Twin Memory by Nicola Pagano - Sci Fi, Drama - 2050. A man comes back to life through an implantation of his memories in the body of his former and disgraced friend. Unexpectedly their memories coexist, forcing the protagonist, in his search for a new identity, down a road of guilt and redemption. 99 pages - pdf, format

Hey Nicola,

Just a few things I spotted when i read the first few pages.

I would recommend losing the camera directions as I assume you do not intend to direct this script.
And lose the numbered scenes, leave that to the producer.

You need to avoid words like "we see" we hear" "we approach" None of this can be in your script and no one will continue to read if this is how the rest of the script goes.

Its not terribly written just a few formatting issues which will make this piece be kicked to the curb.

Hope this helps.

Lee

Hi Lee,

thank you so much for your hints! I am new to screenwriting (although not to writing) as I am new to this great website, so all comments are helpful for me.

I am Italian, so English is not my native language. The script is a translation from the original Italian work.

I've got so many questions   , but justa couple:

1. In the text I often split the talk of a character in 2 or more parts, linked by: (CONT.) right after the name. This is meant to underline a "beat" when the talk is a bit long ("monologuing"). Is this technically wrong?

2. Any idea/opinion about the subject?

Thank you!

PS: I have already made the changes you suggested, I will post the uodated version asap

You don't need to write (CONT.) as it will be obvious from the context.

Quoted from LeeOConnor You need to avoid words like "we see" we hear" "we approach" None of this can be in your script and no one will continue to read if this is how the rest of the script goes.

That's harshly worded, Lee.

We see's are often superfluous, sure, but if they're a good option to describe a scene why not use them? Produced screenwriters/directors pretty much say in unison that never using them is a myth. They certainly won't cause everyone to throw the script away, certainly not if the rest of it is competently written. If the logline looks boring, if the page looks boring and badly written along with some we see's that are just useless in front of a sentence, it'll cause people to throw it away, yeah, but just because of them if there's a decent reason to using a we see? I'm not so sure. Imo they should be used sparingly, though -- when there's a reason to use it. Same with camera directions, if they really contribute to the scene or are necessary to get your vision across shouldn't be a problem, if just done sparingly.

I think the first camera direction here is fine and the we see accompanying it doesn't hurt the read.

Quoted Text NORTH WESTERN METROCLUSTER - 15th JANUARY 2043 From above. We see a modern megalopolis, divided centrally by a long strip of land free of any construction.

It's a sci-fi script, this is universe establishing. It's a different year, a different setting and it looks different. A quick areal shot is great description imo. Same with the next we approach, zooming in to show the barrier between the city that'll be pretty fucking big, I imagine... an areal shot probably is the best option to show it. Skimming on, no we see's or camera directions in sight, doesn't look like a problem to me. Just my two cents.

Quoted from NicolaP 1. In the text I often split the talk of a character in 2 or more parts, linked by: (CONT.) right after the name. This is meant to underline a "beat" when the talk is a bit long ("monologuing"). Is this technically wrong?

I've never seen your version used before. It looks odd and I don't see an advantage to it as using a beat takes up the same amount of lines.

You could always just leave the actor to generate the pauses unless it's really important to the dialogue. There's also always a chance to be creative with your beats. Instead of beat you can do (coughs)/(laughs) etc. or use a suitable action line to break it up like:

Mr. Crowley clenches his fist/puffs a cigar/stares at the other person or The other person stands up etc.

The better way to format VOICE (MR. CROWLEY) is also MR. CROWLEY (V.O).

Quoted from NicolaP 2. Any idea/opinion about the subject?

The logline left me thinking of two possible premises without really getting which one it was.

1. The "two consciousnesses in one body" angle that's been done a fair amount of times.

2. The person brought back to life pretty much inherits the memories.

2 sounds a bit more interesting to me personally, but there's some good sci-fi & drama material in both. The universe sounds interesting too, brought by the word "disgraced" and the general idea of this kind of resuscitation.

But the logline in overall reads clunky and a bit confusingly to me. I think you could tighten that up and maybe bring some more light on which of the two premises it is.

I didn't really start reading the script now, just felt like dropping in with some thoughts -- maybe some of it will useful to you.

