well done.

Then, you jump to another Mini Slug - "ISLAND LAND", which again, is just about as awkward and unclear as you could get.  What is this supposed to mean?  The 3 line passage that follows is again incredibly awkward and unclear.

Just a quick note on using Mini Slugs.  Many writers are very lazy and don't write good Slugs, and often use Minis when a Full Slug is warranted.  IMO, the only time you should really be using a Mini Slug, is when your action is moving continuously from 1 "room" or the like of a structure, to another.  There are a few other "correct" ways of using Minis, but in reality, Minis are a lazy way of writing - they don't save any space, and they don't make the read easier.  9 times out of 10, they are incorrectly used, and nobody even has a clue.  OK, enough on that.

The Warden's opening dialogue doesn't sound good and it comes off rather cliche.

The next 2 action/description passages are also poorly written and very unclear.  It's actually quite odd that you attempted to describe this mansion in detail, but didn't write a single word about the actual prison and then all of a sudden, "the guards open the door", and into the prison we go.

Your next Slug is incorrect, as there's no possible way this is a "CONTINUOUS" scene.  The guard just opened the exterior door (I'm assuming to the prison), and then, we're on the 8th floor all of a sudden - this is not CONTINUOUS.

And you used another incorrect Mini immediately after the Full Slug.

Your intro of Jessica is poorly done and leaves me completely clueless who she is, what she looks like, or what she's even doing here.

All the writing is awkward, sorry to say.  Nothing is visual, based on the awkwardness.

Absolutely no reason for CONTINUED at the tops and bottoms of pages - complete rookie mistake here.

You never really properly intro'd Bruce or Dereck.

Why wouldn't the Warden know who his new prisoners are?  Why are there so many new ones coming in together?  Where is this supposed to be taking place...and in what century?

All of Page 2 is a complete waste, sorry to say.  It offers nothing.

Page 3 is where I leave.  Again, not well written, doesn't make sense, doesn't come off remotely believable.

One last piece of advice - in dialogue, every single time you use someone's name or anything that is being used as a name, you must set it off with a comma(s).  Every time!  No exceptions.

Eric, I'm sorry if this comes across harshly.  I wish I had all positives to throw out.  I'm saying what I'm saying to help you going forward and I hope it does.

If you have questions or require further detail, let me know and I'll be happy to help.

Take care.

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TheReccher
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 12:50am Report to Moderator
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Thank you very much Dreamscale. As I said, this was my first script. I've taken into account all the nitty gritty technical stuff, the vague visual writing and unfocused descriptions, the character introductions and Owser's childishly bombastic dialogue. To put the confusion into perspective, I was trying to get Owser to squeeze whatever crime the prisoners did out of them by intimidation. Lindo is innocent/wrongfully imprisoned. So I was building up to a conflict that would eventually piss the Warden off the moment he said "nothing at all."
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 15th, 2015, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
I want to go back to this and rewrite and improve. But I'm beyond the capacity to truly understand and conceptualize what's wrong with it. I can "sense," it, like a bad smell, but I don't know where it's coming from, if you get me.  


@Reccher

I opened this when it was first posted, mainly because your reviews are informative.  Needless to say, I was surprised to see this was the first script you wrote... and for a first draft it shows.  But I'm not the grammar gestapo.  

Maybe things are different now, based on some of your reviews.  But this draft, is that of a writer who's not in control of his story. Your storyline is muddled.  I know.  I didn't stop at page#3.  I read to the midway point.  Not that i wanted to... this isn't my type of script, but it doesn't have to be for me to read and try to give the writer some helpful feedback.  

I needed to get a better assessment of what's happening, and it took longer than expected. From what I gather, the prison is cursed, and in order for the curse to remain alive they need an innocent soul, in this case, Lindo.   A soul that must stick.  Did I get it right?

Is it safe to assume Lindo is some sort of psychiatrist?  If so.. give him the dialogue that matches.  Because at the moment, it don't.

I did notice this was light on horror. For me, I prefer blood, guts, and gore. Which makes me believe you're trying to emphasize more on suspense rather than kills.  If so, that's all right. The horror atmosphere, the creepiness do pick up when Lindo wakes up to find his cell door open, and walks out, and discovers everyone gone... with the exception of Jessica.
  
