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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Dead Star Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 25th, 2015, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dead Star by Gregory Mandarano - Series, Fantasy, Drama - Facing war between two medieval kingdoms, a young lord and a mysterious stranger with God-like strength must oversee a desperate peace summit, while far to the North a man stalked by wolves is driven to insanity as he confronts a plague which threatens to destroy the world. 70 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  March 19th, 2016, 9:17am
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LC
Posted: February 25th, 2015, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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Suggestion: Get involved in the forums Gregory and people will reciprocate with reads/reviews, unless you're using SS purely as a potential selling platform, which of course is up to you.

Re selling and specifically your logline - There are a lot of generic words here i.e., individuals, agendas, betrayal, murder, intrigue - and then an obscure unforeseen danger, an oblique reference to the 'north' - and the entire world.

The thing is if I need to look up the genre you've posted under and ask you what your story is about after I've read your logline that generally indicates your logline needs some work, and it does. Your log should tease and tempt me to want to open that script straight away.

Just trying to help...


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GregoryM
Posted: February 25th, 2015, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks LC. I'm brand new to this site. Just discovered it the other day and uploaded the script. I found the logline for this project extremely difficult to  create. I will ultimately develop a look book pitch for the project. It is adapted from my published novel with the same title, which would cover the first season of the show. I found it challenging to formulate a logline that properly highlights the show's arc without unnecessarily referencing things that dont occur in the pilot, or focusing on the pilot too much without giving enough attention to the direction of the show. Loglines were never my strong suit. If anyone does read it, i'd be interested to see what direction they'd think the logline should take.

I posted the cover and a link to the book here:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-books/m-1424335734/
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LC
Posted: February 25th, 2015, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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No problem, Gregory. There's a plethora of info on the net on how to write your logline.

Basically it needs to be a one/two sentence teaser/summing up of your plot and it's the first point of 'selling' your story so it's important.

Don't focus on what's not in your pilot ep.

Here's one we're all familiar with, well most of us are:

Romeo and Juliet: In medieval Italy a young man falls in love with the daughter of a sworn enemy. They elope with tragic consequences.

Lots of gaps there for a full story to unfold but in that one line we get the gist of the story we've been promised - protag/antag/hook/setup and most importantly the stakes - and we're enticed to read.

Even if you have a 'lookbook' you still need to be able to sell your story in words in about thirty seconds to a minute (sometimes longer), if a producer asks.

Do some reading specifically re screenplay loglines and pitching and you'll get the hang of it.

P.S. That blurb on the back of your book is much more like a logline and much more enticing, and it tells me much more than what you've posted above. Refine that and you'll be on your way.



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GregoryM
Posted: February 25th, 2015, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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I subscribe to the Scriptshadow formation of a logline, where the most important elements are Goals, Stakes, and Urgency. Granted the logline for this script doesn't exactly fit the bill when it comes to GSU. What trips me up with this script is the pilot follows three independent POV characters, so it's hard to bring focus to all three of them in a logline. I could do two - as a rough example:

Dead Star - LOGLINE: After a decade away from home, a young lord must oversee his uncle's peace summit in the wake of two opposing armies, while far to the North, a man loses his sanity as he evades a pack of wolves, desperate to return with dire news of an impending Doom before it is too late.

Better? But much longer, and still missing the stranger...

Honestly, I like the new one I just wrote a lot better.
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RichardD
Posted: March 3rd, 2015, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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I hear ya Gregory, the logline gives me fits sometimes too. I see that you re-wrote a shorter one and you really like it a lot. It's a good feeling, isn't it?

LC i also thank you for that advice.
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DS
Posted: March 4th, 2015, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Welcome to Simply, Gregory.

The premise sounds interesting. I've always liked complicated universes with high stakes and I'd be interested in reading the script, but I'm vary of SendSpace. From what I've read the site isn't malware in itself, but features advertisements with a "download" message that are. Based on a Google search I did now there are reports of it going back to 2010... and still going on in 2015. Here's an informative Reddit thread from 2013:

https://www.reddit.com/r/netsec/comments/1hj3hy/sendspace_is_sending_targeted_malware/

I can't speak for how accurate they are, but the reputation is clearly dodgy and I don't want to go around playing Russian roulette on whether I'm clicking on the right button or not.

No blame on you of course, I suppose this is merely both a request for an alternative host and a warning to anyone reading the thread that they could want to look into the site before downloading the script, whether the stories about it are true or not.

All the best.
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DS
Posted: March 4th, 2015, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from GregoryM
http://www.filedropper.com/deadstar-tvpilot

There you go. Safe and secure.

