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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Until One Has Loved An Animal Moderators: bert
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  Author    Until One Has Loved An Animal  (currently 2419 views)
Don
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Until One Has Loved An Animal by Manolis Froudarakis (Athenian) - Short, Comedy - Tom never expected to shed tears over a dog, but now realizes the need to grieve. And convincingly so.  8 pages - pdf, format


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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Found a few issues with the writing that I'll go through if nobody else does and you want that.

I did see the twist coming but it's a pleasant story, nicely told.
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Stumpzian
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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Two dog-abuse shorts posted today! (The other one is "Stuffed," which I've read but not commented on yet.)

I see where the funny parts are supposed to be, but I didn't even crack a smile. Probably because Tom is completely unlikeable. At the end, I didn't laugh, either. I just thought, that poor puppy.

Henry



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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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I did the same thing... I still don't quite know what to make of 'Stuffed'.
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Stumpzian
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
I still don't quite know what to make of 'Stuffed'.


Me, either.




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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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So this isn't a zoophilia themed short then?

Dustin/Stumpy -

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Athenian
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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- Hi, Dustin, thanks for the read! Glad you found the story pleasant. As for the writing issues, I'd be glad to have your suggestions if you find the time. (The script is actually an adaptation of a two-page monologue I've written in Greek, which posed certain difficulties.)

- Hi, Henry, thank you too! I appreciate your honest opinion.  Yes, it's the kind of comedy where the unlikable protagonist gets "punished" in the end. Sorry it didn't work for you. However, the guy is not a dog abuser (someone e.g. who would kick a dog), he just can't stand dogs around him. So I wouldn't worry that much about the puppy.
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LC
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Manolis,

A few things as I read - but bear in mind I didn't go through it with a fine-tooth comb:

'Lily is quitter than a mouse” 'quieter'
should be: 'never slept so soundly' p.2
And the burglary wasn’t the worst
part. (delete the 'and' imh.)
And of the late Brigitte Bardot - What?! I know there were rumours - today in fact - but Brigitte isn't dead. Do you mean to describe her as: Brigitte in her younger days??

four leaches  - ooh no, those ones suck! Should be: leashes as in dog-leads - amazing how one letter can completely change the meaning of a word.

'No way she wouldn’t empathize.' For a moment I read that as she wouldn't,I think you need a positive statement not a double negative in this instance.  Something like: 'now I had her exactly where I wanted her' or similar.

'smiles him off.' - that's awkward. Palms him off with a smile or similar.

I found the story mildly amusing - some nice images as always.

The thing is ultimately (as Henry noted) Tom is not likeable and add to that - he also doesn't like dogs.

I'm inclined to think cut the bit at the top with his boss's dog although I did enjoy the lengths he went to to shut out the noise and what happened as a result.

Maybe expand upon that scenario or change it a little so that the dog actually saves Tom's life. Or cut it out altogether.

The main story is about Tom trying to win over a woman - Veronique, it seems - the dog becomes secondary whereas at the beginning of the script the subject of dogs is the primary focus. I think that needs addressing - what is the core story about? It reads as if perhaps you weren't sure yourself and chopped and changed.

If the story is about Tom's antipathy towards canines then I think a good narrative would be that Tom's mind is changed - perhaps his life is saved (by a dog). As a result he learns to genuinely love dogs - and perhaps this particular dog also leads him to the love of a woman.  

Finally, I'd change the title to 'Puppy Love' - I don't think the current title reflects the breezy tone you're going for.

P.S. I forgot to say, (except for 'walks behind a long bush' which I think could be rephrased) this I loved:

“LOVE-AT-FIRST-SIGHT” SLOW MOTION:
Veronique (20) walks behind a long bush. Silky dark hair, big
alluring eyes, full kissable lips. Promisingly bulging chest.

Though the narrative reads a little disjointed to me at the moment it's well worth developing. The images and atmosphere you evoke with Tom and Veronique are really lovely.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  January 19th, 2015, 8:11am
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Stumpzian
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Athenian

However, the guy is not a dog abuser (someone e.g. who would kick a dog)...


Thanks for clarifying. I had that impression because Tom tied the dog to the bed leg and woke up many hours later to find it whimpering. Plus his boss made him pay for PTSD counseling for Lily.


Henry



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RichardR
Posted: January 19th, 2015, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Manolis,

Bad comments are like the gifts dogs leave for you when you're gone.  Take all comments with a beer.

This one has its  moments.  There are writing issues which have been covered, but overall, it works.  The opening explains why he doesn't like dogs.  Then, he has to pretend to like them to get the girl.  That works.  He makes up a fake dog in order to get her, so how about he goes out and buys a bunch of dog gear for when she comes over.  A little shrine to the late OLiver?  Gives all his leftover food to Ver for her dogs?  Guys will do anything for a pretty woman, so have him do it. Oh, perhaps he can even leave some pee marks on the carpet?  hmmm to much?

The puppy at th end is poetic justice, and he has to treat it well in order to bed the girl.  Fair enough.  If you push this one toward the edge, I think it might be funnier.  Good luck.

Best
Richard
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Athenian
Posted: January 20th, 2015, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Libby, thanks for taking the time to write a detailed review!


