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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Pure Romance Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 7th, 2015, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pure Romance by Christine Whitlock & Kathryn Ann Crow - Comedy - What if a klutzy teacher, spurred by her mentor/friend, sells sex toys at parties for women in order to raise money to shelter abandoned dogs, and discovers that her uptight lawyer boyfriend is her slum landlord, who later rescues the women from a serious attack? 115 pages - pdf, format


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AdrianWollaston
Posted: March 24th, 2015, 12:57am Report to Moderator
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Don't number your scenes. Just INT. HOUSE - DAY


Quoted Text
HEATHER (VO)
Sit! Be quiet! Just a minute! Not you!

Only a small criticism but that sounds clumsy.
Maybe: Just a minute. Sit. Be quiet.

As the door is opening.

Sorry I didn't mean y....  Oh Hi Karen.

The screenplay took a big jump when Karen says IF she can't stop the dogs barking she will be fined $5000. Heather suggests a way and the next thing we know, Karen is setting herself up as a dominatrix/prostitute.
We don't even establish whether she even tried to shut the dogs up. Maybe you missed the short scene where a judge brings down a gavel and announces a fine of $5000.


Quoted Text
BRITTANY WADE, a vapid, curvy, mid-20’s receptionist

Vapid??  We get the impression from the dialogue that she might be shallow so calling her vapid is redundant. It's your job to show it.


Quoted Text
Heather nods curtly and walks behind Brittany to the office door

Another small point but walks past Brittany doesn't sound as awkward.


Quoted Text
You and dad are
married less than a year. And you’re
putting lipstick on for some lawyer.

How does she know that it's for the lawyer's benefit?


Quoted Text
ROTHMAN
Heather, I’m just a real estate lawyer,
not one of those bad guys.
HEATHER
Yes, but you are one of the most
expensive lawyers.
ROTHMAN
Enough to take us all out for lunch.
MARTIN
Thanks but Brittany and I need to
catch up. You two go ahead.


The lines are stilted. Try some of the dialogue together and you will see what I mean. Also Heather came to see her father and was introduced to Rothman who she doesn't seem impressed with. Her father says "you two go ahead" and she leaves with Rothman without another word. Not likely.


Quoted Text
Heather and Rothman sit at a table.

Heather looks down at her dog hair-covered sweater.

Aghast she tries to flick off the hairs.

All of a sudden the scene descriptions are broken up into one or two line paragraphs delineated by a blank line. This might appear to be padding and it's also annoying. Don't alienate the reader by altering the format mid-stream.


Quoted Text
Heather steps up to the mirror.
The amount of dog hairs on her clothes horrifies her.

She brushes it off with her hand with no success.

She looks into her purse.

Louie jumps out and shakes himself.

She pulls out her hair brush and brushes her clothes but leaves more hair on her clothes.

She dumps her purse’s contents onto the counter.

Wallet, candy, lipstick, toothbrush, pencils, crayons, papers, loose change, ‘silver bullet’, dog treats which fall on the floor, a roll of scotch tape.

She grabs the scotch tape and pulls at the tape to find only a short piece.

She wraps this around her fingers and uses it to get a bit of dog hair off.

An old lady comes into the bathroom and Heather, embarrassed, smiles as she sweeps the contents back into her purse.

The old lady see the ‘silver bullet’ and her eyes widen in horror.

Red-faced, Heather grabs and drops it into her purse.

She grabs the dog treat off the floor, holds it up, waits for Louie to jump into the purse, hands him the treat, and pats his head.

The old lady shakes her head and steps into a stall.

Heather puts soap on a paper towel and wipes her dark sweater.

The soap leaves streaks on her dark sweater.

Heather tugs her sweater under the tap to wash the soap off.

She sticks her sweater into the hand-insert blower which blows at high speed.

Her sweater gets caught and she pulls and the sweater stretches out of shape.

Was all that really necessary and did it add much to the story? Also, how many times do we have to be reminded of her "dark sweater"??


Quoted Text
With a sneer of a smile, he rolls his eyes toward Heather then rolls his eyes to an amused Rothman..

Do you really think he would do that - unless of course he'd already found another job. A slightly condescending smile would probably be sufficient.


Quoted Text
ROTHMAN
Would you like a light wine?

Light wine?


Quoted Text
ROTHMAN
I’ve been there ten years but I bet my
clients are more demanding than yours.
HEATHER
Have you met the average nine-year-old
lately? Or are your children younger
than that?
Rothman holds out his bare left hand.
ROTHMAN
No kids, no wife. And yours?
HEATHER
She’s twenty-four. You met her at my
dad’s office.

He really is smooth isn't he. Attempts to belittle her very early in the conversation.
I didn't read any further but it seems that she's a bit of a bumbler and he is starting to like her. It's a successful formula that's been used many times in romantic movies.
Maybe that part of the conversation could be rewritten so that he says he had a previous short career in criminal law and from what he had heard about schoolkids these days, he'd rather work with murderers and rapists. Then it might be worth a laugh.
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