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Machination by Keith McDuffee - Short, Romantic, Comedy - Two unlikely lovers, separated by a seemingly impossible distance, plot to bring themselves closer together. - pdf, format
A playful and clever portrayal of romance with exciting instances between characters that make us curious to see how they may find their way to each other. To have mechanical, stationary machines convey real feelings and desires through the ways in which they are capable is the captivation of this story and the humans provide the framework for which they meet. Though humor and vivacity keep the story together and flowing along, the lack of real dilemma and conflict keeps the story in predictable territory. The moments of the machines acting up while customers are trying to use them are the most interesting scenes and where conflict was most presented, but it never manages to explore or develop the characters other than to simply bring them together.
*Knowledge - Half-Star
We are brought together in ways we don’t always expect. Sometimes by the factors of others and odd situations. We should take those opportunities when they present themselves as the machines have portrayed and the human characters followed. The ways in which the machines make their attempt within a real world sets the tone and balance of realism and comedy to a great fashion. While the meaning of the story is well-presented, the depth of our human characters and their world is left out and both become one-dimensional, instead of something more layered and complex that might open more opportunities for conflict, development, humor, and believable connection. By the end we don’t know much about our characters, human or machine, other than their interest in each other.
*Connection - No-Star
Tom and Carla are the basis for interesting characters and allow us to be excited about their encounters, but they are never really explored beyond light exchanges and the opportunities in which to dive into them are used by predictable dialogue and generic actions, making their scenes forced and non-organic. The center characters we come to know are the two machines from their respective facilities and much of the cleverness and developments in the story arise from their actions. The descriptions and actions to represent what the machines feel and want come together nicely, as well as adding to the comedic and romantic elements. The meeting between the human characters is sweet and humorous, but lacks a natural progression for sparks to fly, chemistry to brew, and a connection to rightfully be made.
*Creation - Half-Star
The ideas and the clever use of elements in the story reveal a writer with an imagination and passion behind the story, yet undeveloped skills in the craft and techniques of screenwriting drag the reader along a jagged path that dissuades perception from what the writer has to offer. This story shows a promising core from which the writer derives from and hopefully this is one of many more projects in which to hone their talent and creative sense. The visuals of actions and descriptions are brilliant while the stage directions and camera cues integrated are an unnecessary distraction.
*Perfection - No-Star
Scenes with the machines headline the story and through clever use, bring the story together. Our human character’s scenes are the greatest drawback. They are not meant to be the center of the story, but would benefit to serve the story more than to simply be a framework for which the machines find each other. We never really break the surface on any particular element, though coming close with the machines actions and the surrounding reactions to them. The story remains safe and unscathed.
Summary: By giving depth, dilemma, and shape to the human characters, the story will have a stronger framework around the two unexpected characters that have been cleverly utilized, and with further development of screenwriting standards and techniques this story and its creator’s potential can be more realized.
Although not set in stone it's generally considered better if you don't use stuff like 'we see' 'we hear' and camera directions in your action.
Pretty nipply - Is that a Freudian slip? I see it is lol!
Interesting twist with the machines flirting. I didn't see that coming at all. Although a nice surprise you could incorporate this element into your tagline to beef it up.
Ahhh a happy ending. I liked that, it was different in a good way. Nice work.
And you don't have to visit my webpage for any further reviews lol.
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Machinations
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