Quoted from LC
'Lily is quitter than a mouse� 'quieter'
should be: 'never slept so soundly' p.2
And the burglary wasn�t the worst
part. (delete the 'and' imh.)
And of the late Brigitte Bardot - What?! I know there were rumours - today in fact - but Brigitte isn't dead. Do you mean to describe her as: Brigitte in her younger days??

four leaches  - ooh no, those ones suck! Should be: leashes as in dog-leads - amazing how one letter can completely change the meaning of a word.


Thanks! Some of them are obvious oversights, but I'll take full responsibility for the "late Brigitte Bardot" part. I just meant "old Brigitte Bardod" (in reference to her animal welfare activism). She had many dogs though even as young woman, so her age is irrelevant.


Quoted from LC
'No way she wouldn�t empathize.' For a moment I read that as she wouldn't,I think you need a positive statement not a double negative in this instance.  Something like: 'now I had her exactly where I wanted her' or similar.

'smiles him off.' - that's awkward. Palms him off with a smile or similar.


Thanks, I'm going to rephrase these ones too.


Quoted from LC
I found the story mildly amusing - some nice images as always.

The thing is ultimately (as Henry noted) Tom is not likeable and add to that - he also doesn't like dogs.


I don't think Tom needs to be a better person, but he does need to be funnier. Bad guys are okay in comedy as long as they are amusing.


Quoted from LC
I'm inclined to think cut the bit at the top with his boss's dog although I did enjoy the lengths he went to to shut out the noise and what happened as a result.

Maybe expand upon that scenario or change it a little so that the dog actually saves Tom's life. Or cut it out altogether.

The main story is about Tom trying to win over a woman - Veronique, it seems - the dog becomes secondary whereas at the beginning of the script the subject of dogs is the primary focus. I think that needs addressing - what is the core story about? It reads as if perhaps you weren't sure yourself and chopped and changed.


Actually, the flashback with Lily is a later addition. I just thought Tom's hatred of dogs should be explained somehow. Perhaps the scene is too long though.


Quoted from LC
If the story is about Tom's antipathy towards canines then I think a good narrative would be that Tom's mind is changed - perhaps his life is saved (by a dog). As a result he learns to genuinely love dogs - and perhaps this particular dog also leads him to the love of a woman.


That's a reasonable suggestion, but it would take a much longer script, imo. A dog hater wouldn't turn into a dog lover overnight.


Quoted from LC
Finally, I'd change the title to 'Puppy Love' - I don't think the current title reflects the breezy tone you're going for.


The title is the beginning of this quote by Anatole France: "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." But since the reference isn't obvious, I guess I should re-consider.


Quoted from LC
P.S. I forgot to say, (except for 'walks behind a long bush' which I think could be rephrased) this I loved:

�LOVE-AT-FIRST-SIGHT� SLOW MOTION:
Veronique (20) walks behind a long bush. Silky dark hair, big
alluring eyes, full kissable lips. Promisingly bulging chest.

Though the narrative reads a little disjointed to me at the moment it's well worth developing. The images and atmosphere you evoke with Tom and Veronique are really lovely.


Thanks! I'm thinking of writing a similar script instead of rewriting this one. I already have some ideas.

Once again, thanks for the helpful review!

Manolis

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Athenian  -  January 20th, 2015, 8:38pm
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Athenian
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Quoted from Stumpzian


Thanks for clarifying. I had that impression because Tom tied the dog to the bed leg and woke up many hours later to find it whimpering. Plus his boss made him pay for PTSD counseling for Lily.


Henry


No, Lily got PTSD because of the burglary. I just needed her to be immobilized during the incident, otherwise she probably would be hurt or killed. So Tom actually saved her life.

Manolis
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Athenian
Posted: January 20th, 2015, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RichardR
Manolis,

Bad comments are like the gifts dogs leave for you when you're gone.  Take all comments with a beer.

This one has its  moments.  There are writing issues which have been covered, but overall, it works.  The opening explains why he doesn't like dogs.  Then, he has to pretend to like them to get the girl.  That works.  He makes up a fake dog in order to get her, so how about he goes out and buys a bunch of dog gear for when she comes over.  A little shrine to the late OLiver?  Gives all his leftover food to Ver for her dogs?  Guys will do anything for a pretty woman, so have him do it. Oh, perhaps he can even leave some pee marks on the carpet?  hmmm to much?

The puppy at th end is poetic justice, and he has to treat it well in order to bed the girl.  Fair enough.  If you push this one toward the edge, I think it might be funnier.  Good luck.

Best
Richard


Hi Richard, thanks for the read and the comment!

Glad you liked some aspects of the script. I agree it could have been funnier. Your suggestions make sense - I'm going to take some of them.

I appreciate your input!

Manolis

Revision History (1 edits)
Athenian  -  January 20th, 2015, 8:40pm
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eldave1
Posted: January 20th, 2015, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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Nice effort here.

I had a thought related to the sleeping pills scene. I think it would add a comedic moment if he first tried to get the dog to eat them and when that wasn't successful - oh well, he downs them.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Athenian
Posted: January 22nd, 2015, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, David! Well, if he actually tried to give the dog a pill, that might be considered animal abuse. He could, however, think about it for a second, then regret it and take the pill himself. That would be funnier, yes.

Manolis



Revision History (1 edits)
Athenian  -  January 23rd, 2015, 1:07am
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