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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Conquistadors: Brothers and Kings Moderators: bert
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  Author    Conquistadors: Brothers and Kings  (currently 1465 views)
Don
Posted: March 12th, 2015, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Conquistadors: Brothers and Kings by Dennis Santaniello - Drama - The story of the brothers Pizarro and their conquest of the Inca empire through the eyes of Sardina, one of Francisco's most loyal and seasoned men. Also detailed are the trials of Manco Inca, who was commanded by the Spanish conquistadors to serve as a king to his people, and who led their eventual revolt.  113 pages - pdf, format


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Lightfoot
Posted: March 13th, 2015, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dennis, I'm interested in historic movies so I'll give this one a read

here are my thoughts regarding this script...

You can cut what is detailed in this script, if it's there then I will see it

I believe you'll needs a super for 1527, but if you want it in the heading then it would be

EXT. BEACH - DAY - 1527  or EXT. BEACH - DAY - (1527)


Quoted Text
They stagger with a defeated lean. They watch an empty shore.


Not sure what "they stagger with a defeated lean" looks like, but the word "they" really ruins the flow of this line. Are they moving or staying in one place? Are they on watch duty or just passively looking at the shore?


Quoted Text
They share a glance. They concentrate on Francisco.


Again "they" breaks up the flow.


Quoted Text
Escobar stares a bit to the jungle and its interior. He immediately gets back to his senses.


"stares" seems like a very bland word in here, is Escobar scared of the jungle or does he hate it, is he mesmerised by it? Got a chance to show a bit of his character here just by simply changing this line. Like you has for Sardina in the next line.

Just a thought I had...why not have a bird call out from the jungle? Escobar would be freaked out, not knowing what it is, maybe he gives the jungle a quick paranoid peek, but Sardina would see this brightly coloured tropical bird and be entranced by it.


Quoted Text
He rubs his eyes, stops, looks again and shudders. He dashes
out to get a closer look.


He gives his eyes a vigorous rub and looks again. Shakily he rises to his feet staring out into the open ocean in disbelief.

A bit smoother.


Quoted Text
Francisco treks several paces. He stops, right before the shore. Water foams to his
boots. He smiles.


This whole Francisco walking thing was a bit confusing, what did you mean when he walked to the edge of the sand? They are on a beach, isn't there sand everywhere?


Quoted Text
This side of the line, the one I'm on, is filled with terror and starvation. And Death


... starvation, and death.  No need for a period before "and", btw this guy is brutally honest haha.


Quoted Text
The Spanish finish unloading. A dozen Native allies greet their Spanish masters with a fish in each hand.


Are they slaves or allies to the Spanish? This line is confusing.


Quoted Text
  SOTO
Ha. You're smarter than you look.


This bit of dialogue seems out of place to me.


Quoted Text
Soto places the knight in the middle square


This is a nitpick, but there isn't a middle square on a chess board

Personally I think you can tell us a bit more about Manco's story while the Spaniards are walking around the countryside. His second scene is completely pointless in my opinion, it doesn't add to the story, it's just Manco saying he doesn't know, I don't even know what he's not knowing about. Months before he tells us the shaman told him the spirits are coming, now months later, he says he spoke with the shaman again but says nothing.


Quoted Text
Apo, picks up Sardina's cross necklace and begins to stare. He climbs up top to a giant redwood.


action like this can be written more fluently, something like...

Apo curiously inspects the cross necklace, a twig SNAPS as two men lumber through the jungle.

With skill, Apo scales the branches of a nearby giant redwood.


I don't think they had papyrus in South America, could be wrong though.


Quoted Text
I've seen them. They're pale.
They carry sticks, smaller than ours.
But they ride on beasts with heavy
hair. They say they will protect us
from the Huáscar.


A couple issues with this, as far as I know they Spanish have not taken any horses with them unless I have missed it somewhere, whenever you came back to the Spanish they were just marching through the jungle, no mention of animals.

I assume Apo came into contact with them?

I'd say change that whole we can't, we can, we don't, we do bit at the end of page 20, I'm assuming that Hernando and Gonzalo want to quit the expedition?  If so make it more dramatic than this.

If Almagro cares about his men so much then why would he leave the group? He said it himself, even the guides are lost, his men haven't eaten in 9 ays, so how does he think laving the group will make things better?

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Lightfoot
Posted: March 13th, 2015, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
his eyes awaken


What does this mean? Did he lose consciousness and come to or did his eyes just lose focus?

I'm at page 42 right now....

I like historic stories like these, but I think you should strengthen some parts of the story, here's a few opinions of mine, these will increase drama.

The Spanish and some Native tribes were actually hostile towards each other and I believe  Atahualpa and the Incas weren't on very friendly terms with the Spanish either, but they certainly new of each other before the battle of Cajamarca. Anyways this provides some very good moments early on in the story, rather than have them just walk through jungle, why not show skirmishes with natives? Create a little tension between the two sides.

As for Manco, his story could be much stronger too, after all his half-brother Atahualpa executed Manco's older brother Huáscar after defeating him in a civil war.  

The execution of Apawalta is off. Francisco Pizarro and de Soto were opposed to "Atahualpa's" execution, the reason Francisco went through with it is because of the agitation of his soldiers and of Almagro,

All of these can add to the story and characters, also you refer to him as "Apawalta" in the script, don't know if it was intentional or not.

As far as I could tell the spelling and format are good, the action and some of the dialogue like the examples I gave above are hard to get through at times.



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Lightfoot  -  March 13th, 2015, 3:40pm
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