Win-Lose by Matias Caruso (Mr. Z) - Short, Noir, Thriller - Noir/Thriller about a boxer who's jilted on the eve of his big fight making his night unravel with various twists and turns. 6 pages - pdf, format

Mr. Z

How the hell are you, sir?

Nice little GEM you have here.  I read it twice.  I thought it was brilliant.  Great use of the voiceover, they served you well here.  Packed a powerful punch.  No pun intended.   To be honest, people are going to be hard pressed to find anything wrong with this piece.

And it's good to see you're still around.

Ghostie

BOOM!

That's how it's done!

Mr. Z was kind enough to let me and Dena have a go at producing this. The only reason we had to decline was that we didn't think we could pull off the fight choreography.

Awesome!

Loved this. Done brilliantly.

Thanks peeps, glad you dug it. And also glad some still remember me (hey ghost!). Gonna start writing more shorts and hanging out here a bit more if time allows.  

Nice! I dig it.

My only opinions are this:

A referee wouldn't slap the mat to count out a downed boxer, and the count is ten, not three.

and..

The WE ARE AT: part. Everyone out here says writers should stay away from saying "we see" or "we are at" I don't know if that's correct or not, but I see it a lot out here.

Written well. A lot of quick flash cuts when I visualize this. If you were filming this would you slow it down and hold the scenes or just move along at the V. O. Pacing?

Gj

Tony

Quoted from RichardD A referee wouldn't slap the mat to count out a downed boxer, and the count is ten, not three.

Oh good to know, thank you, I'll have this in mind for the next draft.

Quoted from RichardD The WE ARE AT: part. Everyone out here says writers should stay away from saying "we see" or "we are at" I don't know if that's correct or not, but I see it a lot out here

Yes, I know what you mean; I've seen that a lot too. There's pretty much two schools of thoughts about it. Thanks for the read, let me know if/when you got a short posted so I can return the favor.

Quoted from TonyDionisio Written well. A lot of quick flash cuts when I visualize this. If you were filming this would you slow it down and hold the scenes or just move along at the V. O. Pacing?

I've no idea since I don't have much experience in directing. I pretty much wanted the reader to feel ran over by a train, haha, but you bring a good point; a director might slow things down a bit.

Thanks for the read, let me know if you got any shorts posted so I can return the favor.  

Hey Mr Z, I enjoyed that. It was well written, great use of visuals combined with a powerful VO. The different timelines could have been very confusing but they were not, I understood , in the most part, exactly what was going on and when. The only slight puzzle in the timeline of events was at what point is Wade pounding on Justine's door and when/why does he give up? I would think a guy like him wouldn't take no or a closed door for an answer.

As has already been mentioned, a knock-out count is ten but that's easily fixed in the script, just change the three count to 8,9,10 and the audience will presume the rest has been counted.

That was awesome though, well done!

- Mark

More hack work from a hack typist who fancies himself a writer.

Sigh.

One must always preface reviews of Z's work with insulting hyperbole, you see, lest his already bulbous head grow larger still.

It's great, of course.

Writers with questions about bending the rules short of breaking them are well-advised to check out Z's work.  Yeah, his stuff is not always textbook, but it is always so damn smooth.  The man knows what he is doing and why he is doing it.

Richard's points about slapping the mat -- and the 3-count -- also occurred to me.  But here I think maybe you've got enough dramatic liberty to get away with it as it is so central to the imagery.  I mean, he is right, of course, but fixing it also injures the story.  I think you can let it ride.

Consider ending this with a lingering BEEP -- or perhaps a dial tone -- as she hangs up.  A simple CLICK seems understated.  Or maybe not.  Just a thought.

Easy to visualize, fast paced... very well wrote

Great job

I too liked this.  Sure there are a few liberties taken, but it read good the way it is.  I like boxing and believe you should change the referee to saying eight, nine, ten - as suggested above.  If it's about boxing, get it right.  Again, an easy fix.

Also, if I'm nitpicking, I would remove her saying, "... like the way I used to love you."  To me, it's not necessary and even better without that.

That's it.  Liked it a lot and think this could be filmed easy.  Even with the boxing stuff, there really isn't much to choreograph.  Not much boxing really, just the end of the fight.  I would watch it.

Good job and good luck!

Hey mr.z

Don't know if you remember me but I rember u lol.

Nice work as always. No complaints from my end. Can't wait to see the filmed version. I already know this is going to be filmed lol.

Gabe

Quoted Text As has already been mentioned, a knock-out count is ten but that's easily fixed in the script, just change the three count to 8,9,10 and the audience will presume the rest has been counted.

Yep, that seems like like it could be a good fix. Thanks for the suggestion and for the read, Mark.  

Quoted Text One must always preface reviews of Z's work with insulting hyperbole, you see, lest his already bulbous head grow larger still.

Ah... my frenemy... we meet again...  

Quoted Text Consider ending this with a lingering BEEP -- or perhaps a dial tone -- as she hangs up.  A simple CLICK seems understated.

Good point. I'll steal that and tell no one you came up with it.   Thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted Text Easy to visualize, fast paced... very well wrote

Glad you liked it, thanks for letting me know!

Quoted Text I like boxing and believe you should change the referee to saying eight, nine, ten - as suggested above.

Yeah, that seems to be pretty much the consensus. Thanks for the read and the feedback. I appreciate it.

Quoted Text Don't know if you remember me but I rember u lol.

Ha! Of course I remember you! Thanks for reading, man. Glad you dug it.