WARNING!!! WARNING!!!
The following review contains everything including the kitchen sink that you probably don't want to hear...but need to.
As I go...
Oh boy...uh...OK, so...no FADE IN to start, but a FADE TO BLACK...no wait...3 FADE TO BLACKs. And we have some "us" references as well. Damn...I'm not liking this at all early on.
A cliche simile, and this is all before we get a proper FADE IN. I'll stay in as long as I can.
Oh man, more "colorful" writing, which is really just complete wasted space and potentially pissing off readers...like me.
And now we have song placement. Damn, I can only imagine what else we're going to find here.
Well, Mr. or Mrs. Writer, you have a voice alright, but it's the kind of voice that makes me feel ill, like an ugly, thick New York accent on a pretty girl.
No page #'s - but on Page 2, you have "cell cellphone"
"like the tongue of a hanged man" - Really? For reals? Man...ARGH!!!!
Wow, so many completely throw away, wasted lines. I can easily see why this is 15 pages, as my bet early on is that it should probably be a 8 or 9 page script, if written properly.
"MAN VOICE" - HUH? Oh, I see, it's actually Ray. No reason not to use RAY (O.S.)
Asides, underlines, the whole frickin 18 yards, as I expected. I just looked above me to make sure a kitchen sink wasn't poised to fall on my head - the coast looks clear...let's see...
'a 6 years old" - uh, no. How about "a six year old". Spell out numbers not used as an age intro and no plural here. And, not surprisingly, she's literally "cute as a button". Oh man...I should get out while I still can...
Interesting, then you spell out the 4 digit dollar amounts - 3 times. Oh boy...
Damn, what the Hell did old Patricia buy in there for 37 bones?
Why does Patricia turn into such a cuntass bitch? I don't buy it.
Wow...they just keep coming, huh? Now you throw in an italicized aside in question form. This crap is just completely killing this read, and it's sad because you obviously know how to write, but this smartass style of everything but the kitchen sink (I just checked above me again, BTW) is just trying WAY TOO FUCKING HARD!!! ARGH!!!!
"...so I can get you out of the car..." - can should be could
I don't know what page we're on, but I can tell you it's dragging heavily, and it looks like we're only half way in. OK, looks like Page 8 - and you throw in yet another little treat - the old elipsis lead into a new scene, but the way you did it here is incorrect and looks silly, actually.
Seriously? Another FADE TO BLACK and no FADE IN to follow, so from here on out, everything is playing over a black screen. Unreal...and then your next Slug is the exact same one we're already in.
"...it certainly just convinced the hell out of her that Ray was telling the truth." - Dude, c'mon now. Enough is enough and this is way more than even too much. I should have stopped reading long, long ago, but I'm not going to. I'm in for the long haul, and when I'm done, I think I'm going to need a shot of Jager...or 2.
More italics, huh? Sure, why the fuck not at this point? I wouldn't be surprised if I see the word "blood" written in red.
Oooohhhh, goody...some double dashes now!!! WOOOPPEEEE!!!
"like grilling lines on a steak" - Oh please stop. PLEASE STOP!!! Please? Pretty please?
Great to see the over abundance of wrylies too. I know that kitchen sink is coming soon.
OMG!!!! Dude, you continue to amaze me. Now, you decide to throw in 4 single lines of description for some effect, but the effect is that you're fucking killing me!!! In the last one, you're missing an important comma between floor and Nancy.
A "barrow"? WTF is a barrow? A wheelbarrow?
"Has the loose board just moved?" -
I don't know, why don't you tell me.Yep, it was a wheelbarrow, alright.
"Like a genie out of a bottle" - LOL...dude, seriously, you're fucking killing me here. I gotta take a break for a second...my gut really hurts from laughing. I've never seen anything so over the top REDONKULOUS in my life!! OMG!!!!
And it just keeps coming!!! Absolutely love the "punched" wrylies...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The hatchet was in his belt? Really?
OMG, talk about overly dramatic writing. This is literally ubsurd!
Nice, a little thunder and lightning in the same passage...and an "unhinged door" Wow, almost speechless here, but not quite.
"up on her feet" "out of the window" - lose the "up" and "of"...please.
Wow, what a harrowing resuce of little Nancy. Sure didn't see that coming.
Oh man...
"She broke something." - She did? Hmmm, I wonder what?
I was wondering what else you could throw in here, and you managed to use an INT/EXT too. Awesome.
"draws back her leg mid-sprint" - I'm just in complete awe at this point. I really am...
I know it doesn't mater at this point, but why in the world are you CAPPING "THE MAN" over and over and over?
LOL...and after all that, you did manage 1 more trick - an after...or during credit scene, and it's as redonkulous as everything that preceded it. Unreal...simply unreal. But, it's "credits", not credit.
In summation, this is a case and maybe the very best example ever witnessed of someone with talent who doesn't realize that less is more and this much is excruciatingly painful and downright goofy.
This 15 page script is about 8 or 9 minutes filmed and should also be 8 or 9 pages in length.
I'm literally shocked no one else called you out on any or all of the absolutely corny, cheese filled writing.
Sorry if this seems harsh or mean spirited, but I seriously wanted to make a point here, because this is not the way to go about writing a script.