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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Lobo Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 20th, 2015, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lobo by Arthur Pena - Horror - Johns mother daisy Woodrow a barber the father is James Woodrow an alcoholic,abusive,police officer,Abraham is the cult leader of a group called "the Brotherhood" with a right hand man named Jeremiah Oswald a disciple/follower.

Detective rivers rivers is  a corrupt detective who's vice is prostitutes and creates a false testimony during johns interrogation  and  Framed  for the murder of his father james who was killed by the  Antagonist Abraham Skozery a werewolf cult leader after the murder of detective rivers who then shot johns mother is now on the run for five years,in Ontario,Canada.

Jennette  is  used as bait by an  FBI agent Steve Woolman to apprehend john with his swat team agents a sniper, shot gun expert, knife expert,  and tactics coordinator.

The "brotherhood' Interferes disrupting  the arrest attacking the team as well as john. and discover The occult in a cave used as a ceremony creating Jennette as the ultimate Werewolf.  100 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 15th, 2015, 12:19pm
revised draft
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TonyDionisio
Posted: March 20th, 2015, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Very confusing above logline, if you can call it one. Took a look inside and the confusion continues although not as bad as expected.

Gl

Tony
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Lono
Posted: March 30th, 2015, 9:19am Report to Moderator
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Arthur,

A logline is not a summary. I got to page 20 and couldn't continue. You need clarity in your action. it's very confusing; especially the first scene. Fade in should always be the first thing we see. I know format is a tough thing to get right, but that is the least of your problems.

Your scenes don't really flow together. Most of them are unbelievable:

Pg 6: Abraham picks up a prostitute and kills her in front of all the other prostitutes; Such a stupid thing to do. Why would he do that? Why wouldn't he drive her to a secluded area? Play it out with suspense? Maybe she witnesses his transformation and hunts her down? Not the best example but it is more interesting then your instant kill.  

Your dialogue needs work. OTN dialogue throughout.

I like the way the movie opened but the action needs work. Your writing is awkward and confusing as it is written right now.


Best of Luck,

Lono
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: April 11th, 2015, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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Logline.

Some sense of the main character, some sense of the obstacle, and some sense of the possible outcome.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Arthur
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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hmmm. well the character kils on impulse even if you think that's stupid try reading the rest of the material instead of judjing so harshly and yes the dialogue does need work.
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Arthur
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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thanks for your not so kind words lono
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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You can either learn and move on or not and stay the same. Up to you. This script needs a rewrite. Nobody is going to care about your material until it reads well. You're new and are not going to be a master screenwriter straight away. It takes time, patience and dedication.

Lono has helped you, your ego won't let you see it.
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eldave1
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I was going to read a few pages and then I saw the response to the first review - and, I am out.  





My Scripts:



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Max
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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I understand why eldave1 won't give you the time of the day, but I'm willing to give you some feedback on the first few pages.

Okay.

1. OPENING SLUG -

EXT. CABIN-NIGHT-ONTARIO, CANADA, 1975

It's messy to me, everything appears to be out of order.  It should read:

EXT. CANADA/ONTARIO (1975) - CABIN - NIGHT

Canada is the MASTER SETTING, and if we're talking about a specific time period that should be included alongside in brackets.

The TIME ELEMENT shouldn't be mixed in with everything else.

2. ALPHONSE JAQUES and THREE MEN approach a lakeside cabin lit
only by the full moon, the men all carrying gasoline cans.


How old is Alphonse? What does he look like? There should be an age at least. I'm guilty of leaving out the appearance sometimes but still, I'll always include the age.

The action doesn't read right to me.  You don't need to mention the cabin in the action because you've mentioned it in your SLUG already, a tip Dustin always gives out and he's right.

Maybe something like...

EXT. CANADA/ONTARIO (1975) - CABIN - NIGHT

By the lakeside, a full moon illuminates this beautiful wooden structure.

ALPHONSE JAQUES (33) steps into the moonlight as he approaches the front entrance.

THREE MEN walk with him.  Each of them carry gasoline cans.


That's my re-write of your first scene. It's succinct, clear, and it reads better in my opinion. Some people see that as underwriting, fair play to them, but it's always great to start like this and beef things up once you learn a bit more.

3. NEXT SLUGS - Again, without spacing it looks messy. This problem occurs throughout the first 10 pages after a quick scan.