Welcome to SS, anyway, Nicola. English is my second language as well. Go second language writers! We can do it!

Thank you DS for your comments, I do appreciate your help and support!

Yes, the idea is the 2nd one. I agree that the logline is a bit misleading. This is a more detailed synopsis of script:

Twin memory takes place in an overpopulated future where the Elite in power, through an apparent cure program, re-utilizes people's bodies to insert the memories of its own members. Damien, a successful man, dies suddenly. The body that is assigned to him is that of Michael, his former friend and ex-business partner, fallen from grace years earlier because of Damien's actions. But the surgery has an unexpected outcome: their memories co-exist, making the protagonist unstable and forcing him to confront his past actions. In a reluctant journey through the memories, Damien has to own up to his involvement in this corrupt system and the secrets of the Elite. His search for redemption on a personal and social level will turn him into a threat to the whole establishment.

Thank you again, and best of luck for your works!

Why re-utilise a body when you could grow a new one? Isn't there another way this 'accident' could happen without having to re-use old bodies? If the science is there to do this, then certainly old bodies would not have to be used.

This is similar to a concept I first read by Iain Banks, whereby people were downloaded into whatever body they liked. They could even stay within the computer system and not be downloaded at all if they so chose. Excellent.

Hi Dustin,

thank you for this. Both good points but:

1. In such a distopic future for sure we can imagine the possibility of "growing" a new body (or "spare parts", like in "The Island"), honestly I guess we are already quite close to this scenario. But brains (=memories, identities) is a different matter. You can grow a new "body" like yr actual one, where you can graft your memories, but first you have to "kill" tour own clone, then...

2. this cannot solve the "overpopulation" issue, which is the main concern for the Elite. This is, first of all, an overpopulated world where the leading class feels in danger because of the growing mass of people.
The social/political message of "exploitation" (in this case of bodies) was my main target.

The idea your are referring to, it's very interesting and it reminds me of a quite recent (1 year ago, I reckon) movie, "Trascendence".

Thanks a lot!

Quoted from NicolaP Hi Dustin, thank you for this. Both good points but: 1. In such a distopic future for sure we can imagine the possibility of "growing" a new body (or "spare parts", like in "The Island"), honestly I guess we are already quite close to this scenario. But brains (=memories, identities) is a different matter. You can grow a new "body" like yr actual one, where you can graft your memories, but first you have to "kill" tour own clone, then...

Could you make the above point a little clearer?

Quoted from NicolaP 2. this cannot solve the "overpopulation" issue, which is the main concern for the Elite. This is, first of all, an overpopulated world where the leading class feels in danger because of the growing mass of people.

The Bodies designed would have no need for the capability to breed. Why use old saggy bodies when you could have fresh ones?

Quoted from NicolaP The social/political message of "exploitation" (in this case of bodies) was my main target.

I feel that you could manage this better.

Quoted from NicolaP The idea your are referring to, it's very interesting and it reminds me of a quite recent (1 year ago, I reckon) movie, "Trascendence". Thanks a lot!

Here's the guy I had in mind:

http://www.iain-banks.net/uk/feersum-endjinn/

Twenty years ago. Man. Time flies.

Hi Dustin,

this discussion, I like it, it's interesting.

Quoted from DustinBowcot The Bodies designed would have no need for the capability to breed. Why use old saggy bodies when you could have fresh ones? Here's the guy I had in mind: http://www.iain-banks.net/uk/feersum-endjinn/ Twenty years ago. Man. Time flies.

That was not quite the idea behind my script, it's more like Trascendence, as said. But ok thank you for letting me know that.

I am interested in your "option". If I get it right, you mean that instead of "real living person", the Elite people could have their clones, ready to use for grafting memories/identity when they die. Am i right?

I do you imagine these clones? Do they live or are they hiberneted (some kind of "sleepers"), so they don't need food etc?

This is not exactly what I wanted to tell in my story (the aim is social and political as said), but your objection makes sense, so I need to understand where it may lead.

Thanks!

Quoted from NicolaP That was not quite the idea behind my script, it's more like Trascendence, as said. But ok thank you for letting me know that.

I haven't seen that yet. I think I've said too much. Best to let you tell your own story. Good luck.