SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:11pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Time to Grow Up Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 13 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Time to Grow Up  (currently 1047 views)
Don
Posted: February 25th, 2015, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Time to Grow Up by Brandon Batista - Short, Sci Fi - After taking time for granted, Ryan faces an otherworldly consequence.   15 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
RichardR
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 9:44am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Brandon,

time and tide wait for no man.  All comments come with a 'use by' date.  Use as you will.

This is a simple tale that manages to fill 14 pages.  I think it's far too long.  You take 6 pages for the setup, something that should be done far more quickly.  Your intent is to show Ryan as down and out and feelign sorry for himself.  Get to it.  The scenes you use, phone call, phone call, bar, etc.  take up precious screen time.  Cut them in half at least.  Easily done if Ryan doesn't answer his phone. Checks caller ID and takes a message.  

while I like Father Time, I think he should be shorter snappier.  Quick and easy.  

Ryan gets out of his predicament far too easily.  All he has to do is pour out a bottle, do some cleanup, toss some mementos?  That's hardly payment for the problem he's caused.  Can you make the solution more difficult for him?  Just a thought.

Your dialogue is wordy and too direct.  If Ryan and Bryce are such good friends, then let them use shorthand in their dialogue.  They don't speak in full sentences.  They talk in phrases and words.  Mom talks around the topic, as good mothers do.  

Your writing could use some editing.  'is sitting' should probably be 'sits', 'appears to be staring' becomes 'stares', 'glances over' becomes 'glances', 'drops down' becomes 'drop'.  Try to do away with two-word actions.  Find the one right word that expresses your thought.  

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
13thChamber
Posted: April 2nd, 2015, 1:04am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
88
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hey,

This wasn't bad. It reminded of a film I seen a few years back (the time freezing part). Honestly, it kept me reading till the end. I could definitely relate to the character. Only thing that bugged me was the picture he put in the box. It didn't seem like he was over it, just doing it to get things back to normal. But, I could be wrong.  If he was over it, that was a little quick and easy for a six month rough patch. Overall, definitely a smooth read with a good message. I liked it. Keep it up.


13th
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006