EXT. CABIN-DAY OR EXT. CABIN - DAY

Which one looks neater in your opinion? Minor issue but the slugs look horrible the way you have them.

4.

INT. CABIN - NIGHT

Alphonse and the three men look a
round the interior of the
cabin.

Alphonse looks at a bookshelf that contains a vast
collection of books about black magic.

Alphonse turns and looks to the men.


You say they look around the interior, but do we need to mention that? We know we're inside because of the slug, so that's another word you could lose.

INT. CABIN - NIGHT

Alphonse looks around, so do the three men.

Alphonse scans a bookshelf, crammed with books on black magic.

He turns to the three men:

                            ALPHONSE
                       Burn this ungodly place to the ground...


Another quick re-write there.

See how simple it is to cut things down? I've done this plenty a time with my own scripts. Get rid of the shite that you don't need.

That's all I'm going to give you for now. If you come with a better attitude I might be inclined to offer you some more advice.

I keep it simple when I write.

I make mistakes as well but when I look at other people's work, I can be more objective because it isn't my baby.

I'll re-write the first page tomorrow for you, if I have time.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Max  -  June 8th, 2015, 7:30pm
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Max
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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RE-WRITE.


FADE IN:

EXT. CANADA/ONTARIO (1975) - CABIN - NIGHT

By the lakeside, a full moon illuminates this beautiful
wooden structure.

ALPHONSE JAQUES (33) steps into the moonlight as he
approaches the front entrance.

THREE MEN walk with him. Each of them carry gasoline cans.

INT. CABIN - NIGHT

Alphonse looks around, so do the men.

Alphonse scans a bookshelf, crammed with books on black
magic.

He turns to the men:

                    ALPHONSE
             Burn this ungodly home to the
             ground.

EXT. CABIN - NIGHT

Alphonse exits, along with the men.

They pour gasoline around the cabin, trailing off toward the tree-line.

They take cover behind some trees. Their faces, expectant.

LAKESIDE

ABRAHAM SKOZERY (21), a muscular man with a beard,
arrives in a canoe.

He pulls it half-way up the bank and makes his way toward the
front entrance of the cabin.

TREES

One of the men pulls out a match. He strikes it and flicks
it onto a trail of gasoline.

WHOOOOSH!

Following the flames as they blaze toward Abraham --

CABIN

Abraham turns to see FIRE ROCKETING TOWARDS HIM --

He SCREAMS --

WHOOOOSH!  Abraham unleashes an AGONIZING SHRIEK as flames engulf him, and the cabin.

The structure burns to the ground, WOOD CRACKLING as it crumbles.

The men flee.  They glance back at the chaos as they disappear into the woods.

Abraham collapses to the ground, burnt to a crisp.


As you can see it's not perfect, it ain't my script.  It's there to give you an idea of how you can simplify things, and add a bit of oomph to the action.

I'm just waiting for a response here because you might be interested in learning a few things from us, that's all.


Revision History (10 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Max  -  June 8th, 2015, 9:24pm
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Lon
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Arthur
thanks for your not so kind words lono


Part of being a screenwriter -- or any kind of writer or artist for that matter -- is having thick skin.  When a peer offers feedback, the goal is to point out weaknesses which need to be addressed so that you might improve as a writer.  If you take such critique personally or defensively, it nullifies not only the reader's effort and subsequent feedback, but their good intentions as well.

Trust that feedback, even bad feedback, is for your benefit, not your detriment.  Some may be harsher than others, but it's what's being said that you need to pay attention to, not how it's said.  Besides, for the most part screenwriters are unnaturally supportive of their peers; whereas in most professions your rivals hope for you to fail, we love to see other screenwriters succeed.  No one here wants to help you be a worse writer; we want you to be a better one.

So when you're given bad feedback -- even if it's overly harsh -- don't diminish that feedback by being snide.  Take it to heart.  Nobody's going to tell you your script sucks if it's fantastic, just like they're not going to tell you it's the best thing since sliced bread if it's poor.

Listen.  Absorb.  Apply.  You'll become a better writer.

Good luck.  Keep writing.

- Lon

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Max
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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I don't think he's coming back Lon, which is a shame really.

I might've just wasted my time with this one
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Lon
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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That's always a possibility.  Some folks can't handle criticism.  Their loss.
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