SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 9:37am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Clowning Around Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 9 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Clowning Around  (currently 1014 views)
Don
Posted: February 7th, 2015, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Clowning Around by Jason Mickey - Short, Horror - A young girl experiences a horrific event. 6 pages. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
RichardR
Posted: February 9th, 2015, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Jason,

Comments can be almost as scary as aclown. Take what you want from these.

The story is pretty derivative.  Young girl hides in closet while clown kills mom and dad. Deputy arrives in time to save the day, but no explanation of how he knew to be there.  Give the girl a cell phone and it becomes believeable.  Deputy shoots clown who takes three to the chest and then escapes.  Tough to kill clowns. I simply don't see enough originality in this one.  Oh, how does the blood get in the pipes?

The writing needs work.  Try to use simple declarative sentences and positive constructions.  Remember that 'here' is not 'hear'.  Avoid using 'is doing something' and replace it with 'does something'.  

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
Iancou
Posted: February 9th, 2015, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southeastern United States
Posts
159
Posts Per Day
0.04
Jason,

A few points I would add.

1. Don't understand why there are sentences in all caps and bold. Sound cue are traditionally all caps for the sound effects folks, but not many other times in contemporary usage.

2. "A Sheriff’s Department dispatcher appears on scene" -- Incorrect. The dispatcher is the officer operating the radio set back at the station who "dispatches" units to crime scenes, accidents, etc.

3. A woman's slit throat makes the deputy scowl? He should be in overdrive by then.

4. This script seems like a rough draft for a full-length. It lack a set-up and an ending that leads to some resolution. Was the clown an escapee (prison, asylum, ?) Why did he choose that house? Example, that was his childhood home and the closet was where he hid from an abusive parent. Where the old people his family who abused him?

Recommend rethinking the plot and focus to have a problem and resolution. It is too predictable and seems to have gore just for gore's sake.

Anyway, just some things to consider.

Best of luck.

Ian


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
MarkRenshaw
Posted: February 13th, 2015, 5:52am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
Hey Jason,

Typing as I read.

Logline is a bit generic.

You don't need to capitalise an entire sentence, just the SCREAM lets us know there's a loud scream.

Do people occupy sinks?

You don't need to put in camera shots in. That's in a shooting script.

Young Jane is a strange name.

And now I'm confused with Joey the clown.

Sorry, didn't get this at all. Seems like a standard Michael Myers setup but written in a rush.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006