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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Our Little Angel Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 6th, 2015, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Our Little Angel by Rick - Short, Comedy - Billy...Polar opposite of an angel child. 11 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 6th, 2015, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Rick, took a read, just a few thoughts, just my opinion of course...

1) Your title page needs some work
2) I think some of the dialogue runs a little long, maybe look to prune the longer passages. (I do like a lot of the dialogue though!)
3) The ending with president didn't work so well for me, the Bin Laden reference seems out of place if a modern script and I just didn't buy the reactions.

But I did like the humour, the Omen parody really worked for me and some of the visuals are really nice too. Would love to see this filmed...

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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bboots
Posted: February 8th, 2015, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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Great of you to read and comment. Let me know if I can do the same for you.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 8th, 2015, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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No problem Rick, you're more than welcome to read any of my shorts, latest is Glitch.

Many thanks

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Athenian
Posted: February 13th, 2015, 12:13am Report to Moderator
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Hi Rick. I think this could only be made as an animated film, but it's a fun script nevertheless.

Here are a couple of questions:

- Why didn't the parents actually try to kill Billy? They say "Let's kill him", but then go to Father Ryan to exorcise him. Perhaps you could include a failed attempt to murder him or something.

- Regarding the utter destruction at the end: Was that Billy's plan/mission from the beginning? Or did things just happen to turn out this way?

I enjoyed the read. Good job.

Manolis

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Athenian  -  February 13th, 2015, 1:13am
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: February 13th, 2015, 4:13am Report to Moderator
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As Anthony says your title page needs work, plus I didn't understand the tag line at all.

I understood everything that happened and that's a good start. Although this is a comedy it was so OTT it didn't quite work for me but that's just down to personal taste.

Best of luck with this.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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bboots
Posted: February 14th, 2015, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read guys Athenian....The idea of REALLY killing Billy was just a whimsical thought. Glria dies chide Henry by asking "You are kidding aren't you?" In the end Billy turns the tables

Mark...The tag line...Billy...Polar opposite of an angel child....I feel is self explanatory and a revelation of what the story is about
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