Journey into Hell by John Cowdell - Short - A young, female hitchhiker accepts a lift from a stranger. What begins as an innocent ride turns into a fight for survival as the stranger's true intentions are revealed. - pdf, format

Hi John,

Took a read, a few thoughts, just my opinion of course.

1) If she's in the back seat when they initially struggle he can't really pull her back into her seat, I think he'd struggle to get to her from the drivers seat, so I'd suggest having her in the front seat... isn't that where most hitch-hikers would get in anyway?
2) Jeremiah becomes Vincent on page 7, for the whole page, but is back to Jeremiah by page 8.
3) There's a few typos/spelling errors, worth a quick re-read.

The script moves along at a decent pace but I didn't really get any real feeling for why it was happening or what their intent was. There were a couple of logic holes, such as her getting into the car but not driving off with her ner the end and her not jumping from the car after their initial struggle.

I think there needs to be a better/more defined reason to drive the narrative forward.

Anthony  

John,

Welcome to comment hell.  Should any of this ring true, employ it.  Otherwise, ignore.

This story does not really surprise.  She gets in the car with a whack job, and yep, he turns out to be a whack job.  Now, I know this becomes more dramatic when he ties her up in order to bury the not-yet-dead girl, but it doesn't ring true.  He's got a brother in a shack within hailing distance, and he doesn't deliver the hitchhiker before doing the burial?  Would you do that way?  Me neither.  

So, he does stop, and he does tie up the hitchhiker with some handy duct tape.  Not too clever, but it works.  When he comes back he removes her gag why?  To argue theology with her?  If he wants to scare her and tell her what's coming, he doesn't need feedback.  

And Sara manages to stab him in the shoulder?  Once?  Wouldn't a throat shot be more likely?  It won't be effective because we need him alive, but certainly, she can do more damage.  And then, she flees.

And finds the cabin which happens to hold the evil twin.  I'll buy that, not a good day for Sara.  And she's going to die.  No surprise.  

In a story like this, the audience needs either surprise or suspense.  Surprise comes when Sara finds out that her benefactor is really a killer, something I think he would hide from her for as long as possible.  Suspense is when the audience knows he's a killer and Sara doesn't.  If you're trying for surprise, and I think you should, play Sara along longer.  Jeremiah won't admit anything.  He'll be polite, nice, leading her astray.  The audience might see the long knife sticking out from under the seat, but Sara doesn't.  

I do like the surprise of the girl jumping out of the grave.  Quite nice.  Of course, she can't escape which motivates Sara.  Good work.  

The ending is supposed to be a surprise, but it would be much bigger if Jacob worked harder to be on Sara's side.  He asks about the abductor, he pretends to call the police, he asks if the abductor is hurt, etc.  When Jeremiah breaks in they can even fight for a moment--before they begin to  laugh.  What a put on.  OK, that's probably too much, but if you're trying to keep the audience engaged, give them a reason.  Hide things, obfuscate, give everything two meanings.  They'll follow like sheep, and just when they're relaxed...wham.

Best
Richard