The only downside to filedropper is the link won't last forever.


Cheers. Downloaded and I'll read it tomorrow.

Dropbox is another option worth considering. Free 2GB storage, files can be browsed on cloud and you can update/remove the file at any time.
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DS
Posted: March 5th, 2015, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I read it and overall it wasn't my cup of tea, mostly because of the amount of fantasy packed in. Though, I found it impressive that the world was clearly well thought through... the fact that I didn't like it was very likely down to my personal taste. I skimmed through some parts and I don't know about the fantasy genre, but things that crossed my mind after the read -- completely subjective:

P1: Why two different narrators? Will the narrator come in to play again considering this is a pilot? If not, I'd say scrap the first one and have Clique merely give all of the V.O. I like the aspect of his diary for exposition. I was also momentarily confused by the beginning V.O because of the name "Clique" and its actual meaning -- if that's worth mentioning, i don't know.

I liked the idea of the voice of his uncle inside Havik's head. Axe's V.O, I found unnecessary and distracting. There's just something off about him not understanding English, but thinking in English. His confusion would be apparent without it being necessary and I think everything important could be conveyed through actions.

Axe's crush on Keela came out of nowhere. I think it needs more attention on it beforehand to work.

No mentions of the guy who tried to poison Clique after they get off the ship, he '' just disappeared. I think at least reinforcement of his existance and what was going to happen with him would be useful.

The mysterious figure could have done with some character description.

You spent a lot of lines on describing hair and eye colours. Is this because of the racial conflict or to give the reader an image in their head? If the latter, I'd say they're superfluous.

The timeline was confusing after the beginning of act 3. I felt like I had missed a time jump with Axe's miraculous recovery and his good relations with the girls while the other plotlines were still in the same time. The "if you take to farming as you did to our language..." line made it especially confusing. I'd say this could do with clarity. I don't know what you have in mind for future episodes, but I think you could maybe give more time to his recovery and focus more on something else in your pilot -- perhaps on the political side of it all that could get you more attention from people not as into the fantasy angle. We didn't see the other side of the conflict at all for one. I did think the pacing was well done, but this part was really confusing.

Hope this helps.
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Stumpzian
Posted: March 5th, 2015, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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I can't get this. Have to sign up with the host, etc. etc. in order to download? Seems as if it ought to be easier to access if you want reads.
Henry



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GregoryM
Posted: March 5th, 2015, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your notes. I'll answer some of your questions.

The initial narration teaser was added because I had consistent feedback that people wanted a brief introduction to the world to give an overview of the planet. Feasibly I could change it to Clique giving the initial narration, but it's essentially a 'storybook' opening, that would be the introduction for every episode.

Clique's narrating the journal obviously comes full circle at the end when you actually see him writing in the journal. Again, I could make Clique the initial narrator.

Axe's voice over was stressed because I have received feedback that without it, it becomes too difficult to identify with Axe, or fully appreciate his innocence and his naivety. Perhaps it is your personal opinion, I have had differing feedback regarding the necessity of his interior monology.

Axe didn't have a crush on Keeli. Maybe that was a result of your skimming. I tried to highlight that he saw her as a maternal figure, which is highlighted when he tells the waitress that her daughters are his sisters. Maybe that was lost on you? If not, perhaps I should stress it. Keeli mistakes his love for being amorous, when really he saw himself as part of the family.

The focus on eye coloring is specifically for racial differences. The script is adapted from my novel, and race plays a large part in it. The four primary races being those from the West, Midgard, the East, and the Gulgari of the sea. Havik has ancient eyes, but it seemed superfluous to get into it in the pilot episode, when I'm trying to get the plot moving. That kind of stuff would play more of a role in subsequent episodes, particularly once the peace summit begins. My intention is to outline the races in a character bible, though perhaps I should highlight it more in the script, rather than just through description and dialogue.

It's funny you bring up the 'if you take to farming' line. The idea is that time has passed, enough time for him to have picked up the language. The fact time has passed is stressed in that the farm was run down earlier, and at the beginning of act four, it has been completely renovated and Axe can now speak the language. In the book it's made clear he learned the language quickly from conversing with everyone, and I tried to establish that by showing time had passed. Perhaps a SUPER: "Two months later" might clarify the fact that time had passed. I thought that showing the renovation of the farm was enough, and when someone told me it wasn't, I added the "if you take to farming" line to make it absolutely clear that he's picked up the language quickly as time went by.

