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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Terror in the City Moderators: bert
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  Author    Terror in the City  (currently 1719 views)
Don
Posted: January 20th, 2015, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Terror in the City by Tony Batchelor - Horror - A young man struggles to learn the truth of his father's death behind his name becoming an urban legend. His soul is vastly becoming overtaken by his father's spirit from Hell!!! 89 pages - pdf, format

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 15th, 2018, 10:16am
revised draft
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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You have a passive voice in your second sentence, see if you can't combine the two.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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TonyDionisio
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

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Tony,

You need to go back and edit this. You have huge blocks of action that bogs down the read and your dialog is too on the nose. On page 5 you have dialog and action bleeding together. What software are you using?

Is the abbreviation A.A.for African American? That's a new one.

Good thing you specify that you own your own incorporated picture company located on the first floor. You can make this movie and overlook the script errors. I recommend firing your proof readers,  however.

Tony
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PabloM
Posted: March 2nd, 2018, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Tony i read and i liked your script; very inbound into the gory slanders of the community, i guess a child molester never is an easy subject to touch. but has a good motion in the plotline and hellish end.
whenever you write something else let me know about it.  You can find me by my horror script curst or the thriller 'On the road
Thanks.
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