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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Karma and the King Moderators: bert
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  Author    Karma and the King  (currently 716 views)
Don
Posted: January 22nd, 2015, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Karma and the King by Brian Ingram - Short, Drama - Karma is a bitch and she knows it. 6 pages - pdf, format


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Pale Yellow
Posted: January 22nd, 2015, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Cute little story. The dialogue needs some work IMO. Not sure that last line about being a 'bitch' is needed or serves any purpose really. I was confused about Becker getting killed too. I'm not sure what part he played except giving us backstory on Seer being kept prisoner against her will. I wish though at the beginning we'd seen her captive as I didn't get that impression. The pay off at the end would be more fulfilling I think if we got a sense of her longing to be free at the beginning when we first meet her. Overall I liked it. I like karma stories.
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RichardR
Posted: January 23rd, 2015, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Brian,

Good comments are like good karma.  Accept them and smile.  Bad comments?  Erase them.

Not a bad little story.  The dialogue could use some work.  The King seems a bit too cliche for my taste, and I wonder what sort of king has no warriors around for protection?  If the seer plans to kill the king, why does she warn him?  Better to give him a message he embraces?  Her brother getting killed doesn't contribute much.  And why doesn't the seer save him before he gets killed?  In any case, everyone loves a good revenge story.  Nice job.

Best
Richard
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