Another thing. your logline is a bit misleading.  Lindo really didn't attempt to escape.   He mentions something to Jessica, "This is where we part." After a quick exchange of dialogue, he agrees to stay... for the time being.

I'm debating whether or not to post more notes.   Being this script is old and you're working on other things.  Will see.

Ghostie



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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  January 15th, 2015, 9:11pm
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MickeyHatewood
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If I can read the new version, that would be great.
I've been trying to write something positive about the earlier draft and it's been difficult.
No offense meant, but it's a tough read.
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MickeyHatewood
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Hi, TheReccher, I owed you a read. This is more a collection of thoughts, than a review. I will read the entire story, but it’s incredibly difficult to get through. Reasons below:

EXT.PRISON ISLAND
followed by ROTTEN MANSION.

There’s a problem here right away.

I know what you mean, sort of, but there's no description and it's vague to say the least.  Maybe have

PRISON ISLAND - ROTTEN MANSION - NIGHT.

What is a prison island? Alcatraz, I imagined.  But then we have a mini-slug of ROTTEN MANSION.  So the problem here is small, but you need to address it. Not sure why you put a mini-slug underneath a major slug.

If you want to show the Prison Island first, which is a good idea, then describe the setting. Then we move on to...

EXT. PRISON ISLAND - ROTTEN MANSION - NIGHT

Then show the mansion. Once we see it, you can describe it so we know what it looks like and how it’s situated in this island. We see a rotten mansion. We can now move to the next scene --

EXT. ROTTEN MANSION - NIGHT
Then a short description of this place as we close in on it. Maybe you have a different idea on how you would like it to look, that’s fine, but it’s appearance is non-existent at the moment. Is it gloomy, large, small, concrete, wooden hut...?

The slug “ISLAND LAND” is not great, is it?

I think you can do a little better than that. An ISLAND is LAND. Isolated land.

You might want to place this scene inside the compound of the prison, or a stretch of beach... but give a memorable name and short description.  Considering the nature of the scene, a rather bizarre one at that,  this should probably be inside the grounds. You can have it on the beach if you want, have it on fucking Mars if you want,  maybe that’s what you intended. As of now, in my mind, it’s inside some compound that I’m imagining. Common sense. But for all I know, this could be set on Mars. I'm spending too much time thinking about things that you should have written.

The first sentence :

"The remnants of an elegant building in shambles; a mess of
black robes, bones and skulls on contraptions. Upside down
crosses hang off the wall and cries and groans echo as a
line of men cross the window frame and cracks in ceramic."

Not too sure what I'm seeing here.  The remains of a once elegant building lay in shambles. I get that... but this -- A mess of black robes, bones and skulls on contraptions.  What contraptions? How? on? On how?  Upside down crosses (small, medium, big?) hang off (what walls? Stone, dust, made of wood?) cries and groans echo (from where?) as a line of men cross the window frame (What window frame?)  and cracks in ceramic -- that last line, I have no idea what that means. You've lost me on that one.  A guy cracks in ceramic? Eh?

ISLAND LAND
Should probably be a full scene heading. Although I'm lost where we are after the opening paragraph. Need to be a little more descriptive where we are.
Not too hot on the Warden’s opening dialogue. Did you even read this over?

“The line extends to the building from the mansion.”  What building?

LINO is in a line of hard nuts, and he looks like... ? Some unemployed loser?

“The guards open the door, and the string of like men stagger
into the entrance void.”

Lost again.

Oh, you mean the string-of-like men... it’s just badly written. Better ways to write this scene. You need to pull your finger out!!!!

“Owser faces the group of prisoners on bench tables getting
handcuffs unlocked by guards. JESSICA MARIEB eyes Lindo as a
guard slams him on a bench table against his shoulder.”
Jessica is 75 and a former WWF competitor in my eyes.

Why is the warden carrying out this exposition in a cafeteria... OK I’m sure he knows who everyone is, that’s his job, so this must be some humiliation exercise.

It is picking up, so lets see where the story takes us.
It will pick up.
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