As for the disappearance of Wodkins. I underlined the GREEN BANDANA as a prop, both for the reader to identify the wiry sailor (wodkins) as being the man who mentioned the shark fin soup in act 1, and at the end of Act 3, Clique hands the green bandana to his father when asked what he meant by the fact someone already tested his skills and failed. Maybe I should highlight that more?

If you're interested, I could provide you with a synopsis for the entire plotted season of the show so that you could see where it's going, and get deeper understanding into why I don't get into certain things too much. There is a lot of 'setting up', and essentially the pilot episode is all about establishing Havik's journey and madness at the unknown events in the barrens, the introduction of Axe, and the introduction of Clique, and the upcoming politics of the peace summit. There is a tremendous amount of material, and I did my best in setting up mystery boxes without overwhelming the reader with too much exposition.

After reading your comments, I'm mostly curious as to whether or not the initial narration is confusing, which is meant to be a show opener, and whether or not I need to highlight the fact Axe views Keeli as a mother, and the time jump for Axe.

Thanks for taking the time to comment.
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DS
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Quoted from GregoryM
Thanks for your notes. I'll answer some of your questions.

The initial narration teaser was added because I had consistent feedback that people wanted a brief introduction to the world to give an overview of the planet. Feasibly I could change it to Clique giving the initial narration, but it's essentially a 'storybook' opening, that would be the introduction for every episode.

Clique's narrating the journal obviously comes full circle at the end when you actually see him writing in the journal. Again, I could make Clique the initial narrator.


I didn't read into any of this as a problem, it was merely a suggestion and I can see you have a good idea about what would happen in subsequent episodes.


Quoted from GregoryM
Axe's voice over was stressed because I have received feedback that without it, it becomes too difficult to identify with Axe, or fully appreciate his innocence and his naivety. Perhaps it is your personal opinion, I have had differing feedback regarding the necessity of his interior monology.


I'll side with it being unnecessary. And everything I say is just personal opinion.


Quoted from GregoryM
The focus on eye coloring is specifically for racial differences. The script is adapted from my novel, and race plays a large part in it. The four primary races being those from the West, Midgard, the East, and the Gulgari of the sea. Havik has ancient eyes, but it seemed superfluous to get into it in the pilot episode, when I'm trying to get the plot moving. That kind of stuff would play more of a role in subsequent episodes, particularly once the peace summit begins. My intention is to outline the races in a character bible, though perhaps I should highlight it more in the script, rather than just through description and dialogue.


Gotcha. It was actually pretty clear that the eye colours seemed relevant.




Quoted from GregoryM
As for the disappearance of Wodkins. I underlined the GREEN BANDANA as a prop, both for the reader to identify the wiry sailor (wodkins) as being the man who mentioned the shark fin soup in act 1, and at the end of Act 3, Clique hands the green bandana to his father when asked what he meant by the fact someone already tested his skills and failed. Maybe I should highlight that more?


Ah! Must have been my skimming. Nice and subtle, I like it.


Quoted from GregoryM
It's funny you bring up the 'if you take to farming' line. The idea is that time has passed, enough time for him to have picked up the language. The fact time has passed is stressed in that the farm was run down earlier, and at the beginning of act four, it has been completely renovated and Axe can now speak the language. In the book it's made clear he learned the language quickly from conversing with everyone, and I tried to establish that by showing time had passed. Perhaps a SUPER: "Two months later" might clarify the fact that time had passed. I thought that showing the renovation of the farm was enough, and when someone told me it wasn't, I added the "if you take to farming" line to make it absolutely clear that he's picked up the language quickly as time went by.



Quoted from GregoryM
Axe didn't have a crush on Keeli. Maybe that was a result of your skimming. I tried to highlight that he saw her as a maternal figure, which is highlighted when he tells the waitress that her daughters are his sisters. Maybe that was lost on you? If not, perhaps I should stress it. Keeli mistakes his love for being amorous, when really he saw himself as part of the family.



Quoted from GregoryM
If you're interested, I could provide you with a synopsis for the entire plotted season of the show so that you could see where it's going, and get deeper understanding into why I don't get into certain things too much. There is a lot of 'setting up', and essentially the pilot episode is all about establishing Havik's journey and madness at the unknown events in the barrens, the introduction of Axe, and the introduction of Clique, and the upcoming politics of the peace summit. There is a tremendous amount of material, and I did my best in setting up mystery boxes without overwhelming the reader with too much exposition.

After reading your comments, I'm mostly curious as to whether or not the initial narration is confusing, which is meant to be a show opener, and whether or not I need to highlight the fact Axe views Keeli as a mother, and the time jump for Axe.


