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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Win-Lose Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: March 22nd, 2015, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Win-Lose by Matias Caruso (Mr. Z) - Short, Noir, Thriller - Noir/Thriller about a boxer who's jilted on the eve of his big fight making his night unravel with various twists and turns. 6 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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_ghostwriter
Posted: March 22nd, 2015, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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I am a writer first and a critic second.

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Mr. Z

How the hell are you, sir?

Nice little GEM you have here.  I read it twice.  I thought it was brilliant.  Great use of the voiceover, they served you well here.  Packed a powerful punch.  No pun intended.   To be honest, people are going to be hard pressed to find anything wrong with this piece.

And it's good to see you're still around.

Ghostie


THE TIME GUARDIAN: KING SAUL JUGGERNAUT - scyfy

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Angry Bear
Posted: March 22nd, 2015, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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BOOM!

That's how it's done!

Mr. Z was kind enough to let me and Dena have a go at producing this. The only reason we had to decline was that we didn't think we could pull off the fight choreography.

Awesome!


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eldave1
Posted: March 22nd, 2015, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Loved this. Done brilliantly.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Mr.Z
Posted: March 24th, 2015, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks peeps, glad you dug it. And also glad some still remember me (hey ghost!). Gonna start writing more shorts and hanging out here a bit more if time allows.  


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RichardD
Posted: March 24th, 2015, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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Nice! I dig it.

My only opinions are this:

A referee wouldn't slap the mat to count out a downed boxer, and the count is ten, not three.

and..

The WE ARE AT: part. Everyone out here says writers should stay away from saying "we see" or "we are at" I don't know if that's correct or not, but I see it a lot out here.




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TonyDionisio
Posted: March 24th, 2015, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Written well. A lot of quick flash cuts when I visualize this. If you were filming this would you slow it down and hold the scenes or just move along at the V. O. Pacing?

Gj

Tony
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Mr.Z
Posted: March 25th, 2015, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RichardD
A referee wouldn't slap the mat to count out a downed boxer, and the count is ten, not three.


Oh good to know, thank you, I'll have this in mind for the next draft.


Quoted from RichardD
The WE ARE AT: part. Everyone out here says writers should stay away from saying "we see" or "we are at" I don't know if that's correct or not, but I see it a lot out here


Yes, I know what you mean; I've seen that a lot too. There's pretty much two schools of thoughts about it. Thanks for the read, let me know if/when you got a short posted so I can return the favor.



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Mr.Z
Posted: March 25th, 2015, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TonyDionisio
Written well. A lot of quick flash cuts when I visualize this. If you were filming this would you slow it down and hold the scenes or just move along at the V. O. Pacing?


I've no idea since I don't have much experience in directing. I pretty much wanted the reader to feel ran over by a train, haha, but you bring a good point; a director might slow things down a bit.

Thanks for the read, let me know if you got any shorts posted so I can return the favor.  


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: March 25th, 2015, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mr Z, I enjoyed that. It was well written, great use of visuals combined with a powerful VO. The different timelines could have been very confusing but they were not, I understood , in the most part, exactly what was going on and when. The only slight puzzle in the timeline of events was at what point is Wade pounding on Justine's door and when/why does he give up? I would think a guy like him wouldn't take no or a closed door for an answer.

As has already been mentioned, a knock-out count is ten but that's easily fixed in the script, just change the three count to 8,9,10 and the audience will presume the rest has been counted.

That was awesome though, well done!

- Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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bert
Posted: March 25th, 2015, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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More hack work from a hack typist who fancies himself a writer.

Sigh.

One must always preface reviews of Z's work with insulting hyperbole, you see, lest his already bulbous head grow larger still.

It's great, of course.

Writers with questions about bending the rules short of breaking them are well-advised to check out Z's work.  Yeah, his stuff is not always textbook, but it is always so damn smooth.  The man knows what he is doing and why he is doing it.

Richard's points about slapping the mat -- and the 3-count -- also occurred to me.  But here I think maybe you've got enough dramatic liberty to get away with it as it is so central to the imagery.  I mean, he is right, of course, but fixing it also injures the story.  I think you can let it ride.

Consider ending this with a lingering BEEP -- or perhaps a dial tone -- as she hangs up.  A simple CLICK seems understated.  Or maybe not.  Just a thought.



Coming Soon:  Nowheresville
The new short script from Robert Newcomer

Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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irish eyes
Posted: March 25th, 2015, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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Easy to visualize, fast paced... very well wrote

Great job


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: March 25th, 2015, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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I too liked this.  Sure there are a few liberties taken, but it read good the way it is.  I like boxing and believe you should change the referee to saying eight, nine, ten - as suggested above.  If it's about boxing, get it right.  Again, an easy fix.

Also, if I'm nitpicking, I would remove her saying, "... like the way I used to love you."  To me, it's not necessary and even better without that.

That's it.  Liked it a lot and think this could be filmed easy.  Even with the boxing stuff, there really isn't much to choreograph.  Not much boxing really, just the end of the fight.  I would watch it.

Good job and good luck!


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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Mr. Ripley
Posted: March 26th, 2015, 5:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey mr.z

Don't know if you remember me but I rember u lol.

Nice work as always. No complaints from my end. Can't wait to see the filmed version. I already know this is going to be filmed lol.

Gabe




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Mr.Z
Posted: March 26th, 2015, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
As has already been mentioned, a knock-out count is ten but that's easily fixed in the script, just change the three count to 8,9,10 and the audience will presume the rest has been counted.


Yep, that seems like like it could be a good fix. Thanks for the suggestion and for the read, Mark.  


Quoted Text
One must always preface reviews of Z's work with insulting hyperbole, you see, lest his already bulbous head grow larger still.


Ah... my frenemy... we meet again...  


Quoted Text
Consider ending this with a lingering BEEP -- or perhaps a dial tone -- as she hangs up.  A simple CLICK seems understated.


Good point. I'll steal that and tell no one you came up with it.   Thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed it.


Quoted Text
Easy to visualize, fast paced... very well wrote


Glad you liked it, thanks for letting me know!


Quoted Text
I like boxing and believe you should change the referee to saying eight, nine, ten - as suggested above.


Yeah, that seems to be pretty much the consensus. Thanks for the read and the feedback. I appreciate it.


Quoted Text
Don't know if you remember me but I rember u lol.


Ha! Of course I remember you! Thanks for reading, man. Glad you dug it.  


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