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Teeth - OWC (currently 3898 views) |
Don |
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:15am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16369 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Teeth by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer) (writing as: Hank Scorpio) - Short, Drama - Tormented by violent noises in his head, a wounded soldier must persuade the doctors that it's caused by his teeth, before they diagnose him as insane. - pdf, format |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - March 6th, 2015, 2:17pm | revised draft | | |
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Scar Tissue Films |
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 12:28pm |
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Posts3382 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Very nice opening.
Went on a bit too long for my liking. It's really just a "is he mad, is he not?" story and it was a bit of a grind to get there.
I was a little lost by the end. |
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Reply: 1 - 23 |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 5:37pm |
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Not the way you want to jump out of the gate, IMO. This is dense, and very, VERY little happens on the entire first page.
The amount of ellipses and CAPPED words is grating and does not invite me to want to go much further. The ecessive descriptions don't help and I'm out much earlier than I should be, as the writer may be good and this may be a good story, but the actual writing here is trying way too hard and it's irriating for me...so...I'm...OUT.
Sorry. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 9:37pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Nicely done - I think it could have been shortened a bit. Solid effort. |
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Reply: 3 - 23 |
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LC |
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:41pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7569 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Just finished watching Citizenfour - great doco on Edward Snowdon so this was right up my alley re mood. And I think you did pretty well here - intelligent choice.
I can't find the exact urban legend you're referencing - there are a few out there, but I got the gist.
The opening with the static etc. could be done a little better imh but the inherent meaning and vibe comes across.
Once we get to military man and dog I'm on board, and onto the dentist's office - your guy in the chair - at this point I'm solidly engaged. While we're on that topic it would be a nice idea to put a prelap in this scene with the dentist's drill as you appear to have done on page 11 - would be a good visual/audio - (pretty much everyone hates that sound) and it could be a nifty top n tail.
Code Yellow - patient alert. I'd leave off the 'probably nothing' line - kinda defeats the drama.
Despite his dislike, Hugo ignores Jessica. I'd say 'because of that' he ignores her.
Character name: SHRINK - hmm. Kinda detracts. I'd call him what he is DR. or give him a name 'Shrink' is a bit lazy and because it's slang for psychiatrist I don't think it belongs as a character name.
Those afflicted by such things are more fragile.
Doesn't sound very worldly or professional that dialogue for a SHRINK - at least call it something scientific - symptoms or maladies would even be a step up on 'things'.
Very nice visual with the 'bug' falling out and it being stepped on.
COMMON ERRORS it's flag (its) teams graves (missing apostrophe) - kinda stuck out at me. It's common to do this if you're in a rush to meet the OWC deadline.
Does the dog react like he does because of his superior hearing? I expect so. I'm not entirely sure what information Hugo has and the main problem is I think Hugo's superiors are still in the dark about that as well. Plot wise because of that I think this misses the mark a little and your story's not entirely clear to me, but I enjoyed the surveillance aspect of the story and the military bigbrother type of eavesdropping/mental torture for the 'greater good' scenario. Poor ol' Hugo.
Overall I quite liked this. |
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nawazm11 |
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 6:07am |
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Been Around
Posts945 Posts Per Day 0.21 |
Had to reread the first page a few times to understand, needs to be rewritten to make it clearer.
I actually remember hearing the teeth story a few years back, didn't know it was actually an urban legend. I think we see a parody of it in a Futurama episode in one of the older seasons.
Ending is a bit confusing. So it's a setup? Hard to take in really. I liked the writing and the pace, definitely one of the better entries but it just became heavier and heavier the further I continued. Nice effort, I may or may not get back to this one. |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 6:45am |
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Guest User
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Code Behind him lies an immaculate graveyard with a field of pure
white grave stones. Within the cemetery, proud flags flutter
from defiant poles. |
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Immaculate/pure. Graveyard/cemetery. Defiant poles? You should consider rewriting the above. I read through it and actually quite like the idea. With some work this could make a great story about paranoia. Nice flow through most of it. I think I may give this one a consider. It just needs some work to make it great. |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 1:12pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
It's a good idea. It's goes on far too long for my tastes. Could probably be trimmed by 2-3 pages and that would help this a great deal. I think some of the dialogue was pretty on the nose, particularly by the medical professionals.
Hugo seems like an interesting character, and I liked the twists at the end. Just when you think he's in the clear...
Which leads to my final point. You allude quite a bit to a mission where several of his teammates are killed, but you don't get into the details of why the government is trying to either drive him crazy or keep him suppressed or crazy. I think just bit more detail there would help.
Otherwise, good effort here.
Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 7 - 23 |
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wonkavite |
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 2:39pm |
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Yes!! One of my top five!! (At least, so far.)
I'm not sure what urban legend this is based on, but it's a smooth flowing, well written story with interesting twists and characters I actually care about. I think you *could* trim the "it's not in my head" comments from Hugo down a bit - it's slightly repetitive. But all in all, this is wonderfully written. One I'd be happy to read... with or without the OWC. |
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Reply: 8 - 23 |
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EWall433 |
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 11:44am |
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New
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It started pretty strong. The mystery drew me in. I think you can condense some of these scenes or characters. Right now Hugo exposes to a few different ‘doctor’ type people and gets restrained twice within two pages.
Once it was over, I found I wanted more. I suppose we know that it isn’t just in Hugo’s head, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. Nothing much changed for Hugo. He was pretty sure he was being bugged, and he was right. Maybe develop the “I think I’m all better” beat more. Make him work for it. What was that mission? Does it haunt him? If you had him dealing with that personal issue before hitting the “all better” beat, I think the ending would’ve had more weight.
But all in all, pretty good for a week's work. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 3:21pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4311 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Not sure if this strictly an urban legend, but I've definitely heard of people picking up the radio on fillings... so I liked the premise for this...
The conspiracy angle works for me too, but it just felt a little long winded to ge there.
Decent effort |
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Reply: 10 - 23 |
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KPM |
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 2:07am |
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Posts40 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Serious narrative. The description is riveting. Could picture all of it onscreen. Lots of bad guys ganging up on poor Hugo. Well done. |
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Reply: 11 - 23 |
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DebbieM |
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 7:15pm |
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New
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This is a good one. I think a lot of the dialogue could be cut down a little and also perhaps more scenes of him hearing these 'voices' Written really well though. Enjoyed it. |
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Reply: 12 - 23 |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: February 19th, 2015, 9:49am |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
The air of mystery/conspiracy coupled with dental procedure gives this an unconventional flavor. Sort of like "Greed" plus "The Manchurian Candidate."
No, all the questions aren't answered, but we get enough "static" throughout to appreciate this story.
Yes, it will benefit from a second or third draft, but isn't that the case with any script written in a week?
Henry
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Reply: 13 - 23 |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: February 21st, 2015, 5:34pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
I did like this one but I think it needs some work, mostly with the dialog. For me, the dialog came off really forced and overly dramatic. In some places it reminded me of an over-acted daytime drama. Because of that I didn't really like any of the characters. But I think I would connect more if they sounded natural and had their own voices.
The writing itself I found to be a bit over the top in places also. Way to many ellipses. Like the dialog, the writing felt forced. But this could all be due to the one week time constraint. I feel this story needs to breathe.
Good work though. A good effort for this OWC. |
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