A Change of Heart by Demetrius Harris - Short, Comedy - A desperate virgin's excursion to a dive bar yields unexpected results. 8 pages - pdf, format

This was an easy read. Very straight forward.

The dialog in this flows really well. You told us it's a comedy and it truely is - Dennis is a lot of fun and overall there are a lot of funny lines - the whole I'm a virgin thing and part about Fluffles. THe last line is a hoot. The premise is kind of funny too.

I have a short by this title as well by the way.

The only thing is - I didn't understand the ending. What did she do? Took his heart out? He wouldn't survive a minute without it. Yet he wakes up to see it in the sink. And because of that I didn't understand her motive. I didn't understand who she was and why she was calling those guys - I don't know anything about her and what she really did to him. I wish there was more clarity there.

I didn't like Dennis' lines about the cat when he tells Tracey how well he understands his cat. I think you could have him say something funny and out of this world since he's so crazy all the time. And you could describe Dennis a bit more. Sad-sack is not much. I invision him short bald and plump. Is he?

A dive bar? At first I read that as being a rundown bar, a dive. Now I'm thinking it's something to do with stage diving? Just my initial thoughts from reading the log.

Code DENNIS I’ll be quick, I swear.

LOL... as though that would honestly sway her. The opposite would probably work.

I chuckled through much of that. I could point out this or that technically wrong, but it doesn't matter. Great story.

A consider from me at least. I still need to digest it properly... look for the subtlety. Could even be a recommend yet... but at least a consider for now.

She gave him a new heart, Kham.


She was going to kill him and harvest his organs, but instead she gave him a new heart to replace the one that was going to fail.


This was an easy enough read. The jokes and the characterisation of Dennis cheapened it a little for me. Made it hard for me to take the story seriously. Conversely, at no point did it actually amuse me. Maybe because she is behaving so realistically. It would have worked better if the tone was darker and more forbidding....that would have emphasised the twist more.

Dennis's last line was pretty good.

Oh, okay, thanks Rick.

In this case it's a pretty good story and builds up really well. I still wish to know more about her - I wouldn't understand what she did if I watched it. And if I saw her really pitty him and heard her change her mind I would.
But it's a really good one nonetheless.

Wow- this OWC is going to be a tough choice for me.  I've read four... already like the majority of them.  What, did everyone have a special injection of dark comedy for this particular OWC round?

Great dark comedic banter.  (I LOVE the line about 'learning not to pick up crying 40 year old men back in high school.)  Not to mention the Fluffers riffs.  This one just worked on all levels.  Great capper line at the end, too.  

Really enjoyed this!  

That's wasn't what I expected, ina good way.

Nicely handled. I wasn't wholly sure what they did at the end etc, or why, but he lost his cherry - he thinks - so that's good.

Nice effort.

I like it. Not all of it, but much of it.

First, I would change your author name on the title page. It tipped me off early where you were going, and I don't like to be tipped off.

My landlord will eat my cat is funny...sort of. Kind of a cheap laugh that really isn't worth it.

And Dennis is a 37-year-old virgin. I guess we accept that because of Steve Carrell. But I'd give Dennis a few more traits to make us buy into it. We know he's a sad-sack puppy man, but maybe a hint of something more?

Henry

You know, it's funny when a script is well written...or even not poorly written, it's so much more appealing and so much easier just to sit back and read.

And this is the case here.  It's well written...or well enough written that literally nothing need to be brought up.

It's funny enough and clever enough in dialogue to work as a quick and easy read.

I like how you took a very common UL and not only flipped it upside down, but also gave a whole new take and tone on it.

I think the very end and its payoff needs a little attention, because it's not completely clear as written, but for what it is, it works, and it works quite well.

Nice job.  You've moved into 2nd place out of the first 23 reads, and of those first 23, I have only this and my personal fave at or above a 4 out of 5 stars - the rest are mostly 0's, 1's, and 2's.

Asian landlord's gonna eat his cat, lol...

I liked this.  Quick and lean.  Question is... what Urban Legend is this based on?  I'm not OVERLY familiar with every one, but I'm concerning myself with the wonder as to what Urban Legend invokes a woman meeting a man at a bar and replacing something that doesn't work... might have to look it up.

Otherwise, neglecting my blindness as to what Urban Legend this is, this was a decent story with 2 great characters and a good premise that delivers.  And Fluffles is a good name for a cat.

Nice job, writer.

I enjoyed this story very much. I liked the twist at the end, even if it stretches credulity. Well written, fast-paced... what more can you ask from a writer? Also this would be easy to film... er, shoot, yea, that the current word. Good job and best of luck.

So far, one of my favorites. An enjoyable read.

I think Dennis should be a bit younger than 37.

Seems like I totally missed this one. Not entirely sure if I agree with peeps saying the writing is fine, definitely could be a lot better -- but if it floats everybody else's boat, then there's not much to say.

Not a bad effort, quick to read without excess clutter -- something that's been plagued in the OWC. Not sure if I understand the ending as is, I could guess, but like I said for another entry, I'd rather not embarrass myself if it's not right. Actually, skimming over the other comments, it seems like my guess was right. Definitely pulling on the believability factor, would she really do that? I can't say for certain.

Well done.  A riff on a classic myth about harvesting organs, although I'm not convinced it could happen that way.  Perhaps a trade? a kidney for a heart?  And I, for one, would like it if he was lying all the way along.  He's not a virgin, he doesn't have a bad heart, he's just looking to get a pity lay.  But that's me.

Best
Richard

The best one so far for me.

Well written, very funny in parts and a nice ending. And just when I thought Tracey was going to do something horrible to poor Dennis.

Very good overall, really enjoyed it.

Good luck.