Solo by Lee O'Connor - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - An astronaut sets out on a mission from NASA to Saturn's moon, Titan. Going into hyper-sleep he finds himself somewhere other than his expected destination. 18 pages - pdf, format

Lee,

Most comments should float into the ether of space, never to be heard from again.  Grab these at your risk.

First, this is an ambitious effort, and I commend you for that.  Notes as I read.

In a small craft in the depths of space there would be no gravity.  He wouldn't stand, he would float, unless tethered.  I think you might wish to revisit the actions here in the light of zero gravity.

I don't think you need to put too many details about the space craft.  It's clean, neat, antiseptic.  Enough.  Get to the meat of this story.

I don't know how they bathe in space, but I'm guessing it's not a sponge bath?

We get to the little video from his wife, and it's a bit over the top.  Yes, she misses him, but they prepared for this, and reminding him of it won't help him in space.  Better to stick to boyfriends, the leaky faucet, and the price of eggs?

Why does he remind her of his coming sleep?  Presumably they went through the entire trip before he left.  They both know it's coming, right?

And the flashback.  I'm not sure about this.  Make it shorter?  And "I can't image...."  should probably be "I can't imagine..."

Now, the hyper sleep, and it's good.  He's out and things go wrong....ooops..

And we get to the heart of this story, the list of messages, the passage of time that shouldn't have happened.  I like the movement here....message after message...

And he can't figure out where he is or how he'll get back.  he's way past where he should have been.  This is a solid idea.
I'm not sure what is happening with all the doors.  Losing his mind?  passing through a black hole?  Or is he dead?  Passing into multiple dimensions?  I'm not sure here.  

And the last scene.  Is this supposed to be nothing more than a dream?  A glimpse into what might happen?  I'm not a big fan of the 'oh, it was just a dream' solution to a story.  But that's me.

Overall, this is a pretty good first effort at a tough idea.  Alone in space, dead to the world, and something goes wrong to the point where return is impossible, at least return to the wrold he knew.  

Best
Richard

Hi Richard,

Thanks for the read, much appreciated.

Because this is a 13 year round trip, the craft is not your generic one, so it is made into living quarters, almost like home to keep his mind stable. In regards to zero gravity, engineers have manipulated zero gravity to make it more of a homely feel, the effect of not being on a spacecraft. If this makes sense?
This mission will take place in 2020, so by then this may put into a craft by then.

And yes, in space they use a sponge bath. It's overly described as clinical because that is what a spacecraft is, it's not what you see on film as such, it's far more clinical, minimal and boring.

I'm not sure anyone who has a family is prepared for that amount of time apart, regardless if they have already spoke about it. 13 years is a long time, and they have already been apart for two, the emotions are bound to come through.

"And he can't figure out where he is or how he'll get back.  he's way past where he should have been.  This is a solid idea. I'm not sure what is happening with all the doors.  Losing his mind?  passing through a black hole?  Or is he dead?  Passing into multiple dimensions?  I'm not sure here."  

- Yes. He steps into another dimension, the fifth dimension, which is the vision of super position. Which enables Hendrik to view millions of scenarios or paths in his life, this is what he is observing. But at the same time we are also lead to believe he could be losing his mind.
So, is he lost in another dimension, lost in space time? Or did he even wake up from his hyper sleep at all? The question still remains.

Thanks for your comments.

I am producing this one my myself with a very talented team and an awesome set, so you can expect to see this in the film festival circuit later this year and early next year.

cheers

Lee

Lee, I enjoyed this.

It does have a very 'Moon' feel in the opening sequences - right down to the communication with the wife and him with his exercising regime etc. I'd try to introduce something in this opening that is not quite so 'seen it all before'. I don't know give me some humour considering the rest is a bit on the gloomy side - it would add contrast and break it up for what's to come - perhaps he roller-skates around the ship, or paints his nails or makes lego towers - I know that might sound ludicrous but it would be out of the box and I think you need something for contrast.  

I like the direction you took the story and the different paths he can take/did take - did he take this path or that? And, the scenes where they all age and die, with him still floating around - that's really quite scary. If you can transfer some of these great emotions to the screen you'll be doing well - all in the casting I expect.

Overall, this is a little on the long side - I'd look to edit some of that as Richard suggested - there are plenty of opportunities to do this and not sacrifice plot. You've got a lot of typos and punctuation errors throughout the script too but I'm guessing as you're filming this yourself that these errors are not high on your radar. That being said I think it makes you look more pro if you do. They're minor things - your, you're - omissions of apostrophes etc.

Tightened up a bit this could be really something. I don't imagine it'd be easy to make - wow, you've already got a set for this? I hope you'll post some clips/still shots info, on how the shoot progresses.

Good luck with this, Lee, and all the best with the shoot.

Lee

Thanks for the feedback. You obviously know more about this than I do. Last thought. If mission control can send messages, why can't they fix the ship?  Or at least try to fix the ship? If the have no coordinates of the ship, how do they communicate?  You probably already know the answer

Best
Richard

Thanks for comments LC. Yeah the typos etc have already been sorted, this is the first draft and the ending has slightly changed for the shooting script.

The idea of this is that Hendrik is isolated, an arduous journey, boring and regimented. I wasn't really looking for something full of action or excitement just the pure experience of real space exploration. I wanted us to feel his long journey with him.

The set has been sorted, green screens, crew, directors all in place, even a single flight deck area. Exciting times. I will keep everyone posted.

Richard - the messages mission control have sent are in the past, it takes Hendrik a while to figure this out after he has awaken from hyper sleep. His location is unknown to mission control because he's fell off the grid and into a black hole.

cheers for the support

Lee

Hey Lee

I too got a 'Moon' feeling from this but hey, I love that film lol

I got a real sense of isolation from the opening and Henrik's loneliness on his epic journey.  

The panic he feels comes across well but I wasn't sure about the ending.  It's interesting enough and done well but you lost the isolation feel with him jumping back in time.  I just think it would have been stronger with a different ending...I'm not sure what though lol.

A good piece of work nonetheless.

I liked this for the most part, although I found it a little confusing at the end (I eventually caught up). I did not care for this dialogue:

Quoted Text MIKE As you are well aware from the Intel from Cassini, large deposits of hydrocarbon have been discovered on Titan. This is the first stable bodied surface liquid found outside of Earth. Hendrik, we are preparing a mission to launch to this moon. After a meeting with my superiors, we believe you are the right man for the job.

It seemed really forced - like you had to get the entire premise of the story into a single statement from Mike. I would either break it up. e.g.,

MIKE
As you know, large deposits of hydrocarbons have been discovered on Titan.

HENDRIK
Yes, I got the Intel from Cassini.

etc.

The only other hiccup for me was the 13 year journey. I could not get my head wrapped around the premise that a man would leave his family for 13 years. Particularly a man that  - at least from his reaction to the video transmissions - is really into his family. I know it is a real nit - but something like a 4 year mission seemed more realistic. Solid effort

Quoted from LeeOConnor ...The idea of this is that Hendrik is isolated, an arduous journey, boring and regimented. I wasn't really looking for something full of action or excitement just the pure experience of real space exploration. I wanted us to feel his long journey with him. ...

Lee, I wasn't suggesting action or even excitement. I was suggesting contrast. I think you did well conveying the mood you're after of the arduous journey but films even shorts are about pacing.

With that in mind I suppose I just wanted to see something different with your opening - I know it's hard and there's only so much you can do with one character in a spacecraft but I think you have an opportunity to do something with your opening that is unlike 'Moon' - your signature - something out of the box, so to speak.

Feel free to ignore my suggestions. In the end obviously it's entirely up to you, your baby and all that, so no need to even respond to this. I suppose I was just trying to encourage you to do something different with that opening scene. Easy for me to say, right?  

LC you may be right, the script is still being looked over and we want to make this as unique as possible, the last thing we want this project to be is another remake of another. I will seriously consider looking into changing the beginning.

Hi Eldave - when the mission to Titan takes place it will take 6 1/2 years to get there, I wanted to step away from the generic mars mission and add something different. I wanted this project to be real and also an insight of what is to come in the future. But yes you may be right with his family but there has been many astronauts who have travelled without their families in space for a long time, look at Mars, some of them have been there for nearly thirty years without their families.
The point is that on this mission he regrets ever going on it, but this is all up for interpretation as he may not have gone at all.

Again thanks for the support folks, I will consider all your suggestions.

Lee

Lee,
I was thrown right away by the reference to "the nearest sun" being 8 million miles away.  I'd say you're off by 300 million miles or so.

Also, I think the story should be set much farther in the future. No way NASA will launch a manned mission (even to Mars) by 2020.

Look forward to seeing how this turns out.

Henry

Hi Henry,

Well spotted on the "eight" its supposed to eight hundred.

Nasa have already put people on Mars Henry.

Just take a look at the current events of sending civilians to mars.

Space is not a futuristic thing, we already have the technology to go into deep space exploration.

Not to  mention, this mission is a go for 2020.

NASA haven't put people on Mars yet. Unless it was a top secret mission. Obama recently said they don't expect an attempt on a man-led mission to Mars till the mid 2030s.

I wouldn't listen to what Obama has to say there are men with 25 levels of clearance above him.

But yes he did say that.

Quoted from LeeOConnor Hi Henry, Well spotted on the "eight" its supposed to eight hundred. Nasa have already put people on Mars Henry. Just take a look at the current events of sending civilians to mars. Space is not a futuristic thing, we already have the technology to go into deep space exploration. Not to  mention, this mission is a go for 2020.

1. If it's 800 million, the ship is almost to Titan. Still way off.
2. No people on Mars yet.
3. Titan mission is not set for 2020.

Just trying to keep details credible.

Henry