I'm sure my skimming had an effect on my understanding of it all, especially considering how large the universe was. I'm sure you'll get a much better and informative view from someone else. I do think that you've done a fine job setting it all up.

I didn't find the initial narration confusing and I actually quite enjoyed it. It sets the mood well. However, considering Clique doesn't pop up until around page 10 I'd consider moving his part of the V.O to his introduction scene as the two narrations cutting into eachother like that are slightly iffy imo.

As for the market scene where Axe called the girls his sisters, now that you mention it, I consider the idea that he was being genuine. It certainly fits his character -- but my first thought was that it was a cover story. To truly make it clear what you were going for, perhaps you could put that he genuinely believes it into the description of him smiling or something similar.

My skimming probably had an effect on me misunderstanding the time jump too and I'm sure it would be apparent without a super, but what's confusing for me here is the overall timeline. You have three different stories unveiling while we're being shown all of them at the same time, but when it cuts from Axe's story to Havik's, in Havik's story only so little time has passed compared to months in Axe's story.

I can see how Clique's story ties into Havik's and vice versa and that they're happening at the same time, I presume at least. But I don't see how Axe's fits into this story at all, especially if it happens in a completely different time. I believe that there should at least be 1 small reference or tie-in for the sake of the cohesion of the pilot that shows Axe's relevance and a few supers or flashbacks noted in slugs probably wouldn't do any harm either.

Just my thoughts.
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GregoryM
Posted: March 6th, 2015, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Perhaps I should simply make it clear in Axe's storyline that they are IN MIDGARD.

Also while I cut back and forth so that the three storylines seem to be happening simultaneously, the time lines are all actually diverse.

By the time Clique arrives at Stormbreaker Stronghold, Axe has been there for several months as a member of the Royal Huntsman, after having been taken in as a result of his martial prowess after being a freelance vigilante in the area.

Havik's scenes where he's fleeting the wolves, actually takes place a full 2-3 months before Clique's timeline.

In the book the time is made (sort of) clear by the fact that they're anticipating the Rat's Moon, which is the twentieth anniversary of the peace, and when the summit is to take place. For Havik they want to return to the realm by the rats moon, which is a 2-3 month journey, and for clique he needs to get to the stronghold before the rat's moon as well, but once he is at his fathers, it's just about 10 days away.

Interestingly enough, the FIRST CHAPTER for Havik takes place just as it did in the pilot, but the subsequent five chapters for Havik are ALL a flashback of what happened in the Barrens. Then the final chapter of the book is him wkaing up in the snow and making it back (or not) to the ship.

It all does tie together, and honestly the timeline isn't really THAT important. just as long as, if it ever got brought to production, people think it's cool, and not confusing, that in episode 2 Axe is at the stronghold and has been for a while.

--Thanks for your response again - I will DEFINITELY add into the script that Axe is being genuine when he says they're his sisters. I never even considered that someone would read it as being a cover story.

I'll also spend a bunch more time trying to figure out a smoother way to handle the voice over narration.

I figure VISUALLY it would make perfect sense. Everyone watches this intro sequence (a'la game of thrones) with a voice over and pictures of the planets and whatnot - then it shifts into the story itself, which starts with a guy writing in a journal and saying some stuff - then picking up with Havik on the cliff talking to himself.

The voices would sound different, and it'd be pretty clear. I COULD introduce Clique immediately at the start of the script, but it's too many character intros too fast. And I really like the book-end of Clique writing in the journal at the start and finish.

Kind of a catch 22.
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GregoryM
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Logline: Facing war between two medieval kingdoms, a young lord and a mysterious stranger with God-like strength must oversee a desperate peace summit, while far to the North a man stalked by wolves is driven to insanity as he confronts a plague which threatens to destroy the world.

Why You Should Read: Comparable to Game of Thrones, Dead Star is a unique take on the fantasy drama genre. It incorporates fast pacing, two centralized locations, ever increasing stakes, a heavy focus on magical artifacts, and a world threat spearheaded by a singular God-like villain. Leo Tolstoy said that all great literature is one of two stories; a man goes on a journey or a stranger comes to town. Dead Star embraces this adage with all three of its protagonists: one a man at the end of his journey, one a man at the start of his journey, and the third a mysterious stranger with no memory of his past. Their arcs all brought together by one single unifying theme; The Technology of Man vs Magic of the Gods. Dead Star is adapted from my published novel Dead Star: Frozen Magic, and I am thrilled to be given the opportunity to share it with all of you.

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