Hey Dennis, I'm interested in historic movies so I'll give this one a read
here are my thoughts regarding this script...
You can cut what is detailed in this script, if it's there then I will see it
I believe you'll needs a super for 1527, but if you want it in the heading then it would be
EXT. BEACH - DAY - 1527 or EXT. BEACH - DAY - (1527)
Quoted Text They stagger with a defeated lean. They watch an empty shore. |
Not sure what "they stagger with a defeated lean" looks like, but the word "they" really ruins the flow of this line. Are they moving or staying in one place? Are they on watch duty or just passively looking at the shore?
Quoted Text They share a glance. They concentrate on Francisco. |
Again "they" breaks up the flow.
Quoted Text Escobar stares a bit to the jungle and its interior. He immediately gets back to his senses. |
"stares" seems like a very bland word in here, is Escobar scared of the jungle or does he hate it, is he mesmerised by it? Got a chance to show a bit of his character here just by simply changing this line. Like you has for Sardina in the next line.
Just a thought I had...why not have a bird call out from the jungle? Escobar would be freaked out, not knowing what it is, maybe he gives the jungle a quick paranoid peek, but Sardina would see this brightly coloured tropical bird and be entranced by it.
Quoted Text He rubs his eyes, stops, looks again and shudders. He dashes out to get a closer look. |
He gives his eyes a vigorous rub and looks again. Shakily he rises to his feet staring out into the open ocean in disbelief.
A bit smoother.
Quoted Text Francisco treks several paces. He stops, right before the shore. Water foams to his boots. He smiles. |
This whole Francisco walking thing was a bit confusing, what did you mean when he walked to the edge of the sand? They are on a beach, isn't there sand everywhere?
Quoted Text This side of the line, the one I'm on, is filled with terror and starvation. And Death |
... starvation, and death. No need for a period before "and", btw this guy is brutally honest haha.
Quoted Text The Spanish finish unloading. A dozen Native allies greet their Spanish masters with a fish in each hand. |
Are they slaves or allies to the Spanish? This line is confusing.
Quoted Text SOTO Ha. You're smarter than you look. |
This bit of dialogue seems out of place to me.
Quoted Text Soto places the knight in the middle square |
This is a nitpick, but there isn't a middle square on a chess board
Personally I think you can tell us a bit more about Manco's story while the Spaniards are walking around the countryside. His second scene is completely pointless in my opinion, it doesn't add to the story, it's just Manco saying he doesn't know, I don't even know what he's not knowing about. Months before he tells us the shaman told him the spirits are coming, now months later, he says he spoke with the shaman again but says nothing.
Quoted Text Apo, picks up Sardina's cross necklace and begins to stare. He climbs up top to a giant redwood. |
action like this can be written more fluently, something like...
Apo curiously inspects the cross necklace, a twig SNAPS as two men lumber through the jungle.
With skill, Apo scales the branches of a nearby giant redwood.
I don't think they had papyrus in South America, could be wrong though.
Quoted Text I've seen them. They're pale. They carry sticks, smaller than ours. But they ride on beasts with heavy hair. They say they will protect us from the Huáscar. |
A couple issues with this, as far as I know they Spanish have not taken any horses with them unless I have missed it somewhere, whenever you came back to the Spanish they were just marching through the jungle, no mention of animals.
I assume Apo came into contact with them?
I'd say change that whole we can't, we can, we don't, we do bit at the end of page 20, I'm assuming that Hernando and Gonzalo want to quit the expedition? If so make it more dramatic than this.
If Almagro cares about his men so much then why would he leave the group? He said it himself, even the guides are lost, his men haven't eaten in 9 ays, so how does he think laving the group will make things better?