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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  He's The One Moderators: bert
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  Author    He's The One  (currently 1947 views)
Don
Posted: March 22nd, 2015, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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He's The One - Episode 1 by Peter Brownlow - Series, Comedy - Something in Stephanie Wilkes life does not add up and breaking up with her current boyfriend leaves her in debt. But the next man she meets gives her more than a run for her money. 44 pages - pdf, format

He's The One - Episode 2 by Peter Brownlow - Series, Comedy -  Having fallen out with her two best friends Stephanie Wilkes realises she needs a break from friends, work and men. Ending up at a country retreat she meets Scott who may not be all that he seems. 46 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  May 3rd, 2015, 11:26am
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ABennettWriter
Posted: March 23rd, 2015, 5:40am Report to Moderator
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Reading the pilot now and I like it. Just a few questions though...

Where did you learn about formatting? Most of it works, but there's some stuff that doesn't. You don't need all of the CUT TOs and there's some slug line issues.

I like the beginning stuff, with the clouds. I would then pick three pieces of clothing. I don't understand the dress choice, but everything else works.

I'm on page 10, and you have "is stood" twice. There is no way that "is stood" is grammatically correct. On page 7, you write, "Steph and Brian (cut) are stood". Second time is on page 10. Steph is stood. I don't know how you would ever think "are stood" and "is stood" is okay. It's so weird. I've read a lot of novels, scripts, plays, essays, non-fic, and I've never come across "is stood".

I usually wait until after I finish a script, but this is so unheard of that I have to comment.
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ABennettWriter
Posted: March 23rd, 2015, 5:48am Report to Moderator
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"Is stood" is also on page 11. Stands. The correct present tense version is stands.

Steph stands.
Steph stood.
Steph is standing.
Steph will be standing.
Steph may be standing.
Steph did stand.
Steph will stand.
Steph, standing on the chair, looked over the crowd.

If you continue to use the verb "stand" in its present form, use "stands".

In all of my years of reading, I've never read something so odd.

I'm curious if you can find a better verb for "stands". Maybe leans?
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ABennettWriter
Posted: March 23rd, 2015, 5:56am Report to Moderator
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Just realized... maybe "is stood" a British thing? Assumed this was American, then found out the price for the food.
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LC
Posted: March 23rd, 2015, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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AB, in all your years of reading you've never read something so odd? Well you can't have read much from some Brit writers - particularly those from up North.   'is stood/are stood' combines past tense with present and yes, it's a Brit thing. Nothing wrong with it if it's in a character's dialogue.

AB, FYI, you can edit your posts here on SS if you want to add something without starting afresh. Hit the Full Edit button on the right hand side of your previous post.


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gridlockd
Posted: March 23rd, 2015, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ABennettWriter
Just realized... maybe "is stood" a British thing? Assumed this was American, then found out the price for the food.


It is a British thing. I got a british friend who says stuff like that. Or "We were all sat in the living room..."


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PeterBrownlow
Posted: March 23rd, 2015, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Now we have got past the language barrier...what did you all think of my script?
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gridlockd
Posted: March 24th, 2015, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PeterBrownlow
Now we have got past the language barrier...what did you all think of my script?


^Since I really like this comeback, I thought I'd help you out with some notes. Take them for what they're worth. I'm an unsold amateur.

Right off the bat this is very well written. You clearly have talent. That said my problem was redundancy. In the first ten pages it seems like a lot of the beats get repeated.

Like she's on a date with an accountant type. She dumps him. He responds with something accountant-y "Are you suggesting our merger is not working out?"

That's fine but then it goes on with that same basic joke re-phrased.

"Did we fail the acid test?", "...this does not add up. I did not account for this in my forecast.", "Do you feel you are not getting a satisfactory return on your investment?" and so on. It's fun stuff, I like that he wants her to pay for her share of the dates, but the dialogue, particularly his, could be whittled down. We're not meant to care about him anyway. I'd keep his side short and sweet. He's just a stereotype, so there's no need to belabor his end. After his first line we pretty much know everything he's gonna say anyway.

Same with the dresses metaphor, I like it, but I think it could be 3 examples instead of 4.

Minor note here but, it kinda sounds like Steph is just using Quentin as a chump to buy her meals, even though she's not that into him. Makes her seem like a user. I have no personal problem with that, but it may not make for a likeable modern woman protag.  

The cloud opening is cute, though a little confusing and I'm not sure what it really adds to the script overall.

p 16
MOO
Because it’s fun. You must have
played Tig as a kid.

^should this be tag?

Okay on page 22 now and I see you do in fact mean Tig. I don't know what that is. We don't have that here.

I like the little mystery of why Jeff doesn't like Moo.  

Finished. I liked the story a lot. It came together quite cleverly in the end. And after the initial redundancies I mentioned at the top, the dialogue was smooth sailing from that point on. Nice work!


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PeterBrownlow
Posted: March 25th, 2015, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback, we really appreciate you taking the time to read our script and provide good, constructive criticism.

We say tig, you say tag...it's the same game.

We have already reduced the dress choices down to three, keeping the black dress, shaggy jumper and Wellington boots. We will review the accountant dialogue and make some necessary cuts.

And we will change where Steph seems to be a user and we are glad you like the mystery about why Jeff does not like Moo. In episode 2 the mystery deepens when they mention "the gay incident"! We are halfway through writing that at the moment, so watch this space.

Did you read episode 3? What did you think of that script?

Thanks again for your worthy notes.
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gridlockd
Posted: March 25th, 2015, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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No prob, man. I love British comedy. Peep Show is currently my favorite sitcom of all time.

I didn't read ep 3. Did you not post ep 2? I'd imagine most people would wanna read that one first. Unless that's a British thing too?



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PeterBrownlow
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I have now posted Episode 2 of the comedy series "He's The One". Please give it a read.
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GreenGecko
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Why doesn't the first scene start at the coffee shop? I mean, you describe it in the first line. Plus, it's not consistent with your third scene header (outside a coffee shop). They should all just be Coffee Shop.

A silly rule, but Panning is across the horizontal plane. You can't Pan down. You can Tilt down though. It's a small one though, so I guess it doesn't matter. Camera directions are typically capitalized as well.

Also, capitalize your character names once. I find it distracting after that.

I'm not feeling the first scene. Quentin is very one-note. And it's cute for a bit, but it drags on maybe just slightly more than needed.

Is the dialogue at the bottom of 4 supposed to be a V.O?

Another little nitpick. On page five you tell us the Boardroom is a (flashback), but you don't label the Office Corridor as one. That's fine because you imply it's continuing the flashback, but on 7/8 you have two scenes and you label both as (flashbacks).


God this girl is so confused. Even the first line. She says she wants anyone. Then she wants The One. Then she says she wants a guy like her clothes (funny, sensibile, confident), then she takes it all away saying she just wants someone to rely on?

This conversation with Jeff and Adam is very boring and typical. It seems like exposition and no jokes. Adam: I remember you now. You're the guy that did this and this. Jeff: Yeah, and you're the guy that did that one thing.
It's also just a really long scene anyway.

Page 38, more on-the-nose dialogue. "This is typical you, using people to get what you want and not caring about people's feelings." "I'm happy, why can't other people be happy for me?" It's a lot of explaining things we just saw.

Why doesn't Steph believe Jeff? Especially enough to slap him? It seems a little forced.

I'm not sure what I think of it. Mainly, I'm not sure how I feel about Steph. The way I see her is a female Ted Mosby. Ted is a hopeless romantic always searching for his soul mate, but Ted's situation is a little more sympathetic. He's in his thirties, his best friends are getting married, and one of his friends is a playboy (something that Ted is not looking for). This makes Ted's quest for a wife a little more heightened.  
For Steph, there's not a whole lot of sympathy. She's in her mid-twenties, and she's already searching for "The One." It makes it her seem like one of those cliche women "I need a man to complete me." Maybe that's her arc, that she'll eventually realize she doesn't need a man to complete her, but the pilot doesn't really give any indication of that.

What the pilot does indicate is that she hooks up with Jeff. But the "childhood best friend is actually soul mate" is an even more offensive cliche.

But I really shouldn't comment on the future of the show. As for the pilot itself, the stakes are kinda low. Is Adam really only dating her because she's a good runner? How does Steph get into this elaborate lie in the first place? The thing is, you never show us Adam and Steph going on their first dates, you just skip all that and tell the audience "Steph lied to Adam about being a good runner for three weeks in order to keep the relationship going and Adam will break up with her if he finds out." And we don't see any of that, so we just have to take for granted that it's true. But it's a bit of a leap. And even if we did believe it, we don't really care about them breaking up.

I think the plot is funny. I like how it's convoluted and the race thing is interesting. I don't think there's anything too unfunny here, but some jokes are kinda whatever.

It could be trimmed a bit too.

Did the money subplot have anything to do with the race? Maybe it did, and I skipped it. If it didn't, maybe you cut that for when you introduce Quentin again at the end. That way you can shorten it up before, and then give another punch to Steph at the end.

Good luck!



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GreenGecko  -  May 31st, 2015, 12